Yepp, no problem!!
Alright, so I'm writing this book, and I have to write a kissing scene because... well, I do. But I have never, ever written one before now. Never. So, this probably needs a lotof work. And so, I turn to you, good people of YWS. Please help me with my kissing scene. What is wrong with it? Is it too nasty? I need some good critiques Also, it's only kissing, but I rated it 16+ just to be safe.
Please, do not hesitate to tell me this is the worst scene you've ever read in your life. I'll re-write it as many times as I need to.
*Awkward intake of air* Gah. I feel icky.
Okay... well... here it is, in the spoiler. The stuff in italics is just what you need to know to understand it, it's not actually part of the scene.
Phew. Well, when it's all typed up and not written, it doesn't look so bad. Thanks in advance for your reviews. I'll give points out for really helpful ones. Be as harsh as you need to be, I can handle it 
.
Hello,Im brittany 
Okay, i thought it was great for your first time writing a kissing scene lol it was like you wanted it and i really think thats all that matters but i actually thought it was great for your 1st time...lol my 1st one was actually more sexual and less rape in my kissing scenes..all of them, actually lol!!
~brittany~
Just one little thing before I get to the lovely kissing:
She tried to scream, but her vocal cords wouldn't seem to work.
Okay, thanks. I really wasn't sure what to put this under... it's not romantic, but it's a kiss, so I figured you romance guys would be better at reviewing it. Which you guys are. Yeah... well, thanks! *donates points*
Hi Dreamy. Moo here.
Okay, so, Sara is the main character.Nothing special about her, although she does have a taste for anything that's bad for her. She's in the house of Eosphoros, or Oros for short.He's quite attractive. Both Oros and his sister, Nerezza, have super powers, so the stuff about invisible forces- well, yeah. Earlier in the story, Oros attempted to kiss Sara, but never followed through. Sara isn't even sure if he meant to.Oros is crazy. He has huge mood swings that change him from the nice guy he usually is to... well, the guy he is here. His eyes change from gold to red.Sara's ex-boyfriend's name is Mike, he gets a mention here. Oros rarely ever sees humans, so when he sees Sara, he kinda goes after her.He's not supposed to,because Nerezza needs Sara for something. It's not relevant here. Also, it's just kind of not right, cuz Sara's 14 and Oros is in his twenties.That's all you need to know for this. We'll pick up at the end of the paragraph before. Oros just found Sara, and he's in the middle of one of his mood swings
Sara tried to run, but an invisible force cemented her in place. She tried to scream, but her vocal cords wouldn't seem to work. Oros grabbed her shoulders.
"I've made a decision. What my sister doesn't know won't hurt her#FF0000 ">." He whispered, his eyes open maniacally wide. He leaned towards her face, and this time, his intentions were clear.
His lips touched hers, and her heart skipped a beat.
Sara tried to resist, but her efforts were weak. She knew, every part of her knew, that this was wrong, wrong, wrong.
But with each second, her heart seemed to melt a little more. Oros was warm, smooth, practiced. Mike had always been nervous and embarrassed- he had never kissed her like this. The invisible bonds on her loosened, but she didn't pull away. She let herself be drawn into his arms, and she kissed him back. She would have continued, but a new force threw her backwards, and she fell to the floor a few feet away.
You show rather than tell. I'll use an example from my trusty help book Writing a Novel and Getting Published.So uh about your story, do you want my opinion? Here goes
I think it should have a lot more detail! Its a romance scene.
Make it... goey!! lol Hold suspense longer, make sure your scene is set before you bring in the kissing.
Maybe some tender words or i dunno some of dat crap!! Lol
I liked your story-I am no expert but i think it does need some changes
why thank you. I do know that Oros is too old, but I don't want to change it. That's the tone of the story- creepy, not right. It's supposed to sort of be like rape, but not...really.
