16+

Chapter 1

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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"Mom!" Ember screamed.

Panic devoured her as she stared at the scene before her. Sunlight peering through the light beige curtains added a sort of shine to the dark red blood that defaced the once pristine walls of an eggshell shade. Family photographs that once lined the walls lie face down on the wooden floor, broken.

Taking stagnant steps, she ambled deeper into the house of horrors. Shards of blood-stained glass concealed the flooring just as a blanket would on a mattress. Magazines on an array of subjects sat in a scattered pile underneath the remnants of what once was a glass coffee table stationed in the center of the living room.

Couches, of a light beige color, formed and L-shape around the shattered table. Broken lamps of all shapes and sizes were strewn across the light wooden floor, along with the mini-tables they each sat on.

"Mom!" She called out once more in a failing attempt to refrain the wave of tears now desiring to be released.

"Keep it together. Stay hopeful." The words ricocheted off all corners of her mind. While she tried to hope for the best, deep down, she remained skeptical of the worst. An apprehensive feeling took root in the pit