[ I'm in the middle of a project and just wanted to receive some feedback. Here's a sample. ]
The small boy held tightly onto his mothers side, clammy hands gripping the cotton poly blend. A woman with blond sandy hair and blue eyes blocked his way forward. She wore a long summer dress, worn and ripped at the bottom from their chase. The two had tried to flee but now he had them, cornered in a filthy ally, a barb wire fence blocking there escape. Jack, the child, had tan shorts, one tennis shoe and a green shirt, the knees splattered with mud and grass stains. Labored breaths swept in and out of his mouth. Shriveled lungs fought to produce oxygen but the sickness had been around so long it was a loosing battle. Jack's body was small, smaller then it should of been, his blond hair frail and messy with sweat. Little muscle laid between skin and bone. The woman look horrified by his appearance what with the robe and scythe, but who wouldn't. Even if it was a bit dramatic.
" Please, you can't be serious...he's all I have! " strong but wavering blue eyes stared down at him, testing his words.
Tilting his head Cassidy kept silent, extending his pale hand to the child. The mother, no older then twenty five wrapped her arms around the boy, her body rocking back and forth like a cradle.
" No you can't, he's only a boy...my boy " Cassidy felt a gentle tug in his chest, he'd done his job countless times but the children were always the hardest. The mothers fought him every step. Offering bribes, money, their homes, food, sex. If only it was that simple. In exchange they hoped to keep their child for another month, maybe a day?
" Mommy I don't wanna go..." the boys pleads were muffled in the woman's shirt as he hung on tighter.
" I'm sorry Miss Carter " his voice dripped with remorse.
Reaching forward, the child's breathing slowing as he approached, eyes shutting. Cassidy blocked out the mothers chilling shriek as he closed in. Cassidy wavered before he placed his hand on the boy's shoulder. For a moment he was still, leaning back a small limpid child's form held his hand, moving over to his side shimmered brightly. As if it was a miniature burning sun. Retrieving a scroll of paper from his robes inside pocket he crossed off Jack Carter from the ever growing list. Young Jack looked onto his mother sadly, his hand squeezing Cassidy's. The Reaper squeezed back in reassurance. The smaller hand was warm against his cold palm, the pure ones always were.
" Why! You monster! Why him... " she clung firmly to the small lifeless form, her mascara smeared over her rosy cheeks. Miss Carter's brows knit in anger and sadness.
" Don't worry Miss Carter...you'll be with your son soon enough " Cassidy vanished in a cover of vapor, smoke and soot with the child safely in hand.
The job never got any easier for him. He wished it could, more than anything.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Is this the beginning? If this is the beginning it has a lot of potential.
"The small boy held tightly onto his mothers side, clammy hands gripping the cotton poly blend. A woman with blond sandy hair and blue eyes blocked his way forward. She wore a long summer dress, worn and ripped at the bottom from their chase."
My suggestion is to rejumble this part. Try "Her long summer dress was worn and ripped at the bottom from their chase" as the first line. It is a really good hook. Then mention the boy, and maybe a bit of description. At this point in time the description gets in the way a bit.
Shriveled lungs fought to produce oxygen... - *His shrivelled lungs. Otherwise they're just lungs, it is kind of a funny thing to imagine.
Miss Carter's brows knit in anger and sadness. - Should be 'Knitted,' you changed tense.
As if it was a miniature burning sun. - This is more like a clause than a sentence, so it would be better linked with the previous one.
This is all a great introduction for Cassidy, I am curious to know more. Your technique needs a little improvement, but based on this I would say this project looks like it is going well.
<yoshi>
Ahh crap. I wrote a review but it like vanished. Damn the world... Grr. Basically, you need to fix up a LOT of your punctuation and grammar and try to keep the level of description to a minimum if this is your beginning chapter. Leave the reader guessing and all that. A few of your sentences need tweaking to make sense, too. Good luck!
Moved to Other Fiction. If you want to get feedback, you should post it in the literary areas.
If you think this would be better in another literary forum (Action/Adventure, Romance, etc), just let me know and I'll move it for you.
-Blinky
You should post this in a writing thread to get feedback, not the randomness where everything just don't make much sense, Randomness is just for fun.