I am from the warm blankets
From the baby toys and the dusty computers
I am from the wooden nooks
(little voices echo)
____________________
I am from the trumpet lilies
The tall oak trees
Whose leaves are long gone, as if they were my own.
_________________________
I'm from turning a new leaf and dancing
From my mom and sister
I'm from clean windows and peach candles
and from dust brushes
_________________
I'm from 'Don't Panic' and 'Everyone is different and difficult'
and 'Character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you'.
I'm from laying in the sun.
_________________________
Candy apples and hot, and heavy pumpkin pie
From my mom,
moving to the place she had longed to go.
________________________________
Crisp, old, warm, happy
In my deepest pit
Where they turn the pages of my life,
waiting to be finished.
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hello Tuesday!
It's a lovely day and MergSword here will review your work!
This poem is nice and fun. I remember we did something like this in the third grade, but hat was years ago.
Things to Fix
1. I noticed some commas, some periods and some lines without any punctuation at all. I would add a bit of those if I were you. The non punctuation you have going on makes the poem a little choppy.
2. You started to lose the " I'm From" parts in your poem, was that intentional may I ask? It just kind of deducts from the topic of the poem.
3. I kind of think you can make the poem a little longer and a bit more in depth.
Things I Like
1.The introduction. It's all about magnetic openings, and if it's not the poem just scream bland and bleh, but your introduction was very good and I wanted to keep reading.
2. The third stanza. I don't know why but I like the term," turning over a new leaf."
3.Candy apples and hot, and heavy pumpkin pie: Now I'm hungry. Thank you.
Overall
I really liked this poem and I think you did a great job! Keep on writing, and remember, stay AWSOME
~MergSword
Hey Tuesday!
Last one =O
So this is a good poem. I like what you're doing here. You've got a very open communication with the audience which is reflected by the reviews you already got. They can relate to it because you're writing in a communicative form. The more you write in a way that is modern and talking, the closer they're going to get to the piece, this is not fullproof though. If you get too familiar with your audience, too talkative you get away from examples and that's going to push them away because you're going to be telling them instead of showing them. Treat it like you're sharing a story, and you'll be fine. That's what you do here, a lot of mini stories.
I actually like that you stopped saying "I'm from" because you kept it up long enough that it was repetitive and understandable but not long enough that it was drilled into our heads. You managed to get the perfect balance of that. I would like to see some of these a little more in tune with who you are though. Some of them, like at the top, are a little vague about how you are from them. Give us a real scene. Don't just keep it short at 3-4 lines, but go into a little more depth like 5 or 8 lines. The more detailed you can make it seem, without being wordy, the better. Say "baby toys" then name one, and say where it is now. Do something like that for each section. Further down in the poem you talk about your mom wanting to move where you are from, so talk more about that. Talk about how you were formed by the longing she had to go there and how it influenced you. Don't add much, just a line or two because you need to keep it balanced, but make it something that could have only happened to your main speaker, not anyone else. Not their siblings, not their mother, not their family, not their friends. Make it soully them.
When you do that, you're going to make them seem more and more realistic and that's going to give them depth that good characters need to be connected with.
You're on the right path with this one! From Colors to here you have improved a lot. I'm really happy you're improving so much, keep it up!
I can't wait to see what you post for me to review next >3
-Aley
I've done a poem like this before. They're quite fun to do. The only thing that really is noticeable is that you changed how you wrote the poem in the last stanza. It also isn't as clear as your other lines. You also lost the "I'm from", although I don't know if that was on purpose or not. Otherwise, very good indeed. I do really like the line, "moving to the place she had longed to go." I'm not sure why, but it really stood out to me.
I did the same thing in comp I! Very fun class, especially for people who enjoy literature. I adored these poem layouts because they are so very personal. To read them out loud is to share a part of yourself and I really feel like I see you when I read this. Keep up the great work!
Interesting poem! I quite likethe way you've described yourself, in strange and unique aspects. I think all of us CAN relate a little to this poem. For some reason, I had a sense of old-folklore when I read this.
Good for you. Now, a few things: Please punctuate the lines correctly. That's about the main error you have here. And the last stanza is just a BIT ambiguous.....I mean, I don't really get what it's about. But overall, good work!
Mist