Thanks!
oh my gosh that is so good in fact you just loosened my writers block thank you soo much i was starting to think my writing career was over and all you need to do is continue and make Oros a little younger becaue its a little creepy to read that when you know that its not right sorry
-dragons
Okay. Thanks for the review. Yeah, there's a whole 150 pages before this that might have helped to clear it up... but yeah. Thanks for the (much needed) help!
Comments in red.
Dreamy115 wrote:Alright, so I'm writing this book, and I have to write a kissing scene because... well, I do. But I have never, ever written one before now. Never. So, this probably needs a lotof work. And so, I turn to you, good people of YWS. Please help me with my kissing scene. What is wrong with it? Is it too nasty? I need some good critiques Also, it's only kissing, but I rated it 16+ just to be safe.
Please, do not hesitate to tell me this is the worst scene you've ever read in your life. I'll re-write it as many times as I need to.
*Awkward intake of air* Gah. I feel icky.
Okay... well... here it is, in the spoiler. The stuff in italics is just what you need to know to understand it, it's not actually part of the scene.Spoiler! :
Phew. Well, when it's all typed up and not written, it doesn't look so bad. Thanks in advance for your reviews. I'll give points out for really helpful ones. Be as harsh as you need to be, I can handle it
Hello, Flower here and I will be your reviewer for the evening.
Sara tried to run, but an invisible force cemented her in place. She tried to scream, but her vocal cords wouldn't seem to work. Oros grabbed her shoulders. A force is keeping her in place, so does he really need to grab her shoulders? Even if he does grab her shoulders you should make more out of the sentence. Describe how it feels, show me what is happening. Something like, Just then she felt a new force keeping her in place, she looked down and saw two big worn hands gripping her shoulder.
"I've made a decision. What my sister doesn't know won't hurt her." He whispered, his eyes open maniacally wide. He leaned towards her face, and this time, his intentions were clear.
His lips touched hers, and her heart skipped a beat. Sara tried to resist, but her efforts were weak. She knew, every part of her knew, that this was wrong, wrong, wrong. Using wrong so many times right here takes away from the effect. It seems very exagerated and annoying.
Oros was warm, smooth, practiced. And practiced.
Mike had always been nervous and embarrassed- he had never kissed her like this. I would suggest flashing a memory of her and Mike, but it's up to you.
The invisible bonds on her loosened, but she didn't pull away. She let herself be drawn into his arms, and she kissed him back. She would have continued, but a new force threw her backwards, and she fell to the floor a few feet away. I would be more descriptive on this. She has been thrown back, but you still need to describe. Something like, "She freed the bonds holding her back, and let his long tender arms wrap around her. She could feel his tongue tracing the edge of her lips,and all she wanted was more, but she was interupted by a shot of pain to the gut. She felt the air whipping around her, and then her body hit the floor. Something like that.
Well this was an ok romantic scene, but it remind me to much of the phantom of the opera. I think some things could easily be fixed with more description. Other than that it just takes practice.
If you need anything just pm me.
-Flower-
Hehehe thanks. Yeah... well, it's sort of supposed to sound a bit like rape... my whole story's creepy like that.
Thanks so much. I'm off to make some changes now!
EDIT: so, I changed some stuff, but this scene's supposed to be creepy. I got rid of the nastiness, though. 
This scene seems a little bit like rape because she is so young and he is so old and he is also forcing her to kiss him. So I might change the age of that male character to like fifteen or sixteen.
Get rid of this. This is grotesque. you could say something like She let him caress her tracing the curves of her body culminating in a passionate kiss. then you could continue withHis lips parted hers, and her heart skipped a beat. Sara tried to resist, but her efforts were weak. She gave in; let his tongue snake across her teeth. She knew, every part of her knew, that this was wrong, wrong, wrong
Then you could say something like she felt safe in his arms. The void that she had felt a all those years had disappeared.She Kissed him once more but she was interrupted by a new force. Hopefully my review helped you. If you would like more help or to share your ideas you can always Pm me. Fiction.Oros was warm, smooth, practiced. Mike had always been nervous and embarrassed- he had never kissed her like this.
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