z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Muster Heroes – Quicksave 17

by TinkerTwaggy


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Digested?! The Trial of Acid begins

“The creative freedom entertainment allows us to use is something that I believe is thrilling. I assume I'm especially interested in this aspect of things because I'm a writer at heart, but really, I am grateful to Mr.Raikanj thought about adding cleverly-placed cultural references everywhere. I didn't expect I'd do that in a video game, but I certainly don't mind. New experiences are also thrilling to me, after all. Most of us at ThirdEye are fans of innovations, anyway – not that Muster Heroes is the only project that uses it, of course.”

Meredith J. Leek, Storyboard Artist of Project: Muster Heroes

The words “Digestion in progress” danced in front of Fulguro as he spiraled down a curvy arm of the massive galaxy that appeared far below his feet. Through his amazement, Fulguro's brain informed him that he was most certainly experiencing the loading screen of Muster Heroes, and that the words “Digestion in progress” were probably a humorous way to remind the players that they had just let themselves be eaten by a giant crocodile.

Probably the same guys who programmed that bird. Fulguro thought to himself, grinning as he remembered his battle against Carnat and Azuria's pets. Gazing around him, he realized that the entire background was similar to a bright and starry sky, the entire scene strangely lit with light shades of green. It became more apparent when Fulguro fell closer to the galaxy's core, where he could easily guess that the next map would pop up.

Loading Complete! Welcome to The Labyrinthine Innards!

A green light engulfed Fulguro and he was instantly transported to a new location. Opening his eyes, he scanned the area around him, which looked like a dark cave filled with gargantuan-sized ropes coming out of reddish pink-colored walls. Even the ground Fulguro was standing on had the same strange coloration, which gave it a repulsive organic look.

“Okay, so this place looks disgusting, even for me.” Kamikaz's voice suddenly exclaimed in the distance. Fulguro ran towards the voice and found his nine comrades a few meters away from his position. They had already started moving, leaving two strange coffins laying on the ground behind them.

“Are those Carnat and Azuria's?” Fulguro asked them, pointing at the Iron Maidens.

“They are.” Morkant confirmed, his candle-like flaming white hair enlightening the place as he walked around. “They told us they weren't gonna deal with anything that's in there. Can't blame 'em, heh. Oh, and they also told us that Bygorn had come here several times and was preparing some sort of surprise. So I think he didn't give us every single details about this place.” he pointed a gloved finger on Exceedjinn. “No thanks to Sir Sadist over there.”

“I have already apologized.” Exceedjinn said, waving his staff with embarrassment. “Now you know that pseudo-blackmail or well-placed mockery are usually the roads I walk on when locked in verbal combat. And you could say that Bygorn was a bit too annoying for my taste.”

“Just teasin', big guy.” Morkant assured. “You totally destroyed him anyways, so kudos for that.”

“Well, I wasn't alone. I would still commend Sheenobi for her move.” Exceedjinn humbly declared. “If it wasn't for her, maybe things wouldn't have gone so well.”

“Well you're just way too mean, I think.” Sheenobi replied, a shy smile on the face. “But thanks.”

“About what Sheenobi did!” Fulguro interrupted. “I think it actually helped a lot more than expected, because Bygorn told me that we were gonna fight a boss!”

“AH!” TriggerZ shouted. “Friggin' knew this was too easy!”

Mettrick showed a satisfied grin to Kamikaz. To his surprise, she blatantly ignored it.

“He didn't tell me what kind of boss, though.” Fulguro continued. “He just told me to be careful not to be digested, because he was preparing 'something' inside Handbagg.”

“Wha wha whaaaa?!” Diabolsaur exclaimed, panicked. “But the message in the loading screen clearly said that the digestion was in progress! So we're already done for?!”

“Dude, that was just the devs messing around with us.” Yatsu intervened, turning his masked face towards Diabolsaur. “I'm pretty sure we'll have a lot of other weird stuff like that, and death traps along the way. Just sayin'.”

