z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Thunderfleece Ch-1 – Padlocked Pandemonium

by TinkerTwaggy


The grass offered little resistance as it was torn away from its peaceful position, only to enter the innocent mouth of a light brown-fleeced lamb. Said lamb carefully chewed its food, before a tiny frown appeared on its pitch black face.

Mm. Should be more crunchy. With that thought in mind, the little lamb glanced over his shoulder, finding even that act to be difficult, given that the fleece that covered his back was almost twice bigger than his tiny body, and that a large, golden padlock of a necklace surrounded his neck. Still, he managed to gaze back and noticed that his flock wasn’t far away: they were, like him, enjoying the light breeze that passed through the grassy green plains that was their resting territory.

Like he was taught to do, the little lamb raised his tail: it was as long as his body, and covered in dense fur with distinctive brown and white stripes – different for every individual, or so he had been told – and its tip shaped like a furry dagger. the lamb’s padlock began to shine brightly around the keyhole area, and a sudden pulse of light travelled from the necklace to the dagger tip of the lamb’s tail, with the stripes glowing golden in the process. The light was released in the form of a quick ray for the entire flock to see.

Twink: Here.

The lamb released another series of light rays.

Twink: Move. Near. Grass.

Somewhere within the flock, a series of rays answered him. The little lamb easily recognized them as an adult’s rays.

Twynk?

Twynk chuckled. It was his mother: and as usual, she didn’t miss a single moment to correct the shape of the rays that spelled his name. Patient as always, Twynk modified his rays.

Twynk. Move. Near, near. Grass.

Not too far. the mother immediately replied. Not too far.

Not too far. Twynk promised. Crunchy grass. Back soon. not even waiting for the last warning that he knew his mother would give him, Twynk walked down the small hill his flock was currently resting on, and reached the tiny pond he had discovered while looking at the landscape a few days ago. It was surrounded by two trees, which gave Twynk a nice shadow to stay under while he ate. Upon arriving, he immediately gazed down and snatched the grass beneath his feet. As he chewed, a distinctive crunchy sound echoed through his teeth, and his long tail began to whip the air above him – a sign that he was pleased.

Twynk didn’t know why exactly did he like his crunchy grass so much, but for some reason, he was the only one in the flock that would go so far to get it.

“I dunno!” he had exclaimed to his mother, one day. “It’s, um… It’s… My teeth crush things. It's a great noise. I like when my teeth crush things.”

His mother had giggled, telling him that, sometimes, he looked like he was too fond of something that she called “pandemonium.” He hadn’t dared to question what she meant at the time, because she was used to his eccentricities, just like he was used to her fancy words and meanings, but now that he thought about it again, he should ask her what she meant, after he came back. Maybe he could learn to spell the world in light rays, too.

A cackle suddenly resounded around Twynk’s position. He raised his head, frowning as he realized that a second cackle joined the first one. Not only did they seem to get closer, they were continuous, one high-pitched, the other, low, but ending with a growl before resuming. Twynk turned back, only to notice a curious sight: two dog-like beings strolled his way, and they seemed to be the origin of the cackle. They were slightly bigger than he was, appearing as entirely brown spots trotting on the grass. Tiny digging claws appeared on their feet, though their most recognizing features were their triangular ears on each side of their face, and the small tuft of silver fur shaped like a flame above their eyes. To Twynk’s surprise, a third, silent beast had appeared, about as big as the two others. Intrigued, Twynk slowly lowered his head and took another patch of crunchy grass in his mouth. The noise alerted the three beasts, who jerked their heads in his direction like a single creature. Their cackling resumed for a short while, until finally, they reached Twynk’s position, encircling him without a word.

“...Hello!” Twynk exclaimed, apparently surprising the three beasts, who jerked backwards, showing off a series of sharp fangs.

“...It can Uni-Talk too?” one of them inquired, gazing at Twynk with a mix of suspicion and curiosity. “What is it?”

