BONG...BONG...BONG. The cathedral bell rang out across the small town of Brixten.The sound rolled through the hazy streets, breaking the silence.
Something terrible had happened and it was as if the whole town was holding its breath.
Outside of the cathedral, a mouse was waiting, tapping his foot impatiently. He looked up at the cathedral steeple, a look of annoyance on his face. The mouse was well groomed. His appearance however, did not correspond with his character. He was easily angered, and had no sense of restraint.
“Hello Constantine.” The mouse turned around. Out of the haze came another mouse.
“Rembrandt,” Constantine said, a note of disgust in his voice. “You are as unkempt as always.” The mouse was indeed. His fur was matted with dirt, and his claws were chipped and uneven. Rembrandt scowled.
“Due to the current circumstances, my appearance is of no importance.”
In spite of himself, Constantine leaned forward eagerly.
“So it’s true then?” Rembrandt’s scowl faded.
“I’m afraid so,” he said quietly. Constantine gasped,
“But he’s just a myth, a legend.” Rembrandt shook his head solemnly. “Believe me, he’s no myth.”
For the first time, Constantine looked closer at Rembrandt.
He was more scarred than usual and-was that blood on his side? Constantine blinked. “But-how-wha-whe?”
Constantine cleared his throat, trying to regain his composure. When he could trust himself to speak again, he said, “And what of the sword, is it real, too?” Rembrandt slowly nodded.
“I believe so. There was also-” he hesitated, as if contemplating whether or not to say more.
“What?” Constantine persisted. “What else?” Rembrandt looked up and down the street, making sure that no one was near.
“A child,” he said softly. “There was talk of a child.” Constantine’s brow furrowed.
“Talk from whom?” he asked skeptically. Rembrandt looked up and down the street once more.
“I can’t tell you here,” he said. “Even this conversation is risky.”
There was an uncomfortable silence. The darkness around them seemed too ominous and unpredictable now, like anything could come bounding out from it. “What should we do?” Constantine asked, his words cutting through the silence. Rembrandt was quiet for a moment, then unexpectedly he gave Constantine an envelope. “Whatever is this?” He asked questionably.
“I’ll explain later, just open it once you’re far away from here.” He turned around and started to run. “Wake everyone up and tell them,” he yelled.
“Tell them what?” Constantine yelled back.
“Tell them the Beast has awoken!” he yelled as he disappeared into the distance. Constantine was still for a second and then he took off in the the other direction.
He went to holes and cabinets, “The Beast has awoken!” He went to chests and nooks, “The Beast has awoken!” He went to attics, cracks, and closets, “The Beast has awoken! The Beast has awoken! The Beast has awoken!”
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140,722 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
This one sounds very engaging. Especially since you had the dialogue and reactions flow so well together. Plus, you didn't give away anything, which leaves the audience to guess what it is or find out by reading more of the story. I'm kinda curious what the Beast is, but I have a good idea since the citizens are mice. It would be fitting if the Beast was a cat.
Thank you!
Hey Travis,
First Impressions: One of my favorite series are the "Redwall" books, so I'm a little biased towards epic movies about little animals. Super great.
All personal interests alike, I feel like this little piece is not bad, with some great potential to be turned into something longer.
Positives:
You do a good job of throwing enough description to the reader, letting them build profiles for the characters and the scenes as they go. While at times it may be a bit of an information dump, it is at least intriguing because it's new.
Negatives:
This part is a little confusing as the structure is sort of messed up and out of order.
Overall: Nice and sweet, but with the evil twist coming. Can't wait to read more!
I give it:
Thank you for telling me. I'll try to see what I can do to fix it.
Heya, Travis! Casanova here to do a review!
First off I'd like to say I love your character description. Especially of Rembrandt. You depict him as a somewhat edgy, feisty, rather temperamental character and I absolutely love that. I do have trouble depicting him as a protagonist, though. But I'm sure that'll unfold later on in the story.
Another thing I would like to say is this unfolded rather quickly. The first paragraph is rather slow, but it's sort of like being in a really fast car. That first sixty miles per hour is okay, but once you hit above sixty it seems to go by faster. Then you hit the middle, or a hundred and twenty, and it seems to spend up even farther. I like that, keep it going. Extremely dramatic.
I have somewhat of an idea of where you're going with the,"Beast has woken," thing. It's just a guess, but from the context so far I would assume something along the lines of a natural enemy of mice. Something like a cat, or a snake, or a hawk or something. Something that would make the Mice run in fear and be afraid.
One thing that did somewhat bother me was in the beginning it seemed like you were making the mice life-size. Like the world is theirs.
Here I pictured a mouse the size of a person, arms crossed, huffing and tapping is foot waiting for something/someone. But here-
I pictured a mouse scurrying around the cathedral, getting in as many small places as possible telling everyone that the beast has woken up.
Anyway, that's all I have to say about this one. I hope it's helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Thank you, for sharing your opinion with me. I'll try to tweak it to make clearer.