“That's not very reassuring...” Diabolsaur insisted.

“Probably 'cause anythin' this guy says sounds creepier with that scary mask constantly starin' at us.” TriggerZ commented.

Yatsu rolled his eyes – though nobody could see it. “Says the totally not scary cowboy who destroys pirates with a machine gun...” he muttered.

“We already know what kind of boss it is though.” Mettrick declared, jumping back into the main subject. “It's like in Curse of the Scaly Eater. We're inside the stomach of the giant crocodile, so–”

“Awesome, well let's shove our fists up its slimy butt!” Kamikaz interrupted before pulling out her oversized trident. “Maskreep, Diab, you're with me?”

“One, stop calling me that.” Yatsu immediately replied. “And two, why us?”

“How do you know the boss of Labyrinthine Innards has a slimy butt?” Diabolsaur asked instead, raising his hand like an obedient pupil.

Kamikaz shrugged. “Gut feeling.” she declared pridefully, ignoring the complete lack of laughter after her bad pun. “Comin' or what?”

“You didn't answer my question!” Yatsu exclaimed.

Kamikaz raised an eyebrow. “Because, silly. You're a scout, just like I am. You've got a healing spell, and you're already familiar with this Curse of the Scaly Eater tale, so you'll fill us in as we run.” she pointed her trident at Diabolsaur. “This guy loves fighting, and he'll cover our butts when we destroy butts of our own. Which is his job, since he's part of the rear wave. That way, you, Maskreep, fill us in in what boss we'll fight, you heal us if we need to come back to the main group, and Diab helps me clean the field while the others come with a decent plan. Then they join us. There, happy?”

Everyone stared at Kamikaz for several seconds, amazed – like every time she wasn't acting talking about fighting or murdering something, which appeared to be rare. Yatsu gazed at Mettrick. “Okay, so, you told her your plan thing again, right?” he asked. But Mettrick was just as appalled as he was.

“He didn't need to.” Kamikaz intervened. She locked her gaze on Mettrick. “I know it by heart.” With a dramatic movement of her arm, Kamikaz turned back, enjoying the wooshing sound of her cape as she faced the peculiar, cave-like landscape before her. Diabolsaur ran by her side, happy as could be.

“Joining!” Diabolsaur shouted. “Let's explore this place and beat up some baddies!”

“Yeah, not joining.” Yatsu said, crossing his arms. “Could you please just stop always wanting to rush ahead? I don't even remember the tale that much, and Mettrick does, so let's just listen to the darn strategist and move as a group! It's safer!”

Kamikaz clenched her fists, visibly annoyed. “I'm more useful on the field than behind a stupid desk.” she muttered.

“Hey, it's my desk we're talking about here!” Mettrick intervened, frowning. “And it might just save your life, you know! You kinda died last time you ran off on your own. I don't exactly want that happening again.”

Kamikaz's grip tightened even more around her trident. “Okay, just explain whatever thing you're gonna come up with and let me go. Come on. Now. Do it.”

Still frowning, Mettrick obliged, once again facing the players around him. Speaking to the entire class felt much easier now that it did back on the Noah's Saloon – that, and Mettrick was more worried about Kamikaz's strange behavior rather than his issues with public speeches.

“So if I remember well,” Mettrick began, “there's some sort of magic sphere at the center of the crocodile's stomach. And like, the hero of the story has to get himself eaten and stab the sphere to kill the crocodile and make him vomit everything he's ever eaten thanks to his power. People from the guy's village, treasures, sacred relics, all that stuff. I don't know if the same thing's gonna happen here, but I remember something about the guy fending off thousands of smaller versions of the crocodile.”

“So these little crocodiles are like digestive cells?” Fulguro inquired. “If he gets bitten too much, he'll collapse and they'll eat him?”

