Rapture, 2

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I use the word 'Missy' in here enough times to sicken most people. This chapter is 16+ for some mild language and slightly intense themes.

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“Missy?” The little hand swept at the air in the space a small cat usually occupied.

“She’s right here, sweetheart.” Two larger hands placed the kitten back down onto the hospital bed. It laid very still as the little girl stroked it gently, careful not to disturb any wires.

Celine Acost was five years old, and she was going to die very soon. The cancer had started in her brain, and progressed very quickly to the point where there was nothing anyone could do any more. Her mother sat next to her bed, staring at the little bald head next to the black ball of fur curled beside it. “Do you want to watch TV, Celly? Super Friends is on.”

Celine’s eyes lit up. Every afternoon at four, she would watch an episode of her favourite show. In truth, it had gone off the air months ago, but she knew every line of the re-runs. The bed lifted slowly until her pair of blue eyes was level with the screen. Missy Donovan purred. The opening song started.

Super Friends, we always stick together

Super Friends, besties forever.

Super Friends, here in any kind of weather.

Earth!

A teenager with long, dark hair flew up the picture on a tree she appeared to be making grow. Celine clapped and smiled.

Water!

A girl in a blue kimono surfed across on a wave.

Fire! Air!

Two identical twins swirled in on a tornado which spurted flames, and then exited.

And… Magic!!

A gorgeous blonde flew in to join the other four girls, leaving a trail of sparkles behind her. She was obviously the leader of the group. Celine gasped with delight and clapped so hard her heart monitor started beeping. “Missy!! Missy Donovan!!!” she squealed loud enough to start a little coughing fit. A nurse came in to calm her down.

Missy Donovan was, besides a cat, a fairly famous teen actor. Little girls everywhere knew her mainly as Leah Looper, the leader of the Super Friends. The four-to-eight audience adored her, but nobody loved her more than Celine Acost. From the hall outside the little girl’s hospital room, the actress Missy Donovan could hear her excitement. Missy was fairly excited herself.  She popped open her pocket compact, checked her lip gloss. She was usually bombarded with fan mail, but Celine’s glitter covered letters had always seemed extra sincere. The nurse walked out of the room and closed the door quietly.

“She just needs a minute. Then you can go right in. If she gets too hyped up we might have to do some monitoring, but don’t be scared if anything like that happens,” the older woman whispered.

“Alright. Just tell me when.” Missy whispered back. The nurse smiled.

“I always had my doubts about you teen stars, but it’s so nice that you’re doing this. You seem like a fine young lady.”

Missy smiled back, secretly a little peeved. People assumed she was some sort of self-centred bitch all the time, but they never… she shook off the thought. Positive mind-set. Positive mind-set meant positive appearance.

The nurse poked her head back into the room and then into the hall again. “You can go ahead in. The cat’s very nice, don’t worry.”

Missy opened the door slowly. She was slightly nervous, which was not the way she usually functioned. Her eyes met Celine’s. The little girl was a twig, pale white with dark bags under her eyes. Her head seemed unnaturally big, tinted purple by the veins running close to the surface. But then she smiled, lifted her babyish mouth into a curve that lit up her entire face. Missy smiled back.

“Hi Celine. I’m Missy Donovan. I got your letters, and I thought I would come visit. They’re very nice. I saved them all.”

Celine squealed at a pitch that was probably too high for the average human to accomplish. “It’s you! It’s you! Is it really you?!” She bounced up and down until she winced in pain and had to stop. Her mother smiled at Missy.

“Thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to Celly.”

Missy grinned and walked over to the bed’s side.

 “Can we hug?” Celine asked. “Then I’ll know you’re super for real. I told all my friends in school I’d get to meet you and they all said you were too super famous and I said that you were magic so you could do anything-- ” Missy laughed.

“I don’t know about being magic, but I’m definitely real.” She leaned down and gently hugged the little girl, feeling the thin arms weakly wrap around her. As she pulled away and disentangled herself from the wires around her, she realised she was tearing up. She bit her lip. “Is this your kitty?” she asked, looking at the kitten by Celine’s side.

“Yes! This is Missy Donovan too! I named her after you!” Celine tried to lift the creature up, but her arms simply wouldn’t comply. Missy picked her up.

“What a little cutie.” Missy the cat purred affectionately and licked the human Missy’s nose.

“Oh, I’m sorry. She’s a licker,” Ms. Acosta said.

“No, it’s fine. She’s adorable. Just like her owner.” Missy said, placing the cat back down by Celine. The kitten meowed and padded back towards Missy.