Twynk flashed a grin. “Hello!” he repeated. “I’m not an ‘it.’ I’m Twynk.”

“You’re a… Twink?” one of the other beasts asked.

“Ah, no! I mean, that’s how you pronounce it, but, it’s my name. Twynk. My species is… um… Locksheep, in Uni-Talk.”

“Locksheep.” One of the cubs repeated. They gazed at each other, intrigued. “Locksheep called Twynk.”

“Yeah!” Twynk approved, his tail wagging with glee. His mother would be proud. “What are your names?”

“But then… You’re prey.” one of the cubs continued, as the two others began to cackle again.

Twynk nodded happily. “Yup! And you’re predators! Um, Taeyen, right? The Cackling Wolves?”

“We’re not wolves!” one of the cubs shouted angrily. “We’re Taeyen from Arjenla!”

"Yeah, yeah! And we've seen bigger sheeps, too!" another one added pridefully.

"And the sheeps in Arjenla are black, too!" the third one barked.

“Yes, but I don’t know where that is...” Twynk replied thoughtfully. “Oh! Uh, and I’d still like your names, before we start. I like names. They're memorable.”

“I heard these Locks can call their packs, too!" the third Taeyen exclaimed. "With thunder!”

Twynk shook his head. “We call it Pulse. It's like thunder, but it's like light, too.”

“Shut it, Locksheep!”

“My name’s Twynk.”

“Should we push it in the pond?” one of the Taeyen suggested.

Twynk’s face brightened. “That sounds fun!”

“What if it calls for help?” said another.

“I, um, I’m not going to do that.”

“But we can bite its neck before that!” reasoned the third one.

Twynk frowned. “I… still don’t know your names.”

“Can we even see his neck? It must be hidden behind its fur!”

Twynk tilted his head, confused. “What should I name you, then...?”

“Let’s just eat him!”

The three Taeyen cubs finally stopped their dispute and stared at Twynk in silence. The latter smiled, lowered his head and picked up more of his crunchy grass.

“...I said: we’re gonna eat you!” one of them repeated.

Twynk munched on, thoughtful. “...Arjenlok…” he began, gazing at the cub on his left. “...Arjenfang…” he continued, looking at the one on his right. “...And Arjenbark. Mmhm! Good!” He swallowed his grass, visibly satisfied.

“What did it just do?” Arjenlok whispered to his partners.

“I gave you names! Less confusing.” Twynk revealed happily. "And I guess this is the part where you try to eat me, so...” a wide grin decorated Twynk’s face as he spread his legs, bent them slightly and let a bright light cover the keyhole of his padlock. Then, the Pulse engulfed his entire body, and his fleece turned golden along the rings of his tail. His entire fur became impressively spiky as he lifted his tail above his head: and this time, it really did look like a menacing dagger covered in an electric aura. Tiny white dots appeared on each of Twynk’s pitch black eyes, posing as eerily glowing pupils.

“Come one, come all, predators!” Twynk declared, his grin widening by the second. “Let’s see who can unmask this padlocked wolf in a sheep’s clothing!” he giggled. The tale tellers of his flock would be proud – he remembered the lines perfectly.

The three young Taeyen, however, stared with awe and confusion, cackling nervously. “Why… Why is it not running away?” Arjenfang whispered.

“Let’s… Just… EAT IT!” a frustrated Arjenbark shouted before jumping forward, fangs aimed directly at Twynk’s face. Evidently, the poor cub had little to no experience dealing with a Locksheep, because attacking its face while its Pulse was active was certainly not the wisest of decisions – a fact that Twynk made sure to confirm by simply sending a discharge of Pulse from the tip of his tail towards the rushing cub, who was pushed back, letting a painful yelp escaping its mouth. Going by the logic that a sleeping predator would certainly leave him alone, Twynk aimed his raised tail towards Arjenbark as the Taeyen attempted to rise, and fired more Pulse rays until it collapsed for good, knocked out. 

