Published September 8, 2010
End of the book. I don't know... I guess I just wanted to post. This is the last half of the last chappie. Hope you guys like it. If not, please tell me why so I can fix it up...
*"mahal" means love in Filipino.
Story protagonist is Joshua.
“Farewell and Godspeed.” Myrina said.
Milhad held out a silver ball and a bright flash of light once again was the last thing he saw.
---
A window slamming open startled him awake. His eyes still foggy saw nothing but white. A flash of orange hopped onto his lap and started purring. He stroked its fur, Tabby he thought. A dark figured approached him. As his eyes got clearer, he saw it was his mom. She looked exhausted; her cropped hair had now grown out until her shoulders and the dark circles under her eyes were evidence of sleepless nights. She was smiling and crying at the same time as she kissed her son. He was in a white room, a hospital room.There was an open window to his left. It looked as if the window might have not woken up only him. His mother's eyes were still puffy.
“Josh! You’re awake!” said his mother as she embraced him. “Do you remember anything, mahal*?”
He shook his head looking confused. “How long was I out?” he asked.
“You were in a coma for three months honey. We found you a few hours after you went missing. You slipped and fell off a ridge while chasing a lamb. You hit your head remember?” she said.
“So it was all a dream?” he said in a disappointed whisper.
“Wait right there dear, I’ll go get your father.” said his mother. “Nurse!” he heard his mother say as she stepped out of the room.
“Wait, mom!” he wanted to know it wasn’t a dream. He wanted to know that Kala and Milhad weren’t figments of his imagination. He wanted to know that everything was true. While reaching out for his mother, he knocked something off the table by his bedside onto the floor. He slid off his bed to pick it up then his world went spinning round. He sat back down on his bed.
A necklace. The necklace Kala had given him that night by the fire, the night they kissed. He held the small wood-carved angel between his fingers, feeling every contour of the object and he pressed it tightly against his lips. The scent of the forest, her scent, still lingered on the necklace. How did it get here? He pushed the thought out of his mind because right now, he just wanted to know it was all real. It made him smile to know that it wasn’t a dream. But it made him feel even worse knowing that she was now gone, his opposite pole, his equalizer, his everything.
He felt a warm tear roll down his cheek but he was too impossibly lonely to care. He just sat there in silence as he held the angel. He held it tight, as tightly as he could without breaking it so as not to lose any memory of her; his angel.
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141,629 Literary Works • 675,281 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmmm...this is a neat little start. A pretty intense one too there with what appears to be one person copping a rather strong blow to their head and ending up in some sort of hospital area where people appear to have been quite worried about their wellbeing. Well, this is certainly the sort of start that gets your attention rather well here. A solid start.
Well that story makes this seem like much less of a concern, well it is a concern, this one did still hit their head after all and that's not laughing matter, but it appears this isn't necessarily what was mentioned in that one line at the start there and the slight confusion by this person here does all but confirm that. Well...things remain intriguing after all.
Well this certainly hints at some interesting consequences there. It appears that there is much more to this moment than what we can initially glean here. There's hints of some sort of love interest lost and there's a sense that the scene that led to this moment involved some sort of assassination perhaps. Well...at any rate we're left asking a lot of questions here and I think it make for a pretty cool start here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Ooh my gosh!!! Thanks for replying... Hmm... I liked your comments and I didn't even notice some of the mistakes I made. Thanks again... I'll try re-editing this tomorrow... I'm just too tired right now...
Hey.
First, if you haven't noticed, it's kinda hard to read bunched up text the way you've submitted your story. It would be so much easier to read if you formatted this like so:
Second, "it was all a dream" novel endings are just awful. As in, literally mean for the reader. You suck them into this wonderful story, this place that is alive and beautiful and unique - and then you tell them that it was just a dream. Here you've included a necklace from the dream, so maybe it wasn't quite a dream, but the principle still stands. Imagine if the series of Harry Potter ended with, "And then he woke up, his forehead bleeding from the cut that occurred when his head had bashed the dash board during the crash."
So yeah. Perhaps reconsider this ending. You could always end with Josh voluntarily sliping back into a coma to go back to the world he visited. But that's up to you.
Onto the review:
The last sentence is a tad weak regarding "once again was the last thing he saw". You could replace this with anything, "the bright flash burned into his retinas", "his world filled with light". You don't have to say, "last thing he saw".
You say he saw nothing but white, and then straight after you mention him seeing orange. Perhaps you should change that. I've crossed out some things here and moved them below, as they seemed to fit better.
I find this a little bit mixed up. I would have asked, "What happened?", not "how long was I out". If I had just come back from another world, I would want to know why I was dropped into that world in the first place.
This is the way I think it makes a little bit more sense:
I think it flows a bit better that way, but that's just my opinion
What did you mean by, "know that everything was true"?
It's quite a sad ending, and I don't know why you'd want readers to suffer that, but it's up to you
I liked it, and would enjoy reading the whole story.
- Jai