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Twist (Part 3 of 3)

by Tuckster


Twist sat in a holding cell, hands folded in his lap and sitting straight up. There were two others in the cell with him-- a rebellious teen with a bright pink mohawk, piercings, and tattoos all down one arm. He sat stoically on his side of the bench, staring off in the distance and not saying a word. The other was a girl, hair cut short and wearing boots and jeans, trying not to cry, but one tear slipping down her face.

He was already plotting his escape. He had seen the guards leading some other prisoners out for their daily exercise. That was his opportunity. He felt for his knife and then realized it wasn't there. Of course. No guard would be stupid enough to leave him with a dangerous weapon.

Cradling his head in his hands, he contemplated what this would mean. He was a criminal now, his name entered into the system. The law enforcement agencies now had his picture, all of his personal information, matched with his name and previous crimes. This would be a setback to his strides towards being a professional smuggler in the underworld of London.

A guard slid open the food slot and deposited three trays of food. Twist grabbed his, also swiping a hunk of bread from someone else's tray and sliding it into his free hand. He had practiced maneuvers similar to that many times in the past, and thought that he had pulled it off without a hitch.

He noticed the girl glaring at him, tears all dried and fists raised. “That's MY bread that you just snitched.”

Twist felt his face turn read, and he backed up defensively. “I'm sorry, okay? I haven't eaten since yesterday.”

For a moment, Twist thought he saw something like pity spread across her face, but then it vanished. “Don't matter. You steal my food, you get a pounding. That's the way it works where I'm from.”

“Take your bread back, if it means so much to you. Pardon me trying to survive,” he snapped. The girl didn't even hesitate, but swung at his head. Twist ducked, and caught her other fist. Shoving her against the wall roughly, he punched at her nose fairly gently. It wouldn't bleed, just sting, and would probably stifle her arrogance.

The girl leaned back successfully, dodging his blow, and kicked him in the gut. As he groaned, she got in one good blow to his right eye. Twist collapsed, trying not to moan as he carefully pushed himself to his feet and sat back down on the bench.

His eye stung, but nothing that he couldn't handle. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing him cry, or the other boy, who was snickering at his beating. In the underworld, girls were respected as much as boys. Anybody with a knife was respected, regardless of their gender. But it was still embarrassing to be beat up by somebody, especially after he had done something so stupid and had a lack of an excuse.

He slunk back to his bench, ignoring the laughter from the teenager next to him. His head was pounding, but he couldn't risk distraction for even one moment. He needed to find a way out of here and back to his home, even if it was just the streets of London. Anything was better than this musty old jail cell.

There were footsteps outside, and Twist sat up as straight as he could and folded his hands on his lap, trying to look as innocent as possible. Two guards appeared outside the cell, one holding a thick ring of keys and the other trying to look as intimidating as possible, gently cradling his gun at his side.

One of the guards fumbled with some of the keys until he found the right one, a thick iron one that he inserted into the keyhole and turned it. The gears turned, and then the door swung open. Twist tensed his legs, ready to run if and when the opportunity presented itself.

“Come with me,” the officer beckoned. He grabbed onto both of Twist's arms and wrenched them behind his back, and the other handcuffed him and marched him out of the cell, closing the door behind him and relocking it.

He was rudely pushed forward by the guard, and he stumbled before walking a little bit faster. They turned through a maze of hallways and doors until they reached the one that led outside.

Twist squinted as the sun shone into his eyes, trying to look down but keep moving, He was pushed down into a cage-like structure, and one of the guards informed him that he had an hour until he was taken back inside.

He started to stretch, pulling his foot up to his butt and holding the pose for ten seconds before switching feet and repeating the exercise before stretching his arms and other muscles. He started to run laps around the small structure, then jumped onto the bars and did a couple of chin-ups, then started doing sit-ups and push-ups.

He continued in just random exercises for as long as he could, trying to warm up for his predetermined dash to freedom. He knew that there was an opportunity here, before the guards got suspicious. Plus, he couldn't live with his cellmates for any longer.

Thankfully, the guard who opened his door was skinny and fairly scrawny. Twist was certain he could take him out, and the end was already in sight. He just had to run as quickly as possible towards the fence, jump it, and then disappear into the London alleys. He prepared himself, and then the door swung open.

Twist shot out, swinging at the guard to knock him flat on his back. The guard groaned, but Twist wasn't around to hear him. He was already zigzagging past the others, legs pumping as he sprinted towards the fence. Gunshots tore up the ground around him, all the guards posted in the fence firing at him as he tried to escape. His heart was racing almost as fast as his legs, and although he had a good headstart on the guards, they were catching up. A loud boom sounded from in front of him, and he fell forward as another bullet came towards him. Twist tried to scuttle backwards, but one of the guards dove towards him, pulled out his gun, and smashed it across his face. Then all Twist could see was white, and all he could hear was the pain screeching in his ears as he faded into unconsciousness.  

A/N: Thanks for reading guys! If you haven't already read the first two parts, that could help provide a little background. If you wouldn't mind, I have a few things that I would appreciate you focusing on in your reviews. Of course, any other feedback is certainly welcome and appreciated, but there are two things in particular that I often struggle with: 

1) Twist's character: Was he believable? Did you emphasize with his struggles? Did he seem like an intriguing MC, with quirks and a solid and slightly likeable personality? 