Mettrick nodded in approval. “Yeah. That's exactly that. The guy uses items and weapons lying around to protect himself and outsmart the cells until he reaches the center of the stomach. Then he has to pass through a final wave of crocodiles, and he stabs the core.”

“Hmm… I believe this is all we needed to hear.” Exceedjinn said, nodding to himself. “A swarm of wave means that we're most likely to fight against a Boss that manipulate minions. In other words, a Marabunta Style, either from the Anthrofys or Exogin Class.”

“Not to mention certain Skills that are unique to that Boss.” Morkant added. “No matter what its Class and Style are, we still don't exactly know what it's capable of. The sphere itself, I mean. I guess it can do more than just send wave after wave of minions at us, right?”

“I don't think it can.” Mettrick objected, frowning. “And frankly, I don't think it needs to.”

“Oh, yeah!” Yatsu suddenly exclaimed, snapping his fingers. “You're right! These crocodiles are nasty! I think there was like… Two full pages describing the horrors the guy had to dodge just to get to the core. Like, some crocodiles had corrosive bites that melted everything they touched, others would just set on fire and run after him, others could fly above the ground, and others directly came from under his feet.”

“Yeah!” Mettrick added, also remembering more bits of the tale. “And there's even that part where he looks at the ground, because teeth are coming out of it and if he steps in a jaw, it closes like a bear trap and catches his feet!”

“Wait, so… that thing's minions all look the same but have totally different abilities?” TriggerZ exclaimed. “Don't freakin' tell me we have to recognize them on the spot!”

“We probably have to, though.” Morkant announced in a gloomy tone. “which means that we'll have to keep that communication window in our menu open at all times. We're dead if we can't cooperate just as well as these things can.”

“You want us to cooperate as well as a super organism?” Yatsu giggled. “Yeah, not happening.”

“But as long as we trigger the waves one by one before they do anything too dangerous, we should be fine.” Mettrick assured. “Since we voted for my plan over Exceedjinn's, I guess now's the time to use it. Oh and speaking of that, um, Exceed? I… I know you said there was… no need for courtesy, but… Well, if we're being overpowered, I think it would be better to switch to your human tank thing.”

Exceedjinn nodded. “Though we cannot efficiently combined our strategies, switching between them might indeed be the best way to go – after all, our current situation is much different from what we had originally expected.”

“Yeah, but we might still have field traps, like Mettrick mentioned last time.” Fulguro intervened. “So we should totally use Mettrick's thing first. I'd feel safer warning you guys about anything instead of having all of us slowly walking into a bottomless pit.”

Aside for J – impassive as usual – and Kamikaz – who was apparently sulking – every player agreed to Fulguro's words, and they decided to spend several more minutes talking about their roles and placements. Once the strategic preparations were finally over, the players placed themselves according to what they had discussed.

As the scouts tasked with the exploration of the place, Kamikaz, Fulguro, Yatsu and J formed the first line. Behind them was the middle front, composed of Mettrick, Morkant and TriggerZ. The squad was tasked with protecting both the scouts and the rear front, whenever the former had to retreat or the latter was attacked by surprise. Then came the rear front itself, composed of Exceedjinn, Sheenobi and Diabolsaur. Though both Exceedjinn's and Sheenobi's roles were to support the middle front and retreating scouts with their various supportive spells, Diabolsaur was a special case, since his Oil Slime allowed him to rapidly catch up with any scout or member of the middle front to help them out with his Martial Artist abilities.

“Alright!” Mettrick exclaimed. “Are we all ready?” the boy couldn't help but look at Kamikaz, as he expected her to shout out her usual remarks about future killing sprees. But she was as silent as J, and needless to say, it was an unusual sight to behold.

“Ready when you are, guys!” TriggerZ exclaimed, unaware of Mettrick's silent concerns.

“Well let's not waste anymore time, then.” Morkant intervened, a tiny grin stuck on the face. “I'm looking forward to the challenges ahead of us.”