“She likes you.” Celine said, happily. Her little faced clouded and got thoughtful. “You should keep her.”

“Don’t be silly! She’s your kitty. Missy loves you.” Missy said, letting the cat rub its chin on her knuckle.

“I know, it’s just that… well… the nice doctor says that I probably won’t be able to play with her for much longer. And Mommy doesn’t like her. And Daddy has two doggies at his house and Missy hates doggies. So I want her to be happy if I can’t be here. So I think you should have her. She loves you.”

Missy’s throat pinched, and she moved the kitten back towards Celine. “Don’t say that, Celine. You’re going to be…”

Ms. Acost cleared her throat. “Miss Donovan, I actually think that it might be a… might not be a… it would be good. For you to take the cat. If you’re willing. So that way we know she has a good home. Right, Celly?”

Celine nodded, very serious. “Missy and Missy. You’re perfect.”

Missy dabbed at the corner of an eye. “Look, I really… she’s not mine. She loves you both.”

Quite suddenly, Celine coughed violently. Blood sprayed in a fine mist over the white sheets. Her chest heaved and her breath wheezed out slowly. Ms. Acosta screamed. Nurses ran in and the heart monitor beeped wildly. “Stabilise her tachycardia. She’s in arrest. Get the cat the hell out!”

Gloved hands steered Missy away from the room and the little girl dying inside. As the door closed, the kitten slipped out and mewed helplessly. Missy scooped her up and held her close to her heart.

“Alright. It’s alright. She’ll be fine… Missy. She’ll be fine.”

She wasn’t fine. Celine Acost died two hours later in the ICU. Missy Donovan held the kitten close to her heart that night and cried herself to sleep. She held the kitten in her lap at the small funeral. She held the kitten up for the cameras at the press conference afterwards. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Missy and Missy.

*

 

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
prolixity
Review

Hi again. This is still fantastic.

I'll start with my nitpicks.

The opening song started.

Super Friends, we always stick together

Why the extra line break…?
A teenager with long, dark hair flew up the picture on a tree she appeared to be making grow.

I don’t like “flew up the picture.” :/
Two identical twins swirled in on a tornado which spurted flames, and then exited.

The twins exited or the tornado exited? You don’t tell us the other ones exit, so it seems unnecessary anyway.
A gorgeous blonde flew in to join the other four girls,

“Gorgeous blonde” seems a bit off for describing a kid’s show, haha.
but Celine’s glitter-covered letters had always seemed extra sincere.

“Alright. Just tell me when,” Missy whispered back.

Missy grinned and walked over to the bedside.

“Oh, I’m sorry. She’s a licker,” Ms. Acosta said.

Acosta or Acost?
Just like her owner,” Missy said,

All right. It’s all right. She’ll be fine… Missy. She’ll be fine.”

Google says you’re not supposed to use “alright.”


So, I like Missy a lot. (The person not the cat.) But I feel like your portrayal of Celine is a bit off in parts. There's a lot squealing and clapping and too-coherent sentences and it just doesn't fit together for me. It seemed like she was more excited over the TV show than when Missy showed up. And then her dialogue feels older than five. So... work on that? Sorry for the lack of suggestions. XD

You took a risk with the last two sentences and I'm still trying to decide if I like them. First of all, the comparison is not quite perfect and I'm hurting my head thinking about it. And then there's the change of tone, which is not a problem, but I'm not sure if it's worth it for this. There's nothing really wrong with them, but I don't think they're as good as the rest of the writing here.

Do you read Vonnegut? (I've been talking about Vonnegut way too much on YWS... but oh well.) Your style is very Vonnegut-esque. Not in a blatant copy-cat way, but in the way I'd be surprised if you haven't read him. And if you haven't you should. c:

I'm excited to keep reading this!

Prolix

Aha thanks, I'll definitely go back and do some serious editing here. And speak of the devil, my dad just told me to read Slaughterhouse Five, but I haven't yet. I guess I have to now. And yeah, it's Acost, autocorrect's a bitch. Thanks for the help!

Haha, my dad is the person who told me to read Slaughterhouse-Five. But yeah, definitely start with that one. It's about WWII, and aliens, and a porn star... it's great. : D

What?! What?! I thought it was just a weird prison story or something. *reads immediately*

User avatar
Attolia
Comment

Okay I really like this. I'm going to give you my thoughts on this chapter and the last, so all four sections. First section: short, not much to say. Is the cat dead perhaps? And in hindsight like it because it raises questions with the cat Missy in Devon Jump's possession. I like this kind of randomly interlocking multiple-perspectives stuff. I'm usually not a fan of the style of narration of the second paragraph here, but in your case I'll go with it for now.