2) The pacing of the story: Did I put too much detail on the smaller parts and neglect the bigger parts? Should I expand more on different sections, or did I info-dump anywhere? Is there any part that you felt was a good idea but just not executed well? 

Thanks again!


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271 Reviews


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Fri Jul 07, 2017 10:44 pm
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rosette wrote a review...



Look who's baaackkk!
*wink wink*

So, first of all.
WHAT?! NO! Why did the story end like that?! I was just getting to know the guy! *wails* *whines* *cries*
But really.
It did end awfully quick. And is that it? He's put in prison for some "assault", tries to escape, and gets knocked out. Maybe I should have read the first part. Maybe it had something to do with it ending like this. I don't think I'm understanding. Because... why? Why end it like this?

Your Questions
1. Twist's character. Okay. I think I mentioned this before, but something about his whole personality is bothering me. I mean, I like the guy. But I feel like I don't know him. You don't expound on his emotions really at all. When that girl announced he stole her bread, he say he turned red, but you don't describe whatever he was feeling. I'm sure he had some conflicting emotions - like, I'm hungry but I just stole her food. Awww, he has heart. (Also: what happened to the food he took during the fight?) Back to the emotion. During his escape, you describe his outward actions - legs pumping, heart racing, etc. - but what's he thinking? Is he absolutely loving the thrill of the moment, is he panicked when bullets start flying? What exactly is going through his head? And what are his final thoughts when he goes down? Hmm... I think if you gave him more emotion or thoughts or whatever, it would make him much more believable and emphasizable. (I don't think that's a word...)

2. The pacing of the story. I did think you put a lot more emphasis than is maybe needed on the whole punch-each-other-in-the-face scene because it didn't really apply to the rest of the story. Like, maybe it would have worked better if Twist was still affected by that eye-smack and when he escaped, his vision blurred or something and he stumbled and everything was so much more dramatic and oh my gosh, I need to stop.
But speaking of the escape, I would have liked to read more. I don't have any idea of what the setting looks like, so these guards all popping up out of nowhere and then there's a fence! Yeah, I was confused. But other than that, I thought the story went along pretty well. A little quick and the ending... OH. I don't think I'm going to get over that.

Once more, the setting. What did the little exercise cage-like thing Twist was in look like? Apparently there were some bars...? And the cell. It was some musty old thing with a bench. I didn't think that was enough er, description.


So. Those are my thoughts. Um. I hope they were helpful. I'm sad to see this story is done, but overall, I liked the two parts I read.
I hope you have a great day!
(:




Tuckster says...


Thanks for the review! It was super helpful :) I rushed when I wrote the ending, and I decided to kill Twist so that he would have a bit more conflict and also because he was fairly arrogant and also so no one could get me to write a part 4 (I'm evil like that). I didn't really think about description, so maybe sometime this week I'll work on that and try and do a little bit of editing. Thanks again!

Best wishes,
MJ



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Fri Jul 07, 2017 2:58 pm
jamgalloway wrote a review...



Hey, there, I saw this in the green room and figured I'd review it. I haven't read the other parts to this, so I'm just going off what I see here.

I'm gonna start it off with his line at the beginning: "There were two others in the cell with him-- a rebellious teen with a bright pink mohawk, piercings, and tattoos all down one arm."

This doesn't really work/make sense since you said "two others in the cell with him", made a dash like it's going to say who the two others are, but then you only wrote of one. I know you wrote about the other one a couple lines later, but the line I pointed out doesn't work with it written like it is now.

Other than that, I didn't see any problems in that sense. Sure, there were one or two lines that could be written more smoothly, but the majority of this is written really well.

Now, to answer your questions:

1. I don't want to say too much about Twist and be all judgy since I haven't read the other two parts of this story, but just off of this, he comes off a little dumb, lol. From taking the girl's bread, getting caught, and making up a not-very-good excuse, to the end where he tries to escape...idk, just from this I'm imagining him as a dumb teen who has his priorities mixed up. I mean, his goal in life is to be a professional smuggler. I'm not saying this is a bad thing cause I don't think it is--there are some teenagers out there who are like this--but that's how I'm seeing him right now. Of course, like I said, I haven't read the rest, so if/when I read that, I might have a different impression of him.

2. I honestly thought the pacing was great. The only thing I could suggest is putting maybe a bit more detail on his attempt at escaping at the end.

As for being realistic, well, nothing in this part of the story is really *unrealistic,* besides maybe there being only one guard for him to attack to get away at the end, so I'd say this is fairly realistic right now. There's not much to go off with what I've read so I'm just gonna stick with that.

But yes, overall I thought this was great! I hope I helped somehow, and if you need any help, want me to review something, just want to talk, whatever, just let me know and I'd be happy to. Good job on this, and good luck continuing! :)




Tuckster says...


Thanks for the review! I can see how Twist would come across as dumb, but if you had read the first two parts maybe it would've seemed a little different. The emotion I was going for was he was so desperate to get out of jail that he did act slightly foolishly, but he is pretty clever, but I cemented that more in the first two parts and then went on to show his weaker side here. Thanks again!

Best wishes,
MJ



jamgalloway says...


I figured it was probably something like that. Desperation makes people do crazy things. Let me know if you need anything! :)




"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein