We hop on our bikes,
And ride down the street,
Our wheels thumping,
On the concrete.
We flew down the street,
The wind in our hair,
Whooping and laughing,
Without a single care.
When we arrived,
We jumped right in,
The clear blue water,
Cool against our skin.
The Sun shone down,
Onto the water,
The water’s surface,
Growing hotter.
We splashed water,
At each other,
And then we swam,
After one another.
We skipped stones,
Across the water,
And dunked each other,
Underwater.
We tried to catch,
Fish in our hands,
Along the shore,
Of white sands.
We had a race,
To see who was faster,
My friend swam before me,
And him I swam after.
We dried off,
And went to our bikes,
The Sun casting,
Colorful stripes.
The Sun started,
To set in the west,
To go to the creek again,
Was our one request.
Hi, here with a review. I really loved your piece, it rhymed, it was descriptive and it was easy to imagine. I liked how you described what they felt and saw. I generally liked how you've explained their day out.Overall, I love it and I look forward to see you write more. I would love to visit this place one day. Quick question is this place made up? Keep writing!
~Rosy234
Hello there, Travis!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^
I think that the use of poetic device could help this poem out a lot. If you were to use imagery, you would be able to tap into emotions and details much stronger than was presented here.
There's a subtle rhyme that is constant throughout the poem, which I feel could be removed. I'm not too big of a fan when it comes to rhyme, because it's something not really necessary (and a whole lot of people think that it is). Rhyme constricts the reader into a specific set of words/vocabulary. This can cause forced rhyme scheme, which doesn't sound so good. It can also prevent the author from being able to convey certain emotions or feelings. If you were to remove the rhyme, however, it would be a lot easier to add in imagery after (this is your choice, however, and you aren't obligated to do that. If this is form poetry and I'm not aware of this, let me know).
You repeat yourself a lot when transitioning from one scene/moment to the next. With a lot of "We's" and "When's" and "And's" and "After's", which I feel isn't necessary and could be fixed. The poem kind of drones on and on, as well, when it comes to repetition, which I think could be replaced in order to present something new to the reader. Use of stanzas could also help the poem out, but again, that's your choice and isn't something necessary. Just a personal suggestion.
I hope my review helped you out, and have a great day! ^-^
120,202 Literary Works • 649,059 Reviews
Points: 1863
Reviews: 48
Donate