Hey Traves! So *many months and many poems later* I've finally gotten to this review! 
Sorry for the excessive wait!
So I'm going to tackle this in a few categories!
Slam Poetry Elements
I would strongly recommend reading this poem out-loud, there were a few elements that I felt were a bit tongue-tied for me when I read it, and it's one of the best ways to figure out if the flow is alright.
One element I liked that you used was repetition - > stanza 1 you have two lines beginning with "because" in stanza 7 you begin two lines with "in places" - > this is a good way to heighten drama, especially if the repetition is done 3 or more times, each repeat have can a heavier or more dramatic description to follow - and vocally repetition also helps people follow what you're saying. If you can fit more of this in - with repeating both line beginnings and sentence structures it'll help for comprehension and listener engagement.
Using the "I" voice in present tense can be very powerful in slam poetry - because the audience will see you as not a narrator but as literally embodying what you're saying - that allows for some interesting internal commentary (like when I write a normal poem, it creates a "breaking of the 4th wall moment" if I say "I'm writing these words to say" -> you can do the same thing much more effectively when your orally reciting a poem. In the last stanza you have good use of I voice and actually the poem feels like it moves from being a description to being more of a conversation/monologue/internal expression.
In this instance, "But I do not utter a word,
for what use is a word when" it felt like you just about did that, except the comment contradicted what was being said. If you say, " I do not utter a word" that's a contradiction that's either ironic or distracting.
Bookending is another good technique I saw you use in this poem. While the middle part meandered into different places, by the end we were back in the same messy room as the beginning of the poem - this helps ground the piece, good idea for a long poem.
Now some techniques I think ought to be used a bit more - you use rhyme and alliteration here and there - but it's inconsistent and doesn't necessarally seem to be instrumental. If you're going to use it sparingly - I'd suggest mainly using it in the most emotional points in the poem or to highlight particular sections. Also in a poem that is spoken out loud sometimes it's actually fun to really go for rhyme and alliteration or playing with word phrasings, it makes the poem feel more "poetic" and makes the lines memorable.
For instance in your last 4 lines you use 2 end rhymes and a bit of alliteration - it's subtle. Here's what I might do if I was trying to hype-up that section or make it excessive;
"even get cut in the process if I must,
push and pull and adorn my hair with dust
the whole day till I collapse at night
and wait for you to return at first light."
^ your version
"let me cut to the chase, i'm not afraid to get cut
to get my butt unstuck, out of this rut, I've gotta try,
not to die, I'll push, pull, press, pray that I grow wings,
and hey here's the other thing, I'll rise, flying bird I will fly and sing,
I'll put on the fuss, adorn this hair with dust, do what I must,
even if it's all just - to collapse in the night,
to wait for hope's return at first light."
^ version with amplified sound-devices
You wouldn't necessarily want every or most sections to sound like that, but having really dramatic sections where it's just dripping with almost too many sound-devices honestly looks a bit dr. seuss-like on the page, but it sounds great when read in longer poem.
Another thing you might try is when you make lists, they should go somewhere. Drama/imagery/metaphor should be heightened with each new description. (for instance do you see in my version above how in the list "push, pull, press, pray that I grow wings" that the last iteration gets the most exciting? If your finding you're descriptions aren't amplifying the image/point, then just condense them.) In some places of this poem it felt like it stopped going anywhere because it was crossing the same territory multiple times - making sure you are being conscious of how you order elements of description as well as putting continuous threads of imagery will help with that.
Interpretation
I found this poem a little bit difficult to interpret as one solid story line, there were different threads that came through, but in the middle especially it became difficult to see how those threads connected. I'd say I interpreted the main issue to be that the person is struggling from a deep depression - and the messiness of their mind is becoming real or maybe just symbolized in what's around them - in their home in their pain in their work. They end up processing through a lot of anger in the middle section, and by the end they are resolved to tell the reader/listener that they're not giving up even it takes everything out of them. Though they're not going to say that it's easy.
A Few Wording Suggestions
"Haven’t been shut for too long," -> I think "have been shut too long" would make more sense, because you almost have double negative going.
I found this description odd -
"Pity shows as you eye the prone form,
masking a flash of disgust, now gone.
A toothy smile and greeting follow" -> "prone form" doesn't evoke a lot of meaning for me, but it didn't seem to fit the other word choice around it, a bit too elevated among the other casual phrasings.
I don't think the stanza with all questions is particularly helpful for moving the narrative along and could perhaps be condensed.
I actually love this unexpected pairing - >
"Staying in and stuffing your face
with cheese balls and Adderall?"
Though I do not follow what's being said here:
"Exercising helps, studies have found that…
…That was pretty interesting, right?" -> if this poem was being delivered orally you put a long scientific quote where the ellipses is and just breeze through it, but it seems like something should go there.
This list of things seems too random: "You look down and see flowers, kittens,
laptops and warm food."
I like the second half of that stanza though a lot.
"We look up, and see
tremulous wisps of colour
moving piles of fur and bone
pulsating light bouncing off empty eyes
and what remains after the fur and bones."
All that is great imagery! 'tremulous wisps of colour' is especially nice phrasing.
If you're working on condensing this poem, which might help it's continuity a bit, what I'd do is write out the poem you want - whatever you need to say, just write it. And then print and take a highlighter and prioritize - > pick 5 of the best phrases, 5 of the second best phrases, see if you can connect those 10 - and then scrap the rest using just the gems left. I have a really difficult time self-editing my poems too, when there's just something that I feel needs to be said - but oftentimes taking a concious effort to wipe out the extra wordage - actually adds more clarity to the piece, rather than taking it away. It's not to say the other parts aren't good, just that it might be better with less words. However for slam poetry, this rule is a bit iffy / because you kind of need some filler if you're going to talk fast, so that people can process the important parts.
This is another really interesting section: "So keep the lacerations of your light
to you, because they give me less dark
to observe the true shape of this jagged world.
The dark is not blinding, it’s eye opening.
you skip along, falter and fall and then"
I would like to see you do more with continuous imagery, maybe with light and dark, or sight and blindness or imagery - in a long poem whether it's a slam poem or otherwise, having some motif or image that is continually pulled along (almost like a supporting character in a novel) helps people connect the poem's movement together so that it feels more continuous rather than fragmented - it'll also help readers from getting lost, if there are multiple images or themes they can latch on to. See if you can work in some more of that light/dark imagery at the beginning if you decide to revisit this.
Overall Impressions
Overall, this has some nice elements of slam poetry in here and I think you can work on a couple techniques here and there, especially in terms of continuity of the piece. One thing I especially liked that I didn't comment on above is that the poem has multiple-toned emotion (I explain that better in my slam poetry KB article) its' not all sad and not all hopeful, but it turns back and forth and processes anger too, this helps keep it interesting and I think makes it more in tune with people's real life experiences.
Nice work Traves, sorry again that it took half a year for me to write a review for this! If I missed anything you wanted feedback on, please let me know, and I'd be happy to discuss more.
-alliyah
Points: 144125
Reviews: 1227
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