Okay, one down! Twynk thought to himself, satisfied. The two others stared at Twynk with big eyes. Then, Arjenlok began cackling again, slowly approaching Twynk. In the meantime, Arjenfang raised his front paws: a glowing silver light engulfed them, and he slammed them on the ground, creating a cloud of smoke. Twynk frowned, but turned his eyes back on Arjenlok, who was suddenly much closer than he previously was. Twynk fired another Pulse ray, but the Taeyen leaped on the side, dodging it with ease. The ground beneath Twynk’s feet trembled: Twynk ran away from the spot, just in time to avoid the surprise attack of Arjenfang. Twynk skidded on the ground and turned around, tail raised again as he frowned, seeing that Arjenfang’s front paws were still glowing. He gazed at the previously created cloud of smoke, and saw a hole in its place. 

“O-o-o-o-oh!” Twynk exclaimed with awe. “You can dig underground super fast! And then Arjenlok can just distract me and stuff while you attack me from below! That’s so cool!” Twynk jumped in place excitedly.

“...What’s it blabbing about now?” Arjenlok inquired, visibly exasperated.

“I think its happy, for some r–”

A sudden Pulse ray hit Arjenfang’s mouth, preventing it to finish his sentence. They both looked back at Twynk, who blinked, confused by the hostility. “...What? Mom says I can talk if I’m at a safe distance. “You aren't, though.”

A predatory growl was Arjenfang’s sole reply. Then, both him and Arjenlok raised their paws and hit the ground, disappearing under it. Naturally, Twynk's eyes widened as he realized the problem. His ears were good enough to allow him tracking one of them, but with both, it would be much harder. He frantically gazed around him, until his eyes met the abandoned body of the knocked out Arjenbark. “...Grasslands and gales, I got it!” Twynk exclaimed as he ran towards the body. One of the Taeyen suddenly jumped out of the ground, but Twynk successfully ducked under it – losing tufts of his golden-colored fleece in the process – before resuming his rush. Before the second one could reach him, he jumped on Arjenbark’s body and raised his long tail above him again. Then, he closed his eyes, and listened. Since he rested on top of one of the predators, they couldn’t easily attack from directly underneath him and bite his paws. So, they’d have to leap out like one of them did previously, and the moment they did, he’d have to direct his tail in the right direction and fire. 

...But if they severely wounded his tail, he wouldn’t be able to channel his Pulse properly, and he hadn’t learned to use it without his tail yet.

I know you like your noisy things, Twynki-dearie, and I know you think in your own, special way. But don't get too fond of pandemonium, okay? It may be too hard to manage - and this flock prefers order and calm.

The words of his mother somehow came back to his mind, and Twynk’s smile appeared again. My own, special way. He charged as much Pulse as he could and listened as the wind began to breathe on the battlefield. It gently rustled the crunchy grass, letting them move along with it. Then, the ground beneath it began to rumble softly, as if also accompanying the movement of the wind. The noise then grew more violent.

THERE! Heart pounding, Twynk opened his eyes just as Arjenlok came out of the ground at the same time as Arjenfang, one in front, and the other at Twynk’s back, respectively. The two Taeyen had figured that their prey had only one tail, and couldn’t possibly attack both of them at once, especially if one aimed for the head, and the other, the tail. But Twynk simply zapped Arjenlok in mid-air, then leaped away from Arjenbark’s body, letting Arjenlock continue his trajectory forward. The Taeyen slid on the grassy ground and, right before he could dig underground again, Twynk ran towards him and enrolled his tail around his arm. The surprised cub attempted to break free, but before he could do anything, Twynk channelled his Pulse at the tip of his tail, discharging the energy directly into the Taeyen’s body. 

