Blue

This is one of the best stories I’ve read in quite a while. I loved the emotion you poured through your persona. This actually feels like it was just an excerpt of a bigger story. I truly believe that if you wanted to, this could actually simply be a synopsis of a full-length novel or novella. I can see a lot of potential in this story.

This short piece actually leaves a lot of questions unanswered. How did they meet? How did they fall in love? Why did they break-up?

I just have a few suggestions and possible corrections that you could make to improve this wonderful piece.

“My favourite color had always been yellow or orange. Simply because these colors remind me of the beautiful sunsets that cast over the water of the Ohio River.” – I think you can change this into: “My favourite color has always been yellow or orange simply because these colors remind me of the beautiful sunsets that cast over the waters of the Ohio River.”

“After six months of being able to call those eyes mine, I was forced to give up the honor to do that again.” – I believe this can be changed to: “After six months of being able to call those eyes mine, the honor was no longer mine.”

“I’m still able to look into the irises of the one whom I still love. But, I know that I can't ever stare into them the way i used to” – This can be shortened to: “I could still look into the irises of the one I love, but it will never be as it used to.”

“The answer is yes.” – Put quotation marks around the “yes”.

All in all, this was a great piece albeit it was too short for my liking. But it was still great. I look forward to reading more from you. I hope this helped. Keep writing!

- LaPetitePrincess

This work was amazing.
I love how you really tapped into the raw emotion behind a breakup. I can feel it as she's narrating. There's power there, in those words.
You did a good job with this. I really enjoyed it.

Hi! I love the concept of this piece, and the imagery and metaphors you utilize are intriguing. However, while reading I found a lot of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. ("i was forced to need have the honor to do that again"). Also your verb tenses change, which makes for awkward reading. ("I STARE into the ocean... never HAD i ever..."). So I would just start by going through it again, edit all of the grammar and re-work a few sentence. Over-all it has great potential! Good Work!

I really like how much emotion you put into this. I love how the eyes are being related to the pacific. Overall I think you did such a great job. Keep on keeping on!

This short story invokes a lot of emotion, and the content is very well written. I think it could be a whole lot better after a quick round of editing and sentence restructuring, but in terms of content I enjoyed this very much! I think this goes without saying, but if you have ever been lovesick, this is a very easy text to relate to. Well done, and keep up the good work.

Hi,
I really loved this story, you definitely tell how beautifully written it is. The story line was beautiful and is a great way of expressing love. It is very well structured. Also, I loved the poetic ending. You also used fantastically poetic words to describe. I also really liked it because it was different, it is a very bold story. I love it, it drew me in with the first few lines, great work. This story is also very well written apart from a few grammatical errors.

Anyway, as a little bit of improvement, you could maybe check a few of your commas and capitals.

Lastly, I think you are a great writer with a lot of potentials and would love to see more well-written stories like this. -Jade xoxo

I like to jump right in, so let's start with grammar. First, and foremost you have to capitalize your I's. It's just a little thing that starts to draw away from the message, and emotion that you are trying to get across.You have a habit of ending sentences and then starting the next one with but. I don't have a problem with it, but it would be an easy fix to just switch those to commas.

"It hurts to see him happy and smiling without be being in his life." I assume you meant "without me being".

"I would have never thought that I would do anything to get the chance to spend a night staring into them while they twinkle in the low light of the night like i used to do." The wording and flow of this sentence is strange. Maybe just "that I could do anything" or even "that I could have done anything".

Moving on to the important half of this review which is content. You have a good grasp on heartbreak, which has unfortunate implications, but it makes for good writing. Something you have done well is give it a sort of real "weight". What I mean by that is sometimes in stories people in love come across as "I love everything about you," which is nice and all, but in real life there's always a few things that stick out above the rest.

Everyone's eyes are different, so its just one of those things you can never get back, and that really sucks. You've heart. Don't stop writing.