The raging storm in her eyes
And the way that she carries herself
Tells me that we're different
In every shape, form, and fashion.
I am soldier, fighting only for myself;
She leads her own army.
Her stride puzzles me
She is a military commander
Her troops parade around her
Rallying and causing a ruckus,
Disturbing the common people.
When the battle is finished,
She retreats with her head bowed
As if her forces did not meet
Her high expectations,
Even though she was victorious in her cause.
As if she did not wish to lead
The exclusive band of people
Most wish to be a part of.
I watch from a distance,
Pitying the girl-leader whom everyone
Is curious about.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I really like this. A lilymoore said, your character is great, and I think the metaphor works rather well.
I think there are a few ways you could improve this piece. First, you spend the first five lines telling us that she is different to you, but you only spend two lines telling us how she is different. Perhaps you could contrast yourself as a private soldier to her as a general a little more. Do you fight for yourself because you have no one to fight for, or there is no one to fight for you? Do you like fighting for yourself or would you rather lead or be part of an army?
Secondly, I would like to see a little more development of the general. Is she a benevolent leader? Does she fight for good? Or is she selfish, fighting for her own ends and viewing her soldiers as mere tools?
Thirdly, I'm a little puzzled over the composition of the following lines:
It's a little fragmented; you talk about her leading an army, then you have one line about the way she walks, then straight back into her leading the army. Perhaps you could talk about why her stride puzzles you. Why is is different? And why is that puzzling?
Finally, one small nitpick about grammar and whatnot:
I think it should read
...
Even though she was victorious in her cause -
As if she did not wish to lead
The exclusive band of people
Most wish to be a part of.
Otherwise the second sentence seems incomplete and fragmented. I know there is a properly technical, wordy phrase for this, but I cannot at present think of it.
I hope this helps
I feel I’ve been liking way too many pieces today but I LIKE so I shall like it.
I think you have a great character worked up here. She’s not overly cliché which is nice but she’s not so overly lacking clichés that she appears unbelievable.
There are some nitpicks about the end of the line punctuation but I have a feeling that if you go over it with a finer toothed comb you’ll find a few places where the punctuation could be improved.
And one nitpick (I can’t resist being pickie some times.)
Yep, we’re getting into the dirty world of subject-verb agreement.
Although it may seem like “tells” is only talking about “the way” but if you look at just the bolded words you get the sentence “the storm and the way tells…” which doesn’t make much sense. So, yeah, “tells” should be “tell.”
Otherwise, like I said, I do really like this piece and the characterization here. If you have any questions about this review or anything at all for that matter, feel free to send me a PM or leave a message on my wall!
~lilymoore