The wind was cold on my face as I walked through the woods, kicking small stones as I went. Frustration tugged at me as I thought over what happened today. Training didn’t go as well as I had hoped, but there was no point in my instructor getting mad at me about it. It wasn’t my fault that everyone had high hopes I would become the warrior that was prophesied.
Just because I’m the king’s daughter doesn’t mean I will become who they hope I will. With a sigh I kneel down and pick up one of the rough stones and throw it into the slow moving river. When the stone broke the waters surface large ripples flowed across the water in a large ring from where the rock had landed in the water. After a few moments the water began to settle again, becoming a calm, shimmering stream that reflected everything.
Sighing I sat done on the long, soft grass that carpeted the forest floor. I slowly began to pick at the long green strands, wanting to take my thoughts away from my training, I still had no idea why everyone thought I was the child of prophesy. It was kind of silly if you ask me. While they fuss over me, there could be a child that fits what has been told, and isn’t getting the training that is needed.
Groaning I flop onto my back, and look through the canopy above. The forest was where I always went to get away from the stress of being the heir to the throne, and the tasks at hand that needs to be dealt with. But it never lasts long, knowing my father he already has someone looking for me.
Standing up I made my way back to the place. My father will be furious with me when he finds out. I think to myself as I walk through the front gaits. My black boots making crunching sounds on the gravel path up to the front doors. I smiled at the guards as I walked passed, they both just gave each other looks as they watched me walk past.
The smell of freshly bloomed flowers fill my nose as I walk past the large flower pots that a line the walk way. The newly trimmed grass like a meadow that goes around the palace. A few tress could be seen near the large iron fence that goes around our piece of land.
When I reach the wooden doors I slowly open them, the creaking of the hinges made, made me cringe as they eco along the empty hall. As quietly as I can with heeled boots I crept in side and closed the door behind me.
“And where have you been?”
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hey there TropicalRain! Tuck stopping by for a short review today
Let's jump right into it!
This should be split into two sentences between "training" and "I".
As far as the last line, I think it would be even more impactful and less confusing if you added who was talking. I assume it's her father, the king, but for clarity's sake it would be good to state that.
To start, I really like the premise that you're starting with of a misunderstood girl struggling to live up to everyone else's expectations. I can relate to that and I think a lot of your readers will also be able to relate to it as well. However, you do have to be careful with that because you're beginning to fall into more of a cliche. To avoid that, I would encourage you to add some unique characteristics to your heroine so that she's more than just a misunderstood protagonist and is a more three-dimensional character. That would help your readers connect with her even more and make her feel more like a strong character instead of a caricature.
I also would like to see some more descriptions of how the princess is feeling as she mopes. You have a good start there, undoubtedly; showing her kicking things to express her frustration and such, but it would be even stronger if as she mopes, a single tear runs down her cheek, or she rests her head between her knees, or something else to show how much she's struggling with this and how alone she feels.
I really loved the description here, especially of nature. You did a great job making everything feel alive and colorful, but one area of description where I think you could have been stronger is describing more about the main character, like what she's wearing, what she looks like (although that's an area where you should be careful not to overdo it and avoid dumping that on your reader), and other details.
Overall, however, this was an excellent start and I look forward to seeing where you take this! I found your protagonist relatable and someone I could identify with, and I hope this review has given you an idea of possible places to improve to take your story from good to great! If you have any questions, just let me know, and I'd be happy to provide any clarification necessary. Great work on this, and as always, keep writing!
~Tuckster
Thank you very much for the review Tuck. I have been wondering if I should write in third person. That seems a little better, because you will be able to describe things better along with the character.
I also think it wont be so repetitive later on. What do you think? Do you think I should give it ago in first person.
Anyway I really like the tips you gave me, they were a great help. And I will use them in the up coming chapters.
I%u2019m all for you giving it a shot in 3rd person and seeing how it feels. I think it works well in first person, but there%u2019s no harm in trying a different way and seeing if it feels more comfortable to you. Hope this helps!
This does help. If you say it works in first person than that is what I will stick with.
I think the story is of to a good start anyway!
Hey Trops!
Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to - yeah, a review. I'm here to give you a review. Alright, let's get right into it now, shall we? Alright...
So I love this chapter! I really like the calmness of it even though the title had the word warrior in it and I was expecting war or something, but you've really lured me in. You're punctuation was great and so was most of your grammar.
There were a few things that I'd like to point out, now. So, if you look here:
At the first bolded area, you need a space after the period. The second bolded word, I would suggest making the will into a would. Personally, I think it would sound a bit better. And the last bolded word, prophesized is supposed to be prophesied.
Over here, at the bold word, I think you meant palace instead of place. Is that right? Maybe. I'm not sure. On wards:
Just a little spelling mistake here: gaits is supposed to be gates. Gaits and gates have totally different meanings. Next:
To be honest, if I read this sentence, I can't really make sense of it. Go on. Read it and tell me what you think. It doesn't really make sense, does it? Maybe you could change it so that it does. Second last one:
I think if you turned that bold word into a can, instead, it'd be better for the context. Could sounds good too, I guess. But I just would've put in a can, you know what I mean? Last one:
There was just this little spelling mistake. It could've been a typo. I dunno. I'll still point it out though: eco is supposed to be echo.
There. That's it for my review. I hope this helped in one way or the other. Also, that last bit you have there:
That has really got me hooked! I can't wait to see what happens next! That's it for me!
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500
Thank you so much for the wonderful review Lib!!! Everything was a very big help!
I will let you no when I post the next chapter.
Okay! And your welcome!