“Yup! Time to run like the wind!” Fulguro added joyfully. Joining words with action, he rushed forward, with the rest of the scouts following suit.

******

At first, running through the Labyrinthine Innards felt like nothing less than a cake walk for the speedy scouts.

They had easily distanced themselves from the rest of Team Daemorph and were progressing without disturbance, aside from the occasional breath-like sounds they could hear resonating inside of the cave. It always announced a shift of environment, usually taking the shape of bottomless pits appearing on the spongy ground below, gushes of steam that could temporarily blind the players or burn them if they weren’t careful, or even giant strings of organs coming out of the walls and ceiling that could potentially impale them. There were even pebble-sized spheres of light that approached them in an attempt to slowly steal their health points. But, helped by their movement speed and experience in navigating through hostile environments, the players didn’t suffer much from the traps – aside Yatsu, who almost fell through a hole after fending off some Bsorbees, as the little enemies were strangely named – and proceeded to warn their teammates of all the dangers they had to expect ahead. Gazing at his comrades' health bars and then his own, Fulguro thought that they were doing really well for now, and that things would certainly get worse in the following seconds after the last Bsorbees and field traps had disappeared from their sight. After all, an open field following one full of traps was a bad omen in video games, as it usually foreshadowed the immediate appearance of a powerful foe, or a set of traps even deadlier than the previous one.

Naturally, Fulguro was right.

As the players silently pressed on, the landscape around them turned from its organic-like reddish pink color to a much more threatening dark blue. On top of that, the breathing sound they had grown accustomed to hear around them intensified, becoming almost deafening to their ears.

“You guys can hear that too, right?” Yatsu asked, glancing at a transparent square on his side.

Hear what?” Mettrick exclaimed in the communication screen they all shared. “The breathing thing?

“It’s getting faster and louder on our side.” Fulguro confirmed, joining the conversation. “I think trouble’s on our way. Probably the–”

A haunting howl followed by distinct rasping sounds suddenly invaded the air, interrupting the chatting players.

“Okay, so you heard that, right?” Yatsu whispered.

Scouts, this is Exceedjinn.” Exceedjinn’s voice exclaimed through the communication window. “I apologize for taking the infamous role of Captain Obvious this time, but it sounds like the swarms of crocodiles are coming your way. Listen well: they might have a similar pattern to either Irvin Squaldon’s DoomSharks, or his pet’s Sniffers.

Yatsu frowned behind his mask. “Meaning?”

Um, for the iguana Rustlynn, she could merge with one of the Sniffer and control them all via a Marabunta effect.” Sheenobi intervened. “That’s what Exceed meant, I think.

And Irvin’s DoomSharks moved as separated yet numerous swarms going in all directions.” Exceedjinn continued. “So prepare yourselves for a divided swarm that you have to dodge at all costs, or a grouped assault that you will have to evade and eventually counter. Preferably with something big.

“We have that.” Fulguro assured, glancing at Kamikaz. “Thanks for the tip. We’re going in now.”

Good luck.

“Okay guys, I got an idea.” Fulguro said, gazing at the rest of the scouts. to. “I’m gonna run ahead of you guys to build up speed and distract whatever comes our way. If it’s something I can beat, I'll come back to you. If it's something we can dodge, I’ll tell you about it, so watch out for the pattern. But if it’s a big thing, then we’re counting on your Devil’s Breeze, Kaz.”

Kamikaz finally snapped out of her passive behavior and flashed a sadistic grin. “Nah, I’ll save that one for the big boss himself.” she said in a confident tone. “I’ve got even better if we get to deal with a big swarm thingy.”

Fulguro nodded then gazed at Yatsu and J – Jolta, he corrected mentally.

“I’d prefer if one of you came along.” Fulguro continued. “Just so I don’t waste all my SPs by myself.”

“I’m coming.” Jolta immediately spat in her usual aggressive tone. “I can run just as fast as you can. And I’ve got something to test. You know what I’m talking about. Let’s go.”