Just one more...! Twynk turned around and hit then fallen Arjenlok with several others rays until, like Arjenbark, he fell unconscious. Sighing with relief, Twynk turned around again, and time seemed to stop as his gaze met Arjenfang’s. Twynk contemplated the wounded Taeyen: it was trembling, the Pulse’s power having affected his entire body. It likely couldn’t move anymore, but a determined light still rested in his eyes, a fiery will to battle that Twynk found beautiful. It triggered something within him, a flame, a… heat. Something that had laid dormant, but awakened every time he had fought predators – for this wasn’t his first encounter, and likely wouldn’t be his last. 

However, as usual, the exact same thing occurred. 

Twynk let out a chuckle, and it transformed into a loud, uninterrupted laughter. He was simply happy: happy that predators existed, happy to be alive, happy to battle. Twynk gazed at his defeated foe yet again, his white pupils staring silently as he grinned and uttered: “Love you.” A last Pulse ray, and Arjenfang joined the others in their slumber. Twynk looked at them one last time, before rushing back towards the hill he had left to eat his grass. They were about to leave, and Twynk hurriedly reached them, noticing that his mother, a perfect copy of himself with larger features, and softer, curlier fur – a sign that she was a female.

“Where have you been, Twynkie-Dearie?” Twynk’s mother inquired, gazing at her son with half-annoyed, half-worried eyes.

Of course, Twynk’s fur had already turned back to its light brown color, but still look spikier than his mother's. “I met friends!” Twynk exclaimed joyfully. “We rolled around the crunchy grass. They said they came from Arjenla. I didn't know there were black Locksheeps!”

“Oh, yes! There are many other flocks there, more than we can count. But still, be careful with strangers, look at your fleece, it’s all messy now!”

“Mom?” Twynk continued as they followed the flock out of the hill, to wherever their leader led them. “What’s ‘pandemonium?”

“Oh, it means wild and noisy disorder.”

“So, like chaos?”

“Yes! Like chaos. Why do you ask?”

"Well I was thinking about what you said, I wasn't sure I understood well."

"I was just warning you not to get away from the flock too far too often, and not to make too much noise when you're with us. As in, get your Pulse under control - it tends to stop doing that when you're happy."

"Oh, right! But you said I mastered it better because I gave names to my... things!"

Twynk's mother gave her son a knowing look. "You mean, your 'powers'? You've been listening too closely to the tale-tellers, lately, but it does help you focus."

Twynk thought about the way he had defeated Arjenfang. The way his Pulse had been sent directly into the Taeyen's body, paralysing him in place. "...I think I came up with one. Can I call it... Um... Pulse... Impact?"

"Come now, it lacks originality."

"...Energy Impact?"

"Hmm. Try shorter!"

"Ener Impact?"

"Now try changing a letter - whatever sounds better to you."

Twynk frowned, thoughtful. "Aner... Anar... Enel? Enel Impact!"

"Good work, Twynkie-dearie. We'll try coming up with alterations of that name later, okay? It's called 'nomenclature' - I'll explain that later. For now, let's keep following. And no running for crunchy grass for at least a week!"

"'Kay!" Twynk turned his head, gazing at the spot he had abandoned, yonder. “...Mommy?"

"Mm?"

For a split second, his fleece took its golden color again, and white pupils decorated his eyes as his lively grin shone alongside them. "...The chaos thing. I like pandemonium.” Twynk admitted joyfully.


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Sun Jan 21, 2018 3:16 pm
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BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations, Tort!

This is not only my first review of the year, but also my first review this vacation. Scandalous, I know, but at least I'm finally writing one! Hopefully I can be sort of consistent in reviewing again. XD


I'm gonna pick out some of the most bothersome technicalities, while also making suggestions regarding style and vocabulary, where necessary. I'll allow myself to be slightly more pedantic this time, since Buggie and Sheytato both provided solid general commentary.

Legend
Red - Correction
Orange - Suggestion
Green - Addition
Blue - Removal


The grass offered little resistance as it was torn away from its peaceful position, only to enter the innocent mouth of a light brown-fleeced lamb. Said lamb carefully chewed its food, before a tiny frown appeared on its pitch black face.

