Bottles
A well-dressed man in his thirties strutted into the public house and pulled himself ceremoniously onto a stool at the bar. He sighed and flicked a bottle blond strand of hair from his eye. Presently the barman, dressed in black arrived and waited patiently for the stranger to speak.
“Can I pour you a drink sir, “ he began, his brown eyes twinkling in the dim light.
“A little early don’t you think?” the stranger replied, consulting a clock over the barman’s head.
“ For a beer?”
The stranger chuckled.
“No, my good man, for stupid questions!”
The barman smirked and proceeded to empty the contents of the tap in front of him into a glass, which seemed to have been pulled from thin air.
In the background Billy Joel’s Piano Man filled the air and droned out the muttering and coughing coming from the rest of the bar. Half empty bottles littered the counter. A long mirror stretched out behind the counter and was interrupted now and again by an odd notice or pamphlet. The barman slapped the glass on the counter with an incoherent grunt. The stranger lowered his eyes and reached out for the glass. The barman’s eyes widened and he stumbled backward. The stranger’s hands, which had been hidden under the counter until this moment, were covered in blood, the dishevelled sleeve of his jacket streaked a menacing murky red.
At the sight of the barman’s shock the stranger smiled arrogantly. He drew down his sleeves with a wink and turned slightly away from the bar. He gave no explanation or excuse, nor did his expression give anything away as he stared unblinkingly into the furthest corner of the dark public house. The barman, his composure having now returned, moved cautiously away from the handsome stranger, his eyes never leaving his solitary figure. At long last his shift ended and he hurriedly left the bar, casting fearful glances over his shoulder.
The following morning the body of a young woman was found in one of the many back alleys of the city. She had been brutally stabbed and left for dead on the cold cobblestones. A few days later, a young barman was questioned following the discovery of a bloody shirt and the victim’s wallet in the bottom of his locker at his workplace. He claimed he was working all that night but the people at the bar that evening claimed to have been too drunk to notice or could not give a definite alibi. Despite his fervent protestations that he was innocent and that it was one of his customers that night that had killed the young woman, a high court jury found him guilty of the young woman’s murder and sentenced him to life in prison for this especially gruesome murder. He was found hanging in his cell two weeks later.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So that took quite a dark turn there. The story itself flowed smoothly until that very last paragraph and I will why that is down below. The conversation sounded very natural and there some great although admittedly gruesome description sprinkled through this and that's nice to see because it easy to imagine what is going on.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that certainly seems like a fairly mundane opening but its just mundane enough that it does get the attention of a reader so great job there.
Well that certainly sounds like a typical bar conversation or at least I think so because I haven't really been in one. But at least it does sound simple pleasantries that would be exchanged at the start of a really conversation.
Well that's quite a reveal and a really nice description too. Great job with that.
Well that is certainly very interesting although that last bit seems to be kind of a little bit rushed where you just transition without a warning into the bartender just bolting for the streets at the end of his shift.
Well that certainly took a turn although as usual it is a depressing and sad one. Not sure how this happened and that whole just seems like it should have been its own story rather than just being rushed and stated like that. I honestly think that you could do away with that extra paragraph and still have a pretty darn good story that would not be as complete but for a short story it would be a nice little cliffhanger to leave people wondering rather than this rushed job of tying up loose ends.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a pretty concise plot with a simple idea that was executed pretty well in my opinion. I won't say it was fun to read as it quite dark but it certainly was an interesting read and it told a very unfortunate tale. Overall a pretty well written piece.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Good story, the beginning could to with some tweaks but it was very good and you set the scene perfectly. I felt very drawn to it. The style used was clever and I enjoyed it-write more please!
This paragraph though:
Seemed a bit to rushed, I would've liked to have seen it stretched a bit more. Surely this isn't the end?
Is there more? All I could find was that you could use more of an entrance. I like it, and I think you wrote it well.