Salutations, Tort!
This is not only my first review of the year, but also my first review this vacation. Scandalous, I know, but at least I'm finally writing one! Hopefully I can be sort of consistent in reviewing again. XD
I'm gonna pick out some of the most bothersome technicalities, while also making suggestions regarding style and vocabulary, where necessary. I'll allow myself to be slightly more pedantic this time, since Buggie and Sheytato both provided solid general commentary.
Legend
Red - Correction
Orange - Suggestion
Green - Addition
Blue - Removal
The grass offered little resistance as it was torn away from its peaceful position, only to enter the innocent mouth of a light brown-fleeced lamb. Said lamb carefully chewed its food, before a tiny frown appeared on its pitch black face.
The first line is cute and interesting, but it bothers me somewhat. You're trying to say the grass seemed peaceful, but was then merciless torn away, yet the perpetrator is an innocent lamb. I understand the need for contrasting imagery, but it feels off. I'd recommend first describing in a sentence or two how the grass makes for an idyllic picture, and then pop the bubble by saying it resisted futilely the appetite of the lamb that grazed on it. I'd also discourage trying to depict Twynk as innocent, since the impression is that he's secretly merciless. (This obviously works well with what you want, but then cease trying to emphasise his cuteness for the best effect.)
I have a couple concerns regarding the phrasing too. Keep in mind that offering "little resistance" means the grass seems to consent to being eaten - you can see the issue. XD And since this is the start of the story and you've only said "a lamb", I suggest replacing "said" with simply "the". I also suggest replacing "before" with "when" (and as a minor technicality, I'm not sure if the comma before "before" needs to be there, but if you replaced it with "when", the comma would indeed be needed).
given that the fleece that covered his back was almost twice bigger than his tiny body
"twice as large/big as his tiny body" or "twice/double the size of his tiny body" is a better way to phrase this part.
Twynk. Move. Near, near. Grass.
Considering that the previous two messages show a colon after Twynk's name, I find it odd that this one doesn't. Also, why did he repeat "near"?
Not too far. Twynk promised. Crunchy grass. Back soon.
If he could say "crunchy" here, why couldn't he say it before? Saying he's going to move closer to grass makes no sense, considering they're already grazing, but if he specified what kind of grass from the start, his intent would have been clearer. And seeing how his messages become more coherent and less staccato towards the end, I question why he had to start so slowly at all. It feels as if he had to "warm up" before being able to speak more fluently.
Twynk walked down the small hill his flock was currently resting on
The end-of-clause preposition aside, if the hill is described as "small", why would Twynk need to reason to signal his flock, seeing as he'd technically be just outside the group. I think you meant "low" instead, since a low hill is only slightly raised, but can still be large.
As he chewed, a distinctive crunchy sound echoed through his teeth, and his long tail began to whip the air above him – a sign that he was pleased.
I understand the sensation you're describing, but your choice of words isn't entirely fitting. For example, when I chew ice, it's jarring and not exactly pleasant, but if I were to chew something softer that was still crunchy, the sound would echo through my mouth. So I suggest choosing to focus on either the teeth shaking or the sound echoing. And even then, I don't think it "echoes", if you consider the meaning of the word.
I have personally been using "started" and "began" less often in my writing, since it makes the writing less concise - the same goes for the passive vs the active voice. Rather say his tail whipped above him, as it's short and expresses what you want anyway; "began to whip" makes it sound as if it's a gradual, continuous action. And saying it "whipped [through] the air" is redundant - the air will be affected regardless of how he does it.
Twynk didn’t know why exactly he liked his crunchy grass so much, but for some reason, he was the only one in the flock that would go so far to get it.
This paragraph strikes me as Twynk not thinking his thought through. If he was the only one who liked the crunchy grass, then the "for some reason" is simply that his flock don't like crunchy grass (keep in mind I don't use "don't like" and "dislike" interchangeably). They don't bother to go that far for it because they don't care. They're uninterested.
Maybe he could learn to spell the word in light rays, too.
While I'm on the topic of the light rays, I have some fridge logic to share with you. If he can spell in this light language, why can't he simply speak fluently? If each words had its own particular flash, that'd be a different story, but since there are letters, this is a variation of Morse code; as far as I know, the navy communicates fluently when relaying messages using it, since it's otherwise unclear.
That's the problem I have here - we have a lack of clarity that could have been resolved had everyone simply communicated fluently. I know you wanted to present it in a certain way, but at the moment, it seems like all the Locksheep are merely too lazy. I mean, you're willing to spell your name correctly, but not use articles, prepositions, or the like? Considering this language uses light rays, I highly doubt adding the other words would extend the time needed to speak.
A cackle suddenly resounded around Twynk’s position. ... The noise alerted the three beasts, who jerked their heads in his direction like a single creature. Their cackling resumed for a short while, until finally, they reached Twynk’s position, encircling him without a word.
I have difficulty understanding the events leading up to this. Hills + tiny pond + two trees = meadows. How, then, can the three Taeyens be completely unaware of the nearby flock of Locksheep? And how can Twynk describe their facial features in great detail, yet they are oblivious of his presence? Moreover, describing them as dots makes it sound like they're far away, which in turn makes his description more incredible. (I mean, a sheep has better sight than a wolf? What?) He even describes their claws, which should be impossible unless it's from up-close.
Furthermore, Twynk really didn't go very far. In fact, his flock should still be within sight, and seeing as there are only two trees beside the pond, there's nothing to obscure his view of them or theirs of his. That means the fight between the Taeyen shouldn't even have happened, since prey animals who gather in numbers do so to prevent this exact scenario. They wouldn't even flee - they'd simply shock the cubs.
