Published November 18, 2011
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hi there, Trigger.
Hm... I like the subject you're bringing us, and what you've got is certainly good. But like Zaid said, I think you could make it longer. I'm sure there are more thoughts about the topic in your brain. You could like... give us much more in a catchy way, I know you can, you showed us your talent in this short piece. But honestly, I still wanted to read more. Kind of let me hanging. You just said the point of the poem, but you could've entertain us a lot more by writing things like the character's feelings, what was happening, why was it happening (Is it something that has to do with the character's past?), what made her/him realize this, etc.
I'm sure you can make it. I believe in you!
Keep it up!
~Solly<3
I love this, it's simple and to the point, which goes along with the image of a simple mask very well. You perfectly married that image and this poem together.
This is a great line, the imagery this conjure up are strong enough to make this poem work well as a short one.
This line portrays a soul shattering message, it's great. Truly enough to stop the reader, or at least me, in their tracks.
The only thing I would suggest is trying some alliteration with either the s or k sound, but that is just my opinion.
I really like this effort of yours.
You've done well here but there seem to be some short comings. Firstly, write more , a little poem like this is in fact harder to write because the area upon which you have to wordk is so small and you have to convey the message in the poem so vividly and cleverly that the reader will like it. I'd prefer to write longer poems, But short one's are good too, it's not that, short is good, too short isn't. I hope you get what i mean. Also try using color words, I mean adjectives that will give life to your poem and making the stanzas rhyme is also an important factor, but that also depends on the subject , like here it needed rhyming, a good deal of it.
I hope you keep trying.
sincerely,
Zaid.