Yatsu shrugged. “I wanted to stay behind and play the support guy anyways. Good luck, you two!” He waved as Fulguro knelt on the ground, taking a sprinter’s stance. He glanced at Jolta and moved his finger, closing the communication screen in the process. Then he let a smile grow on his face as as familiar crackling jolts appeared all around his dark blue armor, which began glowing. Next to him, Jolta bent her knees, extended her left arm and began spinning around. An orange aura surrounded her, and once the friction below her feet was great enough to create small flames, she finally stopped, her left arm gripping her rapier.

“Let’s run.” Fulguro said, smiling in anticipation.

“Let’s.” was Jolta’s immediate answer.

Phantom Thunder! Execute!

Fiery Twirl! Execute!

Fulguro vanished from everyone's sight and reappeared several meters away, running as fast as he could. For several seconds, he looked as if stretching to impossible proportions before his movements finally stabilized – but even then, the impossibly horizontal curve of his body was hard to keep an eye on as he ran through the next level of the Labyrinthine Innards. Next to him, Jolta had nothing to envy from his performance: she was leaping forward like a lightly-armored cheetah darting at full speed, leaving a trail of fiery smoke behind her as her feet silently pressed forward, barely touching the ground.

“Having fun yet?” Fulguro asked as he kept running, glancing at Jolta.

“Trouble dead ahead.” Jolta replied, as emotionless as ever. “Watch yourself, Thunder Boy.”

“Can I at least take that as a yes?”

They both leaped forward, just as several jaws closed themselves below them. Once their feet back on the ground, they moved to the side, taking opposite directions to dodge another series of jaws coming from down below.

“I'm all about agility and speed.” Jolta declared, glancing at Fulguro. “You said that yourself. So you answered your question long before even asking it. Don't ask questions you don't need to ask. It's annoying.”

“Well it fits me, since you said I was more annoying than people.” Fulguro answered, chuckling lightly. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay. Oh, and uh, what should we do about them?” he pointed at a swarm of smaller versions of Handbagg running their way, their jaws opening and closing with an incessant clicking noise.

“Another useless question.” Jolta remarked, swinging her rapier with irritation. “I have some stuff to test. You're covering me. So we're kicking their asses.”

“Again.” Fulguro repeated, putting himself in battle stance. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay, Fox Lady.”

“Mm.”

Equip: Alchemy Powder Pots!

A belt on which rested four colored bottles appeared around Jolta's waist as she gazed at her menu.

“Thunder Boy.” she called. “I got a Unique Skill when I equipped this thing.”

“Really? That's neat! What's it about?”

“A variation of my Fiery Twirl. But with the Powder Pots. Alchemy Twirl.” Jolta raised her head, glancing at Fulguro. “I need a moment to make sure I can make it work.”

Fulguro flashed a thumbs up. “You got it! Leave that first wave to me!”

“I'll tag in soon enough.”

Fulguro nodded and approached the swarming crocodiles that were still moving their way. They were much slower than anticipated, but Fulguro certainly wasn't going to complain about it.

Electro-Charge! Execute!

He bent his knees and extended an arm behind him, electricity pulsing a the tip of his fingers.

Octopus!” he shouted.

Thunder Shaper! Tentacle Shape Execute!

A thick electric whip swiped the air with its signature vivid whooshing sound, hitting several crocodiles as it passed. A good chunk of them had been destroyed by the hit, but they were immediately replaced by another group. Fulguro created another tentacle with his other arm and swung it. Thanks to Electro-Charge's effect, he could extend it even more, and it destroyed two waves of crocodiles in a single swipe.

“Okay, this thing is way better than my Wave Shape.” Fulguro exclaimed, pleasantly surprised. “Drawbacks or not, I love it.” he turned back, noticing that Jolta was still reading on her menu. “Think you'll be done soon, J?”

“It's Jolta for you.” she corrected brutally. “Don't mix up a name you gave me. Are you close to leveling up?”

