Published November 3, 2012
Chapter 1
The Forests of Asiteer are full of sorcery and magic. Covering almost half of known world, these forests are very mysterious places. Many have tried to explore this unknown land, but all who enter fail to return. No one knows what dwells in that part of the world and most don’t want to ever find out.
Selene looked up at the towering trees and wondered if she was doing the right thing. There was nowhere else she could go, so the forests of Asiteer were her only option. She was hesitant because she was familiar with the legends surrounding these forests. One talked about a horrible beast that feasted on unwary travelers, another told a story of a sorcerer who had gone mad and placed an evil curse on the trees, making them come alive. Selene knew these tales were lies, told to scare the children, but still, the thought of entering the unknown land made her shudder.
She began making her way towards the forest, making sure she had her bow safely strapped to her back and securing her daggers hidden in her boots. Selene had been a good shot with a bow, but out here, she wasn’t sure if her skill with a bow would be of much use. Who knew what dangers awaited?
Selene stopped a few feet away from the entrance into Asiteer, glancing at the warning sign placed at the edge of the border between the forest and Espia. She looked up at the trees once more; they didn’t look too menacing, with their lush greenery and oversized trunks. If she didn’t know any better, she might have even considered them to be beautiful. She stared at the forest for a few seconds more, then took a deep breath and stepped through the entrance.
Airen had been following the pretty elf through the forest, but after a while, it got boring. Not many people enter this part of the world, so it was a surprise when she walked through the entrance. He was about to go back home when he heard the snap of a twig. He looked down to make sure he wasn’t the one who caused it, but when he heard it once more he was sure the noise hadn’t come from him. He looked back up at elf, she stood there frozen, bow in hand.
A man walked out of the forest just then. He was wearing a red robe, the trademark of a mage. Airen had only seen a mage once, and if this one was anything like the one he faced, that elf was in trouble.
He wanted to run, but decided against it. The elf is going to need all the help she can get if the mage was hostile. He stepped out of the forest and they both looked at him.
“You must be Airen,” the mage whispered. He then pointed at the girl, “And you must be Selene.”
How does he know my name? Airen thought to himself.
“Who are you?” Selene said, notching an arrow and aiming it at the mage.
“There is no need for any violence; I’ve come bearing a message.”
Selene narrowed her eyes, “Go on.”
“Not far from here, there is a town that goes by the name of Raven morrow. It is here, where your quest begins and it is here, where it will end. You will meet many new people on this quest, some good, and some evil, whether you succeed or fail all depends on which people you choose to trust.”
“What nonsense are you talking about? What is this quest?”
“Farewell.”
“No…Don’t go, wait!!” Too late, the man had already backed into the forest and disappeared into the darkness.
“You’re lucky, not many have laid eyes on the Great Mage of Prophecy and lived to tell the tale,” Airen says, turning towards Selene.
“Great Mage of Prophecy? What are you talking about? Who are you?” Selene asked, she had so many questions forming in her mind.
“The names Airen,” he smiles, walking towards her with his hand outstretched. “And you?”
“Selene,” she says cautiously, shaking his hand. “What’s the Great Mage of Prophecy?”
“Only that he can predict the future,” he paused, “And he’s never been wrong.”
“So right now he was predicting my future? That’s impossible, no one can do that.”
“I wouldn’t underestimate the mages if I were you; they are very powerful and secretive people.” Airen warned.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Selene looked up at the sky, it was almost dark. She needed to find shelter for the night. The town that the man talked about might have an inn… “What can you tell me about this Raven Morrow?” She asked.
“I’ve only ever heard of it, I heard rumors that only the chosen ones are allowed to enter, and the path will be revealed for them when the time is right,” replied Airen.
“Why must all you forest folk talk in riddles?”
He shrugged, “Hey, you’re the one who asked, but you’re lucky, because I just happen to know a chosen one.”
“Where can we find him?” Selene hoped he was close, she was exhausted from the days events.
“He’s standing right in front of you,” Airen said, with a smile on his face.
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hey Trin!
~ Miniscule nitpicks, but you use 'her' alot in that sentence, so for variation's sake, you might change that one to 'the'. I would also swap the 'had been' for 'was'. "Selene was a good shot with a bow...". That's your choice, though. I've just been warned against using 'has been', and try to eliminate it in my own works.Sorry this has taken me a bit, life's been crazy. :^{
Anyway, getting to your review:
~ Commas are often a matter of opinion, but my opinion is that these two commas are unnessary pauses, and should therefore be eliminated.
~ "He looked down to be sure he hadn't stepped on the twig, but heard another snap, and was sure that it wasn't him."-- might be more concise. The other is a bit vague.
~ Since he's not thinking that phrase, it's just a comment, that 'is' should be 'was', or the 'is going to' should be 'would', and the 'can' should be 'could'. Also, are they all exiting the forest? Or are they just revealing themselves in a clearing? It's not very clear.
It seems as if they're just all meeting IN the forest-- so they're stepping out of the underbrush? Out of their cover? Out from behind trees? Not out of the forest, unless they've reached a meadow, or something.
