Published September 6, 2005
Who do you think you are anyway?
You think I got problems!
Just cause my hair is blue and purple
And there’s metal stuff sticking out of my face
Don’t mean I got problems!
I mean, look at you –
With your “fashionable” clothes and shiny new trainers,
Just “ trying to blend in”.
Like, GET A LIFE!
Don’t criticise my individuality.
I have my own ideals and “moral standards”,
You’ve got nothing but your thick, stubborn egos,
To hide behind and criticise.
Who do you think you are anyway?
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I'm not sure you can delete topics if they've been replied to. PM Nate. He can probably do it. But really, it's worthwhile to keep it so you can remember what you've learned,
Thanks for the tips! I’ll make sure my characters aren’t that aggressive/ mean in future. As for this poem, I think it will look better in the rubbish bin. But thanks anyway! Does anyone know how to delete posts? (I'm new!!)
I do have to say I enjoyed the first stanza though. That was pretty funny.
I have to say I agree with comments above...
It seemed like someone was just venting emotions in random ways instead of trying to create a poem out of it.
I agree, we need to like the narrator to at all enjoy this. If you want to try rewriting it, I suggest giving at least some background on the narrator and thinking more about your poem structure and words before writing...
I agree with Dusky. The narrator claims to be an individual but is really no different from a million other whiny teens who hate preppy people and their "fashionable clothes".
This might work if we liked the narrator, but as it is, it's very ineffective.
I find this part
"
With your “fashionable” clothes and shiny new trainers,
Just “ trying to blend in”.
Like, GET A LIFE! "
Extremely contradictory.
Get a life refers to getting a social life, and by trying to blend in your trying to get a social life. So by telling someone to stop trying to blend in AND for them to get a social life I find it confusing.
I get the feeling that if I ran into this person, I would immediately dislike them because they seem to be just as bad as the person that they're complaining about. I like the idea of the poem, but I don't think the tone came across right.
I agree with Reichieru. The character does sound a bit mean and selfish. I also think that there is a lot of yelling at the reader which is a major turn-off. Try not to direct so much negative energy to your audience otherwise you'll have no audience.
I really don't like the character portrayed in this. She seems very self-rightious and superior. For me to be on the side of the narrator in a poem like this, it would have to be much less angry and insulting to the average person who is "trying to blend in."