The thing is we were not supposed to be so used to the life of simplicity and the difficulty of live. Though true enough, the fact that not all of us are the best or the smartest, It is completely impossible you can keep failing everything time and again unless you turn the paper in all blank. When my teacher came to collect it, he simply stared at my paper which was completely blank.
"What is the meaning of turning in an empty paper for your year-end examination? It isn't going to do your marks any good." I simply looked at the floor, what for talk about something that is long over?
"I want you to do the paper now and complete it within 15 minutes. I need to put at least a grade on that paper. He left me alone and I simply stared at it. It was easy. He only said that he needed a grade so I went through the paper once again, reading the questions and simply wrote the final answers of the paper. He picked it up and demanded an explanation from me about the paper, to which I pointed out that he only needed to place a grade on it.
"You may get away with it now, but when the principal finds out about this, you wouldn't have it that easy." He said but I knew things that he wouldn't know in a million years. I got home ad got bombarded with questions by my dear father.
"I heard that you gave your homeroom teacher problems during the test." My father said. He was slim and really strong. I have no idea how he could be my father and yet look as if he is still in his early thirties. Everyone respected him because he is the current principal of Oraien High which is one of the most famous schools that was created for the purpose of grooming the next world leaders.
Oraien High is located just across the mountain on the other side and was heavily protected. The school was huge and all the students were hand-picked by my father. Just as his principal had done, picking the best of the best students that shows the potential of being the next leader.
"The test was simply too easy, so I turned it in blank. I solved them in five minutes. Five pitiful minutes," I said shrugging. At first, I thought he would blow up at me but he simply kept quiet and seemed to be pondering about something.
"Let us both make a deal. Since you find this school too easy, why don't you come to my school? If you can last more than a month in there and gain at least half of your class's support, you can stay in Oraien, otherwise, you will have to return to Mark Alexon and obey your teacher."He said and I laughed, thinking that he was simply joking until I realized that he wasn't laughing along with me.
"You are not joking, are you?" I said as I read his intentions.
"No, I am not joking."
"You have the deal. Be prepared to lose." I said to my father as we looked at each other, this is getting interesting.
So that was how I ended up standing just outside of Oraien High and dressed in the guy version of the school uniform. The boys wear a dark blue button up shirt with jeans. The girls on the other hand wear a dark blue blouse with a plaited skirt that was both dark blue and white.
"Why are you not wearing the regulated uniform for girls?" My father asked and I just wanted him to stop nagging at me and just get me to class already. I wanted to get the introductions over and done with.
"This is your class leader. His name is Marco Reinsworth." I looked over at the boy he was talking about and my first reaction to him was 'whoa, he is cute.' And that was an understatement of the year. He is more than cute. He looked at me with wash-out blue eyes and his reddish hair that when the sun shone on it, it looked more of a honey color.
"It is nice to meet you, Marco. My name is Rucia Stocke." I said using my nickname. I didn't want anyone connecting me to my father so I changed my surname so I wouldn't get special treatment because of who my father is.
"Glad to know someone does." He said smiling, leading me towards my first class of the day. I stepped into the class and my senses were assaulted by the smell of really sweet deserts. There were chocolates, there were also cakes and cookies but what caught my eyes was the Mont Blanc sitting in the middle of the table of sweets.
"Well go on girl, taste it, then we can decide where to place you." The teacher said and I looked at him.
"May I?" I asked as I picked it up.
"Sure dig in, however, I want you to recreate the taste in this Mont Blanc after that." He said and handed me a spoon, everyone simply stared on, most likely wondering who I was and why was I allowed to eat that particular dessert.
I took a spoonful and felt the creamy goodness of the Mont Blanc on my tongue. Immediately I placed it down and started gathering all my ingredients. Chestnuts, Salt, Sugar and Whipped cream, those were the main ingredients to a Mont Blanc.
I placed the chestnuts into the oven for a moment, until the shell and inner skin can be easily removed before boiling the skinned chestnuts in water with the salt and three tablespoons of the sugar, until they were tender. After which I added half a cup sugar to the water and chestnuts left it there until thoroughly cold. Following which, I removed the chestnuts from the syrup and diced the chestnuts and added a spoonful of sweetened whipped cream before a border of whipped cream around the edge of the dish and adding nuts at random intervals.
When I was done, the teacher tasted it and everyone was really quiet as I worked, even as I finished.
"It's delicious… It even tastes like theirs." He said and pointed to the table furthest from him and a girl gasped.
"Wait! Isn't that the Princes table?"
"Tell me girl, what is your name?" The teacher asked.
"Rucia Stocke." The teacher's face fell.
"I see, I thought you were Rucia Seeing, the principal's daughter. She has the ability to copy the flavor of a food after tasting it once like you do. To come about it, you two even look alike." He said and a girl at the side grumbled in displeasure.
"At least she has the ability to hold people's attention without wearing such a short skirt Marie." The boy with a pair of frameless glasses said and looked really smart.
"Oh shut up Alexander!" And the girl's friend grabbed her and started whispering to each other.
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Hiya!
So, I want to say good effort! I really like your idea of your character having to go to a prestigious school that their parent is the principal of, it is a good idea and there are a whole lot of situations that can keep the story going. Usually for me the toughest thing is finding situations to keep my story interesting, but I know that a story like that will continue to be interesting until completed.