The first line is cute and interesting, but it bothers me somewhat. You're trying to say the grass seemed peaceful, but was then merciless torn away, yet the perpetrator is an innocent lamb. I understand the need for contrasting imagery, but it feels off. I'd recommend first describing in a sentence or two how the grass makes for an idyllic picture, and then pop the bubble by saying it resisted futilely the appetite of the lamb that grazed on it. I'd also discourage trying to depict Twynk as innocent, since the impression is that he's secretly merciless. (This obviously works well with what you want, but then cease trying to emphasise his cuteness for the best effect.)

I have a couple concerns regarding the phrasing too. Keep in mind that offering "little resistance" means the grass seems to consent to being eaten - you can see the issue. XD And since this is the start of the story and you've only said "a lamb", I suggest replacing "said" with simply "the". I also suggest replacing "before" with "when" (and as a minor technicality, I'm not sure if the comma before "before" needs to be there, but if you replaced it with "when", the comma would indeed be needed).

given that the fleece that covered his back was almost twice bigger than his tiny body

"twice as large/big as his tiny body" or "twice/double the size of his tiny body" is a better way to phrase this part.

Twynk. Move. Near, near. Grass.

Considering that the previous two messages show a colon after Twynk's name, I find it odd that this one doesn't. Also, why did he repeat "near"?

Not too far. Twynk promised. Crunchy grass. Back soon.

If he could say "crunchy" here, why couldn't he say it before? Saying he's going to move closer to grass makes no sense, considering they're already grazing, but if he specified what kind of grass from the start, his intent would have been clearer. And seeing how his messages become more coherent and less staccato towards the end, I question why he had to start so slowly at all. It feels as if he had to "warm up" before being able to speak more fluently.

Twynk walked down the small hill his flock was currently resting on

The end-of-clause preposition aside, if the hill is described as "small", why would Twynk need to reason to signal his flock, seeing as he'd technically be just outside the group. I think you meant "low" instead, since a low hill is only slightly raised, but can still be large.

As he chewed, a distinctive crunchy sound echoed through his teeth, and his long tail began to whip the air above him – a sign that he was pleased.

I understand the sensation you're describing, but your choice of words isn't entirely fitting. For example, when I chew ice, it's jarring and not exactly pleasant, but if I were to chew something softer that was still crunchy, the sound would echo through my mouth. So I suggest choosing to focus on either the teeth shaking or the sound echoing. And even then, I don't think it "echoes", if you consider the meaning of the word.

I have personally been using "started" and "began" less often in my writing, since it makes the writing less concise - the same goes for the passive vs the active voice. Rather say his tail whipped above him, as it's short and expresses what you want anyway; "began to whip" makes it sound as if it's a gradual, continuous action. And saying it "whipped [through] the air" is redundant - the air will be affected regardless of how he does it.

Twynk didn’t know why exactly he liked his crunchy grass so much, but for some reason, he was the only one in the flock that would go so far to get it.

This paragraph strikes me as Twynk not thinking his thought through. If he was the only one who liked the crunchy grass, then the "for some reason" is simply that his flock don't like crunchy grass (keep in mind I don't use "don't like" and "dislike" interchangeably). They don't bother to go that far for it because they don't care. They're uninterested.

Maybe he could learn to spell the word in light rays, too.

While I'm on the topic of the light rays, I have some fridge logic to share with you. If he can spell in this light language, why can't he simply speak fluently? If each words had its own particular flash, that'd be a different story, but since there are letters, this is a variation of Morse code; as far as I know, the navy communicates fluently when relaying messages using it, since it's otherwise unclear.

That's the problem I have here - we have a lack of clarity that could have been resolved had everyone simply communicated fluently. I know you wanted to present it in a certain way, but at the moment, it seems like all the Locksheep are merely too lazy. I mean, you're willing to spell your name correctly, but not use articles, prepositions, or the like? Considering this language uses light rays, I highly doubt adding the other words would extend the time needed to speak.

