Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well...this truly is a beautiful piece. It flows very well and it captures just so much emotion. I've read depressing story after depressing story but this is the first one that actually managed to summon some actual tears. And that's no small feat. I feel this also strikes home so much more in the sort of he phase the world is currently in so that's probably a factor.
Anyway let's get right to it,
"After nearly sixteen years of life, love and friendship Ayla Enos is being laid to rest," the minister bowed his head for a moment of silence, "I'm now opening the floor to any friends or relatives who would like to speak."
Well this gets of to a sad start. Definitely established exactly what's going on very well.
Closing my eyes I took a deep breath and felt the cold air caressing my raw throat. Shuddering slightly, I willed myself to stand. Opening my eyes, I traced the familiar faces of Ayla's family, staring hard until they all blurred into a mass of color. I looked down and kept a strong eye contact with my new shoes while I trudged over to the head of the coffin.
This is some great description that you have there.
Feeling eyes on me I looked up and found my self eye-level with a life size photo of Ayla s face. Her golden-brown hair was up in her usual ponytail and she was wearing her favorite sparkly blue eye shadow that I hated. I felt hot tears rise up and I swallowed hard trying to fight them back. I tasted their hot saltiness mixed with the metallic flavor of blood in my mouth. I ran my tongue on the inside of my mouth and felt a twinge of pain as I ran over a ragged spot were I had been chewing on my cheek.
This is some really well done emotion that you have here. It's definitely showing the devastating impact of such a situation.
I saw Ayla's mom give me a watery smile, "I said it and I meant it even when I was more angry at her than I can explain. Just wanted to let you know," I spoke toward Ayla?s picture, "you?re not my best friend for life, you're my best friend forever." My voice cracked while I was speaking and dwindled off into nothing several times too, but I embarassment was beyond me. I leaned over Ayla's coffin and whispered softly, I stupid you too. I smiled inwardly over our little inside joke and kissed her red-wood coffin before quickly retreating back to my seat.
Just chopping some onions. Don't mind me.
Then I stupid you.
This one little phrase is such a nice touch.
I wrote this about a month ago and got my friend Hannah to edit it. But about a week ago she died. (She's been sick for awhile- heart problems) So I want to dedicate this to her and her amazing writing talent.
Love you Hannah.
-Maggie
I know its been 14 years but you my deepest sympathies. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been.
*makes a call*
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this is a beautifully done scene. You can see the sadness that radiates from the main character and I just can't get over that line "I stupid you". Three simple words but they make this whole thing sooo much more real and it just exponentially makes this sadder. And awesome story about a truly horrifying prospect.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254288
Reviews: 4103
Donate