~ You can't really 'think' to someone else, so the last bit is repetitive. Since you made it italicized, you could just have the 'How does he know my name?'. If you want, you can keep the 'Airen thought', though, as I said, it's completely unneccesary.
~ If this is a name, it should either be "Ravenmorrow" Or "Raven Morrow"
~ Nix the first, second , fourth, and fifth commas, replacing the fifth with a period and starting a new sentence with "Whether"...
~ Now...who is it, exactly, who's saying this?
~ I really don't like double-punctuations. It's worse when people try to mix punctuations (i.e. ?!), but I still don't like this. Please keep find another way to express his desperation.
~ 'The name's' is actually a contraction for 'the name is', so you need an apostrophe.
~ xD Love this. I can almost hear her frustration, and see the slight frown I imagine is on her face.
~~~
Alright! So I hope this wasn't too harsh. This was quite a good start to your novel, and I'd like to read more of it as you post it. Again, I apologize for the slothfulness of this review.
If you need anymore help, feel free to ask.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Thanks for the review Shadow! I really appreciate it and will edit my work soon.
Hello there, Trinity! You left a review request on my wall, so I'm here to take you up on it.
Before I begin, please keep in mind that the suggestions I'm going to offer are just that: suggestions. They are my opinions. If you disagree with them, disregard them. Your opinion concerning your work is paramount. Your own ideas presented in your own unique way are what will separate you from other writers; do not sacrifice them for anything or anyone. Now, on to the review.
This work has potential. It's obvious that you're passionate about writing and that you have plenty of creative ideas to write about. That being said, I don't feel that you've presented those ideas in the best way possible.
In a writing class I took a few years ago, the author of the textbook I was working out of wrote something that's made a huge difference in my writing. He wrote that great writers "show, don't tell." Basically, he meant that writers are supposed to tell their stories by weaving details into their writing, not by giving readers a lump of information all at once. Yes, readers need to know what's happening in your story, but, much like the forests of Asiteer, they should always have a slight mystery about them.
"The Forests of Asiteer are full of sorcery and magic. Covering almost half of known world, these forests are very mysterious places. Many have tried to explore this unknown land, but all who enter fail to return. No one knows what dwells in that part of the world and most don’t want to ever find out. "
This is a great example of telling, not showing. If I were you, I'd delete this segment of your work. Instead of telling me about the Forests in this way, use your characters' thoughts and dialogue to tell me about them, thus incorporating precious information into your story without making it too obvious. By telling me about the Forests through your characters, you'll be informing me about the setting of your story without making me feel like I'm reading something specificially designed to do so. I'll be learning about your world without knowing that I am. Writers of historical fiction are quite adept at doing this; they're able to teach their readers about a historical event without making them feel like they're sitting through a history class.
"She began making her way towards the forest, making sure she had her bow safely strapped to her back and securing her daggers hidden in her boots."
Remember, I don't need to know everything about your characters all at once. As a writer, it's your job to choose the opportune time to include certain details in your story. Don't tell me everything at once. For instance, do I really need to know about the daggers yet? If I were you, I would save them for later. They'd present a wonderful opportunity to surprise your readers by revealing that your main character is extremely skilled at throwing knives, something previously unknown to them.
Characters are like onions: they have layers. (Yes, I just kind of made a Shrek reference, but I feel like it served its purposed.)
Finally, watch your verb tenses. Instead of writing this:
"Selene had been a good shot with a bow, but out here, she wasn’t sure if her skill with a bow would be of much use."
Try this:
"Selene was a good shot with a bow, but she wasn't sure if her skills would be of much use out here."
Making sure that your writing is grammatically correct is extremely important. When your work is organized and punctuated correctly, it will feel polished, enabling it to shine to its full potential.
Overall, nice work! Again, if you disagree with my suggestions, disregard them. Although I haven't always liked it when people have criticized my work, I've realized that honest criticism, while not always the most encouraging, is extremely constructive. As a result, I try to be as honest as possible when I review someone else's work. If you ever need anything reviewed, feel free to ask.
Always keep writing!
-Rose
*served its purpose
Hey, thanks a lot. I will definitely take your advice into consideration.
Thanks for the reviews Aldiv and underaverage, I really appreciate it. Also this is only meant to be part of chapter 1. I wrote it in the description, but it looks like it didn't show. Oh well
Hey Trinity!
So you got a nice start here, but as far as a chapter to something it is very short. I would definitely work on lengthening it a bit. Maybe describe Selene, what she looks like, her age? You could even give us some background, why is she fleeing? Even describe the forest to us a bit, because it all does sound kind of vague.
This sentence sounds kind of weird, especially with the double use of "knew" you have. I would cut one and reword it. Maybe to something like, "Selene knew these tales were lied, made up to scare children, but the thought of wondering in the dark forest still made her heart quicken with fear." Or something to that extent.
Okay so that word should be "trees", and since there are multiple trees then you should say, "They didn't look to menacing, with their lush greenery..." plural for the multiple trees.
Anyways just some little nit picks, keep working!
This has a great foundation, vivid visuals, and great word choice. Maybe you could work on having longer paragraphd, but that's just me. I love it