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Fool's Duel: Contrition

by Trident


Foreword: The War of the Four Kingdoms of Bankshire left the land in utter ruins and decimated three of the four races.

The Men were the strongest in numbers and tactics, yet political struggle from within caused their downfall. A joint alliance between the Elves and Dwarves brought them to a final end on the Great Bankshire Hills.

The Dwarves, not content with the Elves' claim over the hills, went underground in an effort to strengthen their forces and wait out their elven counterparts' siege of their lands. A horrible plague swept across their enormous subterranean web of cities and killed the majority of their kind. A distinct smell emanated from the victims, leading to the Dwarven proverb, "Walk not where death's smell is putrid." Many suspected that the Elves had something to do with the outbreak.

The last kingdom to fall was that of the superstitious Gnomes. They were easily exterminated by the highly advanced Elves and it was said that the Elven king himself actually drank the blood of those he killed from a golden chalice, a symbol of Elvish purity.

The Elves, the only remaining race, left the lands by sea, searching for new lives and a second chance. What they found was not at all what they had expected, and instead of a new thriving society, their race slowly came to an end.

An excerpt from The Book of Histories, a compendium written by Elvish poet Tan'quin Bromatis

Of times long past and men long dead, I speak my solemn vow.

A look of pride and hint of fear stood on ev'ry ruler's brow.

The yesteryear of men, and elves, and dwarves, and gnomes elapsed.

Warred until they could war no more and their kingdoms all collapsed.

The Men were mighty, fierce, and brave; a tribute to their skills.

They bled from wounds self-ingrained, and died on those Great Hills.

The Dwarves were next, those stout steel dogs, and underground they went.

They found but death lurking there, and death's cruel putrid scent.

Even the Gnomes, so small and paltry, we slaughtered without malice.

Their blood we drank, from deep within out pristine golden chalice.

And no more are the Four, those Kingdoms of Bankshire.

Only the Elves are left this day, and slowly they expire.

There long the golden leaves have grown upon the branching years

While here beyond the sundering seas now fall the elven tears.


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Sat Aug 01, 2020 7:23 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: A really short piece that...uhh...doesn't really have a plot exactly but it is a nice little tale nonetheless and the poem at the end is a pretty nice touch to it. It sounds pretty good and overall its a nice little story. Not much of a message or anything but it's well written and certainly enjoyable. The setting seems heavily inspired by something like Tolkien and that's definitely not a bad thing just that it doesn't seem to be too unique.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The Men were the strongest in numbers and tactics, yet political struggle from within caused their downfall. A joint alliance between the Elves and Dwarves brought them to a final end on the Great Bankshire Hills.


Neat entrance there. Men and their politics. Of course that would happen.

The Dwarves, not content with the Elves' claim over the hills, went underground in an effort to strengthen their forces and wait out their elven counterparts' siege of their lands. A horrible plague swept across their enormous subterranean web of cities and killed the majority of their kind. A distinct smell emanated from the victims, leading to the Dwarven proverb, "Walk not where death's smell is putrid." Many suspected that the Elves had something to do with the outbreak.


Ouch that must have been a horrible time to be a part of and this is soo much more relevant to these days but of course you could not have had any idea about that.

The last kingdom to fall was that of the superstitious Gnomes. They were easily exterminated by the highly advanced Elves and it was said that the Elven king himself actually drank the blood of those he killed from a golden chalice, a symbol of Elvish purity.


By this point I think its pretty clear that the elves are advance with the whole plague thing and all that so I don't think that you need to spell that out again.

The Elves, the only remaining race, left the lands by sea, searching for new lives and a second chance. What they found was not at all what they had expected, and instead of a new thriving society, their race slowly came to an end.


Typical...bad decisions by the elves there.

Aaand that's it for that. The poem sounds good but I can't really review it because I'm not very good at things related to poetry in general.

Overall: It's a nice short piece, sounds like a fun legend from a history or something like that and I think that's what you were going for so that's great. And that's about all I have to say for this one. Nothing to really get into with this thing.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Sep 26, 2006 10:55 pm
Trident says...



Thanks for the comments. They were very constructive. Poetry is not a strong suit for me, but I dabble here and there.

Perhaps I can get a bit comma happy. :twisted: Those commas can be quite evil.




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Tue Sep 26, 2006 10:17 pm
Silverstar wrote a review...



I loved this. Always been a fan of stuff like this.

About the foreword- The main thing I had a problem with here was excessive use of commas, which kind of broek the flow. As in-

A horrible plague swept across their enormous subterranean web of cities, and killed the majority of their kind.


Which could probably be said better without the comma. There's a couple other places, easily solved by going through and a) taking them out b) forming new sentences. Or whatever, really.

Something that kind of caught me-

Many suspected that the Elves had something to do with the outbreak, but this was never proven.


The last bit of the sentence, 'but this was never proven', seems unnecesary to me. Since it was only suspected, you don't need to put it was never proved, and I think it would flow better. Just my opinion, of course.

The Poem-

Loved the first two lines.

But they bled from wounds self-ingrained, and died on Bankshire Hills.


This line seems a bit off in... cadence, is that what's it's called?

Their blood, we drank, from deep within out pristine golden chalice


Liked this line too. Ver' nice. Maybe take out the first comma.

And that's all. Nice work. :D It would be neat to see if you were going to do anything more with this.




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Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:44 am
Myth says...



Interesting foreword. I’m not much of a poetry critic but the poem used short details to describe the events without being longwinded. It had an air of Tolkien-ism about it.





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