The only solution I see to this is if the meadows had been next to a forest, Twynk had entered the forest against his mother's wishes, and had encountered a pond within a glen. This would allow him to see the Taeyen without them seeing him, provided he was downwind of them too.
Finally, they were already heading his way and he had turned back to watch their approach. Not only does this mean Twynk suddenly started grazing in an awkward postion, but the Taeyen's heads also jerked... in the direction they were already facing? And if they're cackling the whole time, then obviously they haven't spoken, so encircling him "without a word" is stating the obvious. If you had meant to say they did it in silence, the cackling, err, then contradicts that.
You have a clear idea of what you want to happen, for which I laud you, but you neglect to consider certain details that interfere with your intended setting.
“We’re not wolves!” one of the cubs shouted angrily. “We’re Taeyen from Arjenla!”
"Yeah, yeah! And we've seen bigger sheep, too!" another one added pridefully.
"And the sheep in Arjenla are black, too!" the third one barked.
I know the Taeyen cubs aren't all that bright, but if they make a fuss about being called by their species name instead of a generalisation, why the hell do they generalise "Locksheep" simply to "sheep"? XD Not only does this imply there are other varieties of sheep, but also other varieties of wolf with "wolf" in the name. (Also, "sheep" is conventionally used as both the singular and plural forms.)
Also, are they, err, trying to insult Twynk by saying they've seen larger, black sheep in Arjenla? And if they have, why don't they know he's a Locksheep immediately? I know they're stupid, but even they can't confuse details like that. And having seen larger Locksheep doesn't even mean anything if they haven't attacked them - their travelling on their own and being unable to identify his species implies they haven't even assisted or learned from a larger pack attacking the flock.
Evidently, the poor cub had little to no experience dealing with a Locksheep
No fracking DUH. XD the reader is painfully aware of it by now, so I recommend rather having Twynk be disappointed and then explain. That way, it'll be more like, "If only they had known..." than "They must not know", which would fit his personality better in the process. I didn't quote the rest of the text, but you would have to change more than just what I have here.
Twynk frowned, but turned his eyes back on Arjenlok, who was suddenly much closer than he previously was.
For all Twynk's cleverness, how does he not know not to turn your back on an enemy??? I mean, the Taeyen approaches, he looks away, looks back, and oh, the Taeyen is closer! How did that happen? Hmm...
A sudden Pulse ray hit Arjenfang’s mouth, preventing it to finish his sentence.
So, err, the mouth doesn't finish the sentence; the person speaking does. Even so, I needed to reread the sentence a few times before I realised that's what you meant. It's much simpler and less confusing to say it hit his mouth, interrupting him.
"Come now, it lacks originality."
"...Energy Impact?"
"Hmm. Try shorter!"
"Ener Impact?"
"Now try changing a letter - whatever sounds better to you."
Twynk frowned, thoughtful. "Aner... Anar... Enel? Enel Impact!"
"Good work, Twynkie-dearie. We'll try coming up with alterations of that name later, okay? It's called 'nomenclature' - I'll explain that later. For now, let's keep following. And no running for crunchy grass for at least a week!"
I love this exhange, but when Twynk's mother recommends he change a letter, it sounds like she suggests it literally just for the sake of it. Like: "1. Find an original name; 2. shorten it; 3. change a letter or two." If this is the case, then I guess you're fine, but it sounds almost as if she's coaching him to find the correct answer to a question she's had to answer herself before, i.e., it sounds as if she had "Enel Impact" in mind and guided him towards it.
"...The chaos thing. I like pandemonium.” Twynk admitted joyfully.
In scenarios like these, where a character admits to something, I prefer to add a "do" (with or without italics, depending on your preference or level of emphasis). Otherwise, it sounds like he's stating it for the first time, rather than confirming his mother's suspicion.
...Now I remember why I got burned out by reviewing. XD Still, I felt like all my points were significant, so I was obliged to comment on them. Anyway, all of those offer criticism, but I need to emphasise that's simply because the point of my reviews is to offer positive critiques. Having said that, I did quite enjoy this chapter.
Having the Locksheep communicate via rays of light is a fascinating idea. I believe I still remember the relevance of the lock from when you explained it, so overall, you integrated your ideas quite well for this species. Discovering the lore behind it will be entertaining indeed. The Taeyen are less interesting, but the digging was definitely unexpected. How do they sense where their prey is if it isn't moving? How do they sense anything while underground at all? And do their tunnels remain open, thereby displacing ground and leaving clues for their prey to use, or do the tunnels collapse behind them?
Twynk's casual frustration when the Taeyen won't share their names - which he considers a reasonable demand - is adorable. Similarly adorable is how he chooses to name them exactly when they expect a response from him. I know you want him to appear terrifying, creepy or the like, but the execution focuses too much on how cute he is. I suggest finding ways to indicate, even to the reader, how uncanny and abnormal his behaviour is. Even his supposedly maniacal laughter seems more like an act the child is pulling to entertain his audience, who would go, "Aww, that's so cute! Isn't he an adorable little villain?"
As for the battle itself, that was well-written. Though not particularly eventful, you kept it interesting by including Twynk's thoughts and reasoning. He's overconfident, though, so he can be glad the Taeyen cubs had practically no experience outside playfighting. He's observant, but lacks discipline. Of course, he's still a child, so all of that is justified, but it'd be remiss not to point out what happens to little boys who play with fire (and I don't mean they burn the house down because they're psychopaths XD). While his excitement upon identifying the Taeyen's tactics is hilarious, it would be less hilarious if that happened in future and he was caught by surprise. Luckily, the more powerful enemies only come later.
All in all, a very amusing first chapter! I believe it would pique the curiosity of any reader and encourage them to continue. I look forward to the next one!
Points: 17344
Reviews: 293
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