Second second: this is good, although I'd agree to cutting it into paragraphs (although I also recognize the stylistic effect of clumping it together allinone because he's insane) and perhaps(?) to getting rid of the caps. The crazy perspective is hard to get right, and I could like see your attempts to get it, if that makes sense. I could tell you were trying, instead of just accepting the insanity without a thought and being taken in by it. (It might be a too little matter-of-fact and not randomly unperturbed enough?) BUT then the last sentence was perfect and tied it all together really well.

Last one. I completely love writing dialogue with a ton of cursing, so don't get me wrong on what I'm about to say. In fact, I've already struggled to find other words to replace the choice "bad" word I would've naturally used three times in this review alone because YWS gets so pissy about that type of thing (which I understand because it's a youth site and all). Okay my point: the end gets a little overdone with the cursing, again like you're trying. I've had others tell me to cut down my cursing when writing that lifestyle, as well, so I think I'm in tune to that one isn't supposed to overdue it. Also I'm particular with dialogue.

Here's how I would change it ( just in my personal preference):

--------------
“Lester, can you do me a favour and shut the fuck up?” Lester hadn’t been talking to begin with, so it was not difficult to oblige. “Now listen. Listen.” Lester listened. “The idea is really simple. Really fucking simple. We’re going to write a movie.”
“Brian, we’re not writing a movie.”
“Shut the fuck up. This is a good idea. This is a good fucking idea. That book you wrote. We can turn that into a movie. Real blockbuster shit.”
“Brian—“
“Seriously (no comma that changes the mood) you know I fucking hate it when you do that patronising ‘Brian’ thing. I know what my fucking name is. And I know your book would be a great fucking movie.”
“It’s a piece of crap. I wrote it to entertain a few ("fat, horny" instead of "horny, overweight"? I know he's less of a tool than Brian but if he's already saying this) horny, overweight teenage girls. And that’s exactly what it’s done. Who the fuck else reads shit like that?”
“I know it’s a piece of crap. But if a hundred thousand teenage girls are stupid enough to read it, then a million stupid teenage girls will watch it. Think about it. If pansy ass shit about vampires and wizards gets to be a movie, then can't why your shitty-ass book about death be a movie?”
“You don’t know the first thing about the film industry.”
“Yeah but I know a guy whose dad is a producer. So knowing stuff comes second.”
“We're not telling Drew to bother his dad with a fucking stupid book–to-film idea.”
“Maybe you’re not, but I fucking am. So you can help me if you want, with writing it and shit, or you can...not. But this could be big, Les. I’m serious.”
“Fuck ("Fuck it" could work too?), I don’t care. Do what you want. Pass the joint.”
*

I'm confused because the cursing and weed often conflicts with their word choices/sentence structure at times. I take it they're more intelligent than your average stoner because the one wrote a successful book, but still seems conflicted sometimes. But I trust you have reasons for it. Anyway I tried to simplify a lot of it (thus more cohesive with the weed and all, and just in general people tend to talk more directly than most writers' dialogue, esp stoners) but no worries if you didn't like it.

**I might seem overly critical thus far so I want to reiterate that I really really liked these two chapters and was impressed or I wouldn't have commented.** I'm just being nitpicky with my personal preferences in case my viewpoint helps you at all. Sometimes it helps me just to see how others view my writing. But overall I liked this section too. I like how different they all are.

Last section/second chapter: LOVE IT. Perfect. Possible prediction that Missy'll be their choice of actress for their film? But yeah, it was really good. Also I'm burned out from writing the above, but while reading it I had no qualms that I can remember.

I will definitely keep tabs on this!

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. I agree, the dialogue needs a lot of work. For the insanity stuff, I'm trying to convey thought specific to beig a psychopath with a God complex. So it's a little more structred than your typical insanity because while he's cray cray, he's highly intelligent and disturbed. But yeah, paragraphs. I should use them. Also, good prediction. Spoiler, but you are correct. XD thanks again!

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. I agree, the dialogue needs a lot of work. For the insanity stuff, I'm trying to convey thought specific to beig a psychopath with a God complex. So it's a little more structred than your typical insanity because while he's cray cray, he's highly intelligent and disturbed. But yeah, paragraphs. I should use them. Also, good prediction. Spoiler, but you are correct. XD thanks again!



I'll show my defiance through ironic obedience!
— AstralHunter