A cackle suddenly resounded around Twynk’s position. ... The noise alerted the three beasts, who jerked their heads in his direction like a single creature. Their cackling resumed for a short while, until finally, they reached Twynk’s position, encircling him without a word.

I have difficulty understanding the events leading up to this. Hills + tiny pond + two trees = meadows. How, then, can the three Taeyens be completely unaware of the nearby flock of Locksheep? And how can Twynk describe their facial features in great detail, yet they are oblivious of his presence? Moreover, describing them as dots makes it sound like they're far away, which in turn makes his description more incredible. (I mean, a sheep has better sight than a wolf? What?) He even describes their claws, which should be impossible unless it's from up-close.

Furthermore, Twynk really didn't go very far. In fact, his flock should still be within sight, and seeing as there are only two trees beside the pond, there's nothing to obscure his view of them or theirs of his. That means the fight between the Taeyen shouldn't even have happened, since prey animals who gather in numbers do so to prevent this exact scenario. They wouldn't even flee - they'd simply shock the cubs.

The only solution I see to this is if the meadows had been next to a forest, Twynk had entered the forest against his mother's wishes, and had encountered a pond within a glen. This would allow him to see the Taeyen without them seeing him, provided he was downwind of them too.

Finally, they were already heading his way and he had turned back to watch their approach. Not only does this mean Twynk suddenly started grazing in an awkward postion, but the Taeyen's heads also jerked... in the direction they were already facing? And if they're cackling the whole time, then obviously they haven't spoken, so encircling him "without a word" is stating the obvious. If you had meant to say they did it in silence, the cackling, err, then contradicts that.

You have a clear idea of what you want to happen, for which I laud you, but you neglect to consider certain details that interfere with your intended setting.

“We’re not wolves!” one of the cubs shouted angrily. “We’re Taeyen from Arjenla!”

"Yeah, yeah! And we've seen bigger sheep, too!" another one added pridefully.

"And the sheep in Arjenla are black, too!" the third one barked.

I know the Taeyen cubs aren't all that bright, but if they make a fuss about being called by their species name instead of a generalisation, why the hell do they generalise "Locksheep" simply to "sheep"? XD Not only does this imply there are other varieties of sheep, but also other varieties of wolf with "wolf" in the name. (Also, "sheep" is conventionally used as both the singular and plural forms.)

Also, are they, err, trying to insult Twynk by saying they've seen larger, black sheep in Arjenla? And if they have, why don't they know he's a Locksheep immediately? I know they're stupid, but even they can't confuse details like that. And having seen larger Locksheep doesn't even mean anything if they haven't attacked them - their travelling on their own and being unable to identify his species implies they haven't even assisted or learned from a larger pack attacking the flock.

The Locksheep = Mareep is okay so far, but the Taeyen = Pooch-/Mightyena is impossible for me to ignore, since I know the inspiration behind this. XD

Evidently, the poor cub had little to no experience dealing with a Locksheep

No fracking DUH. XD the reader is painfully aware of it by now, so I recommend rather having Twynk be disappointed and then explain. That way, it'll be more like, "If only they had known..." than "They must not know", which would fit his personality better in the process. I didn't quote the rest of the text, but you would have to change more than just what I have here.

Twynk frowned, but turned his eyes back on Arjenlok, who was suddenly much closer than he previously was.

For all Twynk's cleverness, how does he not know not to turn your back on an enemy??? I mean, the Taeyen approaches, he looks away, looks back, and oh, the Taeyen is closer! How did that happen? Hmm...

A sudden Pulse ray hit Arjenfang’s mouth, preventing it to finish his sentence.

So, err, the mouth doesn't finish the sentence; the person speaking does. Even so, I needed to reread the sentence a few times before I realised that's what you meant. It's much simpler and less confusing to say it hit his mouth, interrupting him.

"Come now, it lacks originality."

"...Energy Impact?"