I must mention that I had to read the first paragraph about three times before I could understand what you were trying to portray. I think that the writing needs to be much more clear. And this sentence "It is completely impossible you can keep failing everything time and again unless you turn the paper in all blank" is contradictory to this sentence "The test was simply too easy, so I turned it in blank." so be careful what you write, I understand what you were saying, it was a moment of philosophy, but it can be confusing when the reader is looking at it first off.
So about Rucia, (I like her name by the way!) I found it strange you did not mention her gender earlier, even without mentioning her name, it would be possible to mention her gender, I just thought to mention that because that saves confusion as well.
Another sentence that brings confusion is when she just meets Marco, and introduces herself with her nickname and he says ""Glad to know someone does."" I honestly do not understand that at all...still to this moment it leaves me in complete confusion.
And be sure to leave more time when introducing a new scene because it is strange that she has to recreate a chocolate treat? Also I think you should have more time explaining what the chocolate treat looked like at as well how it tasted/was made like.
I actually thought the second to last sentence was fantastic, but I wish you had given the smart boy more description, obviously he was witty, (a good word to use) and possibly could have curly hair...you know just add more description, add if he had a cheeky grin when saying that.
Well, that's all I'm fitting in here. I did like your idea, and think you should revise this and keep going!
Thewriter'sdream
Hi, so I didn't feel like reviewing anymore yesterday afterall, bu you get today me instead. I don't think that will make much difference
Alright so as a first sentence, this doesn't really gab my attention becase it starts out with 'the thing is' and then tries to be dramatic. If you want to be dramatic, drop the colloquial language for the moment. Start in a more definate tone of voice, with 'We were not supposed to be used to the life of...' I'm also not sure about the words themselves though. It sounds cool but has so little meaning behind it. I'd take meaning over sounding cool any day.1.
2. The teacher commenting on the paper is so wrong. If this is set in our world, that would not happen. They're not allowed to talk to the students except to answer questions like 'can I go to the toilet?' and they're not supposed to look at the papers they're collecting. My sister works as a teacher and there are so many strict rules about exams, it's crazy. They have even more than us. Either this is set in another world, then fair enough, or you need to have it be a practice exam and then you can flick forward to them doing it in the real exam as well.
3. Bad students wold also not be rewarded with extra time to do the paper. Sorry if I'm annoying you but seriouly, that's so unethical. A teacher would lose their job over that.
4. Your dialogue for the teacher sounds more like a teenage boy. It makes him hard to picture as all I get is an image of half teenager, half man. While it makes me giggle, I'm sure that's not the affect you were going for.
5. When a father appears to be described as a 'dear friend' you know something isn't quite right.
6. Ah father as principal. That explains few things, I think we need some clues about that straight away. The teacher needs to say things like 'Whaat will your father think? Do you know how cross he will be with me?' Oh wait, he's the pinciple of another school. In that case what I said before stands: unrealistic. Fix it.
7. It might work btter if you start with him arriving home and his father challenging him about receiving a low grade on his exam. That would cut out the whole exchange with the teacher ^^
8. The character is a girl? You may want to work on her a little, she thinks and sounds very much like a boy. Usually I don't make assumptions until I'm told but honestly, I thought it was really obvious that it was a boy.
9. The new teacher's response to her greeting doesn't make sense and unless she asked her father she'd be enrolled as a temp. under her father's surname. Even day students get 'enrolled'.
10. Now she's eating dessert. Feeling a little bit bored to be honest, I'm waiting for the plot to get started and the real conflict to come into play.
11. The kid just happens to know the ingrediants? I'm not buying this. If you don't make a story realistic, as well as fantastical, your reader will soon lose interest.
12. Girl does better on test than everyone else, the whole school is amazed. You have to take a plot like this and make it your own. You also have to make us like her and want her to do well, instead of being annoyed that she has.
Overall
Alright so I think this needs a lot of work, mostly on the realism front. It's very difficult to connect with a piece where nothing seems even vaguely like the life we know. The wildest fantasies out there still have characters who feel human and act human and we can connect with their emotions but there is no emotion in this piece. We don't get the sense that she is nervous or proud or happy. She just is.
I'd also like to see more description. You go to a new school for the first time and surely you take it all in. What it looks like, what the people look like. We get details about the uniforms and that's that. No character or setting description.
I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh but it's not really working. I think you need to strip a lot of it back and start laying down the foundations again. Feel free to send me a pm if you've got any questions,
Heather xxx
I will take a look over it again. Thank you for your help it gave me a lot of things to think about.
Take back what I said on the first sentence. I read it wrong originally. My mistake.
You have a few issues with sentence structure and run-ons. For example, the last sentence:
"Oh shut up Alexander!" And the girl's friend grabbed her and started whispering to each other.
It would make more sense if you wrote it like this:
"Oh, shut up, Alexander!" The girl's friend said, before grabbing her by the arm and whispering in her ear.
You have some other errors, probably accidental, like the first sentence: 'live' should be 'life', and so on.
Your punctuation and grammar need some brushing up as well, but you can describe events pretty well. I see a lot of errors in this piece, but nothing a bit of editing won't fix. Overall, the story is decent, and you're gaining a definite voice.
I'm sorry if this review is mostly criticism, but that's what I have to offer. However, if you feel like you would like to have someone edit your work, drop by my profile and leave me a message.
I will keep that in mind. If you don't mind I would be happy if you would review the other chapters of the story when they get uploaded.
Thank you for the review