“Sorry, still gotta get used to it.” Fulguro apologized before checked his experience bar. “And uh, yeah actually.” he confirmed. “With all the Bsorbees I fought with the others, I think I need like… Two more swarms like that and I'm leveling up. Why?”

Jolta closed her menu and looked at him. “We can kill the first big wave by ourselves. Then run away. But that's depending on what new Skill you get here. If you get any.”

“And you're willing to take the risk?”

Jolta walked in front of him, fearlessly standing before the new swarm of crocodiles.

“Another useless question, Thunder Boy.” Jolta declared. “I'm an explorer. Taking risks is my fucking job here.”

“Not that useless from my point of view.” Fulguro replied as he prepared himself for another attack. “Because now I know for sure what type of video game player you are.”

“Mm. Which would be?”

Thunder Shaper! Tentacle Shape! Execute!

“The gambling type.” Fulguro concluded before swinging an electric tentacle with one arm. Using the other, he summoned three more tentacles and ran towards his enemies before swinging them, swiping several more crocodiles in the process.

Player_Fulguro: Level Up! New Skill Acquired!

“Booyah!” Fulguro exclaimed. “Well, you're up, Jolta! I need to recharge my SPs, and also figure out what that new skill of mine is.”

“You should've known about my gaming style the second I finished my speech back at the tavern.” was Jolta's sole remark. “So still a useless question. That makes three, Thunder Boy. Now watch me.” having said that, Jolta dipped her rapier in one of the bottles of her belt.

Equip: Slumber Powder!

She proceeded to rush to the last wave's encounter, dodging several jaws that tried to get to her, and striking those that were within attack distance. All the crocodiles who didn't fall from her repeated assaults fell unconscious due to the effects of the Slumber Powder.

“Uh, Jolta?!” Fulguro called, slightly worried. “What the heck are you doing?”

Without answering, she continued toying around with her various preys, suffering for unavoidable hits in the process. Nevertheless, she pressed on until she reached the center of the way, with most of the enemies surrounding her.

“That makes four useless questions, Thunder Boy.” she declared calmly as the crocodile grew closer to her position. “I'm gambling.”

Jolta bent her knees as her blade took a blue coloration, shinning like a wicked flame.

Alchemy Twirl! Execute!

Unlike with her Fiery Twirl, when Jolta spun around, a dark blue aura surrounded her instead of her usual orange one, which made her gold and white outfit look much more intimidating. On top of that, streams of blue smoke seemed to emanate from her movement, and the crocodiles all around her stopped moving. Seconds later, they suddenly fell down, asleep. Jolta swung her rapier and put a hand to her hip.

“They're staying like that for fifteen seconds.” Jolta revealed to Fulguro, her face as emotionless as her tone despite her situation. “Find a way to kill them all right now. Else I'll be dead meat. Literally.”

“What?!” Fulguro exclaimed. “But–”

“Twelve seconds left, Thunder Boy.”

Fulguro finished reading the content of his new skill and ran towards Jolta's position as fast as he could. Once behind the paralyzed wave of enemies, he realized that some of them were already getting up. He had to hurry.

Electro-Charge! Execute!

“You won't be affected by the next move, so don't move, okay?” Fulguro warned, opening his arms.

“Five, Thunder Boy.” was Jolta's sole reply. “Five useless questions.”

Multi-Polygon Bolts! Execute!

Fulguro repeatedly brought his arms forward several times, letting his electricity channel through them. Then, as his arms became blurry, several polygon-shaped projectiles came out of his hands. Octahedrons, tetrahedrons and dodecahedrons alike speedily flew to the crocodiles' encounter and detonated creating bright blue domes of light all around the field.

“Jolta?” Fulguro called, blinded by the cloud of smoke in front of him. “Did I get them all?”

Jolta walked out of the explosion, a crocodile impaled on her blade. She swung it downward as the animal fell on the ground and disappeared like the rest of his pairs.

