Once upon a time in a far off land along the coasts of Pearl beach , lived a very large and admirable family , made of 24 members the mother, the father and their 22 children, they were The Rascals.
Now as you know, some recent studies show that people can feel their death as it dawns closer to them, and that’s exactly what Mr. Rascal felt.
He had a very intense feeling, a feeling that shouted, I am going to die soon, so in case he did die he had to finish off some deed he had and these deeds were :
1- Write a will
2-Split the key
3-Pass out the split pieces
He decided to take the challenges, one by one as to finish the matter at hand.
To start off, he is going to approach his lawyer with the intention of writing his will....
"What?? Your will sir, but why? " said the lawyer in utter shock.
"None of us are immortal and I have aged, which means that my death may be close , so it's better to write off a will than sit down doing nothing. "
"As you wish sir, but what do you want to include in your will? "
"Only this: After all my debt, proven with a written paper signed by me ,are paid , the remainder of my money and property is to be donated to charity, except this key" said Mr. Rascal showing off an old rusty key that was once painted golden to the lawyer .
"That’s all sir? "
"yup, that’s all"
"Well then if you may please sign here and here, and down there, and put your fingerprint here. "
After a few signatures here and there,
"This is what you want? " said Mr. Rascal showing off the paper to his lawyer.
"Yes indeed Thank you. "
"No, thank you so much for helping me get done with this quickly "
"your welcome sir, and I hope to see you soon. "
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,285 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
This is a very cliched way of starting stories and has been used to often. It also is seen as a lazy way of including information. We don't need to know how many people are in the family yet and it would be better to include it some where in the story instead of blatantly stating it right up front. All of the information that you placed in this paragraph could be fitted somewhere into the story later on when it's relevant.Overall thoughts
Okay so this was an interesting way to start a story on the whole, but there are a few problems. The first being in the way you started to story.
This is also a lazy way for putting in information. Instead of telling us that Mr. Rascal felt this way, show us that he felt this way. Maybe his limping or some sort of gut feeling is arising inside him? What ever the reason, you should show us it. This will help your reader get more invested in the story and more caught up by the characters. Reading this just sounds like a text book. And I have the same problems in my story when it comes to showing not telling, but trust me it makes a big difference.
The biggest problem I had with the story was that it was really short and didn't include many visuals. It was like watching a movie with no picture and only a bit of sound. You need to tell me what Mr. Rascal looks like. What did his lawyer look like? What did the room they were in look like. What where the smells and sounds around them. Was it raining outside or was is sunny. Things like this make a big difference in a story. It can effect the mood of the story. Remember when you're writing to include the five senses: Sight, sound, smell, touch and taste. I can only see what you show me and at the moment for your story, I have a blank picture.
Overall this was an okay chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hello Truthsreflection! It's Gymnast2801 here with a review!
Let's get started!
I will start with correcting your work as I do this while I read through. At the end, I will give you my overall thought
**Once upon a time in a far off land**
Oh my. This sounds like a story book to me. If you are intending for this to be a fantasy story book for children, I like this start. Otherwise, I would recomend starting with a different beginning just because "Once upon a time" is not very intriguing and it makes me remember the old Disney movies and fairy tails. Also, it doesn't build for something that would probably be intriguing either.
**admirable family , made of 24 members the mother, the father and their 22 children, they were The Rascals. **
Okay, this has a lot of little errors so I think I will break it up into numbers.
1. No space after "family"
2. Add a coma after "members"
3. Add a coma after "father"
4. Don't do a coma after "children". Instead, put a period and then uppercase the "T" in "They"
5. Instead of "They where the Rascals" I think it would sound better as "They where 'called' the Rascals"
**Now as you know, some recent studies show...**
I feel like "Now as you know," feels forced because why would you be telling us this when we already know it? Instead, maybe try, "Now, as you may not know..."
Also, add a coma after "Now"
**a feeling that shouted, I am going to die soon,**
Instead of comas, add quotation marks because something is shouting which is talking.
Also, change the coma after "soon" to a period.
**so in case he did die he had to finish off some deed he had and these deeds were :**
Add a coma after "so"
Add a coma after "die"
No space after "were"
**which means that my death may be close , **
Again, no space before the coma.
**a written paper signed by me ,are paid , **
No space before the first comma
Add a space after the first comma
Again, no space before the second coma
**"yup, that's all"**
The "Y" in "yup" should be capitalized and I feel like there could be better gramer use than this. Maybe try yes, yep, or yeah.
**Well then if you may please...**
Add a coma after "then" and also, I would change "may" to "can"
**Yes indeed Thank you.**
Period after "indeed"
**your welcome sir,**
"your" should be uppercased to "Your"
Overall, I like this! I think there is still improvement to be done but I think you are in the works of being a good writer! After all, practice makes perfect. I must say that I've never read anything like this but that's not bad. I quite enjoyed this pice. If you have anything else like this, please tell me and I will be happy to review it!
Dear Gymnast 2801,
thank you so much for taking time to read and review my story. I was really delighted when you told me that you like it, and i really hope you enjoy the chapters I already wrote for the same story.
Due to the fact that this website needs coins to post stories and i have none i cannot post them here but i do post my stories in another website too the website is http://www.writerscafe.org search for my name under the writers section i go by the same name as here there you will find all my writings and the chapters i have written for this story under the name The Rascal's Key, hope you enjoy them and please tell me what you think.
And thank again for your time %uD83D%uDE09%uD83D%uDE0A
Regards,
Truths reflection
P. S : if you didnt find my account on writers cafe please inform me and i will send the stories to you as a message privately on this website.