Young Writers Society

Lol, so I interpreted it as though god was speaking. You that is cool that you are showing that kind of Idea in your poem. But I say one part puzzled me. If this piece was as if god was talking then why in stanza three it says " The birds sing, The cricket sung a song at noon, Red-tailed hawks fly low, but if I stay, I will be there." I don't know a little confusion for the fans huh? I guess we will have to figure that part out for ourselves but overall excellent poem. Love the flow and attention you put into this piece and cant wait to read more of your work.

Hey Tuesday,

Another notice about repetitive words~ "Where the leaves fall,/Where the snow falls lightly on kids noses."
Also about this, you need "Kids'" because it is plural, kids, and also possessive, kid's which means we move the apostrophe out to the end. You could change that by just putting little and it would have a cuter affect than kids though.

Overall this is a cute poem, but you're losing some of the audience probably because it becomes really sappy really quick. I mean sappy is cool, but when you're writing a love poem, we really want to be able to see the love and right now this poem doesn't really have love directed at a single thing. Talk about someone specific instead of just all of these things. Who is the poem direct towards? If you include romantic reasons why that person is garnering this attention then you're going to have a better reception from the audience, especially because they're going to start appreciating the speaker's dedication to the individual the more they respect the individual. You can talk about trials and challenges that might have separated the two lovers as well and that too will garner respect and love because it will be going through hardship and overcoming it as a couple. That's always enjoyed.

Overall, I'm also kind of curious what you were going for by "but if I stay" becuase if he's staying where he is, then how will he be "there?" He can't be at two places at once, can he? How does that work? I'm just assuming male pronouns because it's default for me. So how exactly does that work? Either you should try to work that in as you talk more about the individual or you could change it all together.

My suggestion would be that you rewrite this one with more exact examples of the other individual and from there, you're going to have to edit it per usual, but it's going to give you a better place to edit it from. Keep the same idea of a refrain though, this refrain works well.

The refrain in this makes it lyrical instead of the refrain from the other one which was a bit choppy and didn't draw you back into the story, but was so long it pushed you out of it. Keep going!

Aley

This was a very soothing piece of writing. It reminds us all that someone is always there for us even when we do not think there is. I like how you used imagery to move the message along. To will be honest, I sort of wished this was longer, but this is poetry. There are no rules. For years I have thought about writing poetry for a change. Your piece of beauty may have confirmed that. Thank you for portraying this message to me. There is always someone looking out for me.

Proverbs 23:7



---------> Merrysleuth

Hello! I'm a little rusty with being a critic, but I wanted to let you know that I really like this poem. It gives a very good description of your surroundings. However, some things did come to my attention. I'm not sure if any of the other comments have already addressed this, but I feel like "Bail", isn't a good rhyming word for that line. This is, of course, just my opinion. But if you tried looking up another rhyming word, maybe? In fact, I think that is the only rhyming part of the poem. The other three stanzas don't seem to rhyme as boldly as that second stanza. Even though the other stanzas don't rhyme as well, that's totally fine! You could make the entire poem not rhyme and keep it consistent.
Another thing that confused me a little was the line: "Blow a hum to a tree". I'm not sure I really grasp what you meant to say here.
Those were the only things that stood out to me. I am nowhere near the best writer, but I want to applaud you for being brave enough to post your poems. I still have troubles with that, because I'm always scared they won't be good. But, thank you for being brave and for listening to me. I really enjoyed your poem. And I hope you have a good day!

Hello there Meredeth. Tis I the frenchiest fry xD.

Im here to review your beautiful poem here. I can honestly say that I love this poem because of the use of words in this poem. You made this poem sound like a love song/story at the same time. I enjoyed this truly. I would have liked a bit more visualization inside here but it's still a great piece of work and maybe you can add just a bit more to this. I'd really like to not only see much more of this kind of thing but I'd also like to see more added on this particular poem.


~Mem

Hello there Meredeth. Tis I the frenchiest fry xD.

Im here to review your beautiful poem here. I can honestly say that I love this poem because of the use of words in this poem. You made this poem sound like a love song/story at the same time. I enjoyed this truly. I would have liked a bit more visualization inside here but it's still a great piece of work and maybe you can add just a bit more to this. I'd really like to not only see much more of this kind of thing but I'd also like to see more added on this particular poem.


~Mem

Hey! AMDDOG here for a review!

First of all can I say you have a great message portrayed here. You're saying that no matter what, you'll always be there to help, or just to be there.

I'm not good with grammar and all so I refuse to criticize on that. Really again you did a beautiful job! I love it I really do!! Spend a little more time working on what you're trying to get across though. I had to read it a few times to really get the message across. But I might just be slow XD

Other than that just you know, keep writing!


~ Amddog

Hey, Tuesday! I'm going to start with nitpicks.

First off, the title. All the lines in the poem are "I will be there" yet the title is "I'll be there". Don't know if it's purposeful, but I think you should stick to one or the other.

Where snow falls lightly on kids noses,

In snow or rain or hail,
No matter if you bail,

The cricket sung a song at noon,

Beautiful overall. Love it.

Cool. U gotta love poems saying you can lean on someone.

Hey, Tuesday! It's wise here to review! Happy Gift Day. :3

First of all, a typo. Shouldn't it be "lightly"?

"Where snow falls lighty on kids noses..."

I honestly don't get this line. "No matter if you bail"? I don't really know what bail means, either...

"No matter if you bail..."

Third thing! Correct me if I'm wrong, but is that supposed to be "sing"? Because it just sends weird if you put "sings".

"The birds sings..."

I'm also pretty sure the "Tailed" isn't supposed to be capitalized.

"Red-Tailed hawks fly low..."

The last stanza is also a bit confusing to me. Would you mind explaining that?

I'm really, really sorry for giving you nitpick overload. But overall, this poem was wonderful. I also have to ask something: is this supposed to be rhyming? In the seconds stanza it had a beautiful rhyme, but it didn't show in the other sections. This was a really nice piece. Good job and keep writing!

-wisegirl22