“Most of them.” Jolta corrected. “I killed the two that woke up early.”

Fulguro nodded and gazed at his hands. They were still crackling with energy.

“I don't want to sound narcissistic or anything,” he began, “but I think this was my best action so far. I'm seriously loving what they're doing with the attacks. I'm totally spending a few Upgrade Points on that Polygon thing.”

“Mm. Nice job, Thunder Boy. See, this is what happens when you don't hesitate.”

“You mean, what happens when teamwork is a thing.” Fulguro corrected, smiling brightly. “And I don't mean that the cheesy way! I'm seriously glad you took both of our abilities into account instead of me having to explain you why we have to make combos in the first place. For someone who doesn't care about others, you really understand the importance of that stuff pretty fast, huh?”

Jolta raised her head defiantly. “And for someone who cares about everyone instead of himself, you sure understand how fucking boring other people are.”

Fulguro frowned. “Uh… How so?”

“You closed the communication window before we left.” she observed, pointing at him. “Either you did it because you realize everyone else's voice would be in the way, either you did it for another reason. Which you better explain. Right now.”

“...Oh. Uh, That was because–”

“Actually, you don't need to explain anything.” Jolta interrupted, approaching him with menacing steps. “I get it. You did it for me. Because you know I'm a loner, you know I don't like people, so you wanted to make sure little old me wouldn't get upset by all these fucking idiots joking around as we tried our luck here. Is that right?”

“I–”

“Useless question.” Jolta interrupted again. “Of course it's right. Now this is the moment where you shut the hell up for a sec and listen to me.” she grabbed Fulguro's neck and brought him closer to her protected face. Even from such a short distance, the painted eyes on Jolta's knightly helmet were the only things Fulguro could look upon. But Jolta's tone and actions were eloquent enough.

She was really angry.

“I don't need your damn favors.” Jolta spat, a hateful grimace stuck on the face. “I'm not a sad little girl looking for a goodie-two-shoes like you to show her where the path to happiness is supposed to be. I am who I am. And if you think you can tame me and polish my back with that bullshit friendship powder of yours, then you can shove it up your ass and die with it.”

“But that's not what I–”

“At least don't lie to yourself, Thunder Boy!” Jolta shouted, taking Fulguro by surprise. “I'm not dumb! And that talk about teamwork? Load of crap, too! The only reason you care about it is because it fits with your stupid desire for everything to be 'okay.' You wouldn't give a damn about it if it didn't make you feel good. Deep down, we're all egoistical scumbags. So don't try and spit morals at me. I don't need any of that shit to be happy with myself.” Jolta pushed Fulguro aside and took several steps away before stopping once again. Fulguro's hand had hastily grabbed her shoulder.

“I'm sorry!” Fulguro exclaimed. “I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to anger you, I didn't mean to force you to do anything, I just want to have a good time with everyone. And… I mean… maybe I'm selfish, but I want everyone else to be okay, too! That's more important than me being okay. Because I'm more okay if other people are. If… if that makes sense. I'm just trying to say that we were having fun earlier, and I don't want that to stop. So I'm sorry. If you feel like I'm forcing you to do anything again, just tell me, and I'll stop whatever I'm doing. The last thing I want is upsetting people because I'm trying to make them smile.”

Jolta's grip tightened around her rapier. She let out a sigh of exasperation and removed Fulguro's hand from her shoulder, turning back to gaze at him.

“Look.” she began. “Let me have my freedom. I understand if you want me to be part of the group when it's needed. We're all stuck in this game together, I understand that too. But if I don't want to socialize, don't fucking bribe me into doing it anyway – which is exactly what you've been wanting to do until now.”

It was Fulguro's turn to let out a sigh. Even though he meant no harm, he had to admit that Jolta was spot on. Especially after she showed that she did have interesting things to share with the group back at the tavern.