"Hmm. Try shorter!"

"Ener Impact?"

"Now try changing a letter - whatever sounds better to you."

Twynk frowned, thoughtful. "Aner... Anar... Enel? Enel Impact!"

"Good work, Twynkie-dearie. We'll try coming up with alterations of that name later, okay? It's called 'nomenclature' - I'll explain that later. For now, let's keep following. And no running for crunchy grass for at least a week!"

I love this exhange, but when Twynk's mother recommends he change a letter, it sounds like she suggests it literally just for the sake of it. Like: "1. Find an original name; 2. shorten it; 3. change a letter or two." If this is the case, then I guess you're fine, but it sounds almost as if she's coaching him to find the correct answer to a question she's had to answer herself before, i.e., it sounds as if she had "Enel Impact" in mind and guided him towards it.

"...The chaos thing. I like pandemonium.” Twynk admitted joyfully.

In scenarios like these, where a character admits to something, I prefer to add a "do" (with or without italics, depending on your preference or level of emphasis). Otherwise, it sounds like he's stating it for the first time, rather than confirming his mother's suspicion.


...Now I remember why I got burned out by reviewing. XD Still, I felt like all my points were significant, so I was obliged to comment on them. Anyway, all of those offer criticism, but I need to emphasise that's simply because the point of my reviews is to offer positive critiques. Having said that, I did quite enjoy this chapter.

Having the Locksheep communicate via rays of light is a fascinating idea. I believe I still remember the relevance of the lock from when you explained it, so overall, you integrated your ideas quite well for this species. Discovering the lore behind it will be entertaining indeed. The Taeyen are less interesting, but the digging was definitely unexpected. How do they sense where their prey is if it isn't moving? How do they sense anything while underground at all? And do their tunnels remain open, thereby displacing ground and leaving clues for their prey to use, or do the tunnels collapse behind them?

Twynk's casual frustration when the Taeyen won't share their names - which he considers a reasonable demand - is adorable. Similarly adorable is how he chooses to name them exactly when they expect a response from him. I know you want him to appear terrifying, creepy or the like, but the execution focuses too much on how cute he is. I suggest finding ways to indicate, even to the reader, how uncanny and abnormal his behaviour is. Even his supposedly maniacal laughter seems more like an act the child is pulling to entertain his audience, who would go, "Aww, that's so cute! Isn't he an adorable little villain?"

As for the battle itself, that was well-written. Though not particularly eventful, you kept it interesting by including Twynk's thoughts and reasoning. He's overconfident, though, so he can be glad the Taeyen cubs had practically no experience outside playfighting. He's observant, but lacks discipline. Of course, he's still a child, so all of that is justified, but it'd be remiss not to point out what happens to little boys who play with fire (and I don't mean they burn the house down because they're psychopaths XD). While his excitement upon identifying the Taeyen's tactics is hilarious, it would be less hilarious if that happened in future and he was caught by surprise. Luckily, the more powerful enemies only come later.

All in all, a very amusing first chapter! I believe it would pique the curiosity of any reader and encourage them to continue. I look forward to the next one! May it not take me forever to review it after you've published it... >_>




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Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:39 pm
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sheysse wrote a review...



Hey Tort! Shey here for that promised review!

Admittedly, I'm not the best at reviewing chapters, since I haven't had much practice, but we'll see where this goes.

I really loved the fight sequences. They were really great to read, especially for someone who has a harder time visualizing what he reads. I could easily keep up with them, which is unsurprising, since you definitely have a knack for action scenes. In addition to the well-written action scenes, Twynk's personality made it all the more entertaining. He was peppy and cheery, despite being outsized and outnumbered. Actually, Twynk's personality made me laugh throughout the entire chapter. He's quirky, not that I'm surprised one of your characters is quirky. In aware you've written with him before, and it shows. You clearly have a grasp on the characters.

