Hello, Tory here! I just wanna say that I have never written a poem quite like this one so, constructive criticism would be good. In parts I know it can be cliche but I felt I couldn't put the words any other way. Thank you
You leave me for a time.
I miss the way you caressed my cheek,
I miss your fingers raking through my tangled hair.
I miss feeling you physically.
You come back, yet you leave me alone.
Work has to get done.
I miss your kind voice when you payed me close attention,
The way you smiled with love and laughed with heart.
I miss listening to you, as I cling to the emotions you sparingly gave.
Your body and mind, they are sick; weak.
You fear,
You cry,
You dwindle.
I miss your energy and strength.
I miss the way you always shook-it-off and encouraged me to do the same.
I don't miss my grief, anger, and pain,
I don't miss all the times I was desperately crying for you to come near me.
I will shake-it-off, all these burdening emotions from my past and present.
But remember I will always miss you Mom,
That sorrow, I will never shake-off,
Because that pang can only come from our broken love taken away forcefully.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi! Thank you for the review, it helped when you(the reader) explained what you got from the poem. I have edited some parts to make them more understandable. Oh and the word weak in this poem means sick/ill, I should have made that clear sorry. This is the most emotional piece I have EVER written so I was very nervous about the response, I was actually crying when I wrote this so yeah lets just say I was kinda pouring my heart out lol. And again thank you for such a gracious and honest review.
-Tory
I really liked this poem, it had a lot of feeling to it! The only things that caught my attention were...
This didn't make very much sense to me and also seemed a little out of place.
Here you're saying that the person is weak, but then you go to say that you miss the strength. Just a little confusing, but I know strength and weakness can have a lot of different meanings, so it still works okay. I wouldn't worry about it too much.
These were some of my favorite lines! Overall, I liked your poem. Keep it up!
<..> Kat