“I'm glad we're clear on that.” Jolta continued, having heard Fulguro's resigned sigh. “Leave me be from time to time. And maybe I'll consider making a few more exceptions for you.”

Fulguro frowned. “What does that mean?”

“I don't gamble with anyone, Thunder Boy.” Jolta revealed, retrieving her calm demeanor. “And I already told you there was something I wanted to ask you after this mission. So you'll get your answer when we get back. Now let's go. The second wave's probably coming.”

“Six.”

Jolta once again stopped walking – though this time, Fulguro could almost see her confusion.

“What?”

“Six.” Fulguro repeated, faked exasperation in his tone. “I should've remembered about what you told me back in Turbulence Market. So that makes six useless question, right? I broke the freakin' record, today, didn't I.”

Jolta stared at him for a couple of seconds and abruptly turned back. “You sure, fucking did, Thunder Boy.”

Fulguro took a Skill Points Potion from his menu and drank it whole as they went on their way to join their assigned group. As he remained behind during the walk, he couldn't see the hint of a smile that had appeared on Jolta's face, and that never left its place until they reached their teammates again.

It had been a long time since her satisfaction had been met by something else than her own music.


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 10:28 pm
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ChieTheWriter wrote a review...



Hey! It's Me here. (for Team Monarchs to be precise)

So I didn't see any typos, grammar errors, and etcetera. This piece was well written, the characters are well developed, and as I said, the "technical" stuff was correct.

It was an interesting chapter. The descriptions were vivid enough for someone to picture the scene, the dialogue was intriguing enough to grab the reader's attention, and the plot was exciting enough to keep the reader's attention. The chapter was a bit long though, and I would consider breaking it down into two, or even three shorter chapters. When a chapter is too long, it will sometimes discourage the reader.

Besides that, it was a very well-written story. (it was well written anyway, by the way, it could just be improved). Keep writing!

~Me, Team Monarchs




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Sun Jun 26, 2016 10:14 pm
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Aley wrote a review...



Yo Tortwag,

Aley here with a couple things.

Frist off, really good writing. Your forward momentum, details about the scenery, and breaks in the story for the battle things are pretty perfect. I actually got really caught up reading this so good job. it is a bit on the long side for reading on YWS, you might want to consider breaking up your chapters into part 1 part 2 so that there is a better chance of getting longer reviews, but for now, I think it's pretty good.

I didn't actually see anything in the actual story that needed commenting upon in terms of grammar errors and such. You did a really good job cleaning this up. The only thing I saw was at the very beginning and here's what it is.


I am grateful to Mr.Raikanj thought about adding cleverly-placed cultural references everywhere.


The "to" is making this awkward because Mr. Raikanj thought about something. It usually would be "I am greatful Mr. Raikanj thought about adding cleverly-placed cultural references everywhere."

Did he just think about it or did he actually do it? If he actually did it then it should probably be "I am greatful Mr. Raikanji added cleverly-placed cultural references everywhere" or if this is an article and present tense "I am greatful Mr. Raikanji adds cleverly-placed cultural references everywhere." The difference is simple. To makes the rest of the sentence the predicate, or the back end of the sentence, but we need to know more about the subject before we can really get to that because "I am greatful" starts one sentence and what they're greatful about start a subordinate sentence.

Of course, if this is someone else's writing, don't change a thing.

Either you did it because you realize everyone else's voice would be in the way, either you did it for another reason.

For some reason google things greatful should be grateful =/ I don't know if you want to take it's advice or not there.

ANYWAY! Like I said, your writing style and voice are captivating and engaging. The story is a bit of a lull for someone who doesn't really like reading action scenes like me, but I love the emotional content you added at the end. You did go through it a little bit too fast for me as someone who hasn't read the rest of the story, but I liked it. I think if you poked at the face and body language at that section you might even be able to make it better, but that's just a suggestion because I like suggesting things. You don't need to change anything.

Aley





Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
— Mark Twain