For suggestions: Twynk is really good at fighting. He took out three much larger enemies with little difficulty, yet his mother seems to prefer avoiding combat. (The mother is great, by the way). Therefore, I can't imagine he learned to fight from his mother, so where did he learn? Is he a natural? Is his mother actually a great combatant, and taught him? Did he learn it from some unintroduced/deceased character? I look forward to seeing that explored in future chapters.

I also want to know where he got his personality. His mother is a pretty normal character (or so it seems), which leads me to believe that he had some interaction with another, similarly crazy character. I find it difficult to believe he just happens to be that way, without any form of outside involvement partaking in his personality's creation.

Overall, this was a fun, quirky, engaging read to start what I think will be a novel with all the same characteristics. I specifically didn't read the notes you put in the club, at least not yet, so that I could read and review from the perspective of someone who just picked up this chapter without any outside information.

Anyways, keep up the great work, as always!

~Shey~




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Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:32 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



To be fair to Twynk, herbivorous teeth are in fact designed for crushing. Carnivorous teeth are designed for tearing.

I've changed the review scheme a little bit since I last got to Muster Heroes, but it's not a big change.

Technical Comments:

1. Little thing: when you do dialogue tags (eg, adding "Twynk said" or "Twynk admitted" to the end of the bit in quotations), and your in-dialogue punctuation is not a question mark or an exclamation mark, you want to switch that period to a comma. You still make perfect sense using periods, but it's just a little convention thing.

2. There are some action paragraphs that are absolutely huge in here. You may want to break them up, just so people don't get lost when they're clipping along through all the action.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. Man, only you would frame a fight scene quite like this one. I can't tell yet if this fight is just meant to be an introduction to Twynk's character, a catalyst for his development, and/or a lead-in to the main plot, and that's largely because of the way it's juxtaposed between these two calmer bits, both of which seem to focus on Twynk's relation to his society and not to the antagonists.

I like it, mind you, because this sort of introduction is both exciting and leaves a lot of room for where the plot might go, but it's also important to establish a direction early on.

2. Uhh... I'm always a bit at a loss with how to approach the characterization of your more zany characters, but it's good to get such an easy read of Twynk's (and his mother's) personality. The contrast is fun, and it's honestly really refreshing to see a parent character who encourages their child in the weirder parts of their personality.

3. Along that line, I'm really glad you portray Twynk's mother the way you do. There aren't enough confident supporting parents in literature, and seeing the way the two interact was a total breath of fresh air. I'm eager to see them mix with the rest of the flock now, to see how the dynamic changes when societal pressure is added to the equation.

And I think I'll stop there? Gotta save some comments for the next time I review this piece. Make sure to tag me, or mention that you've updated in the group chat.

Until next time! I look forward to seeing what you have planned for this!
-Buggie




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Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:15 am
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sheysse says...



Ahhh, Twynk is so cute! Finally I read a story of his. I'm going to try and review this, when the opportunity arises.




TinkerTwaggy says...


...And I see the curse of my Twynk series continues - the Fluff factor overshadows the Fear factor. Hmm. I have to work on switching these together whenever I see fit.

Thank you, m'dear! Glad you liked what you read.



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Fri Dec 29, 2017 11:39 pm
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Ventomology says...



Omg you're back! I'm hitting this with a review as soon as I finish with one of Fox's pieces that I've got lined up.

Jumps up and down and shrieks.




TinkerTwaggy says...


You do that, m'dear! Glad to have you back in the Reviewing business for my little pieces of work <3



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Fri Dec 29, 2017 9:19 pm
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Poopsie says...



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TWINKIEL'S BAACCKKKK




TinkerTwaggy says...


Youuuuuuuuuuuu're welcome!



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Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:01 pm
zaminami says...



@DarkPandemonium as soon as i saw that title i thought of you




Panikos says...


Ohohohoh



TinkerTwaggy says...


Which is understandable, to be fair, though I'm surprised you'd comment on this work just for that.

The power of association, I suppose



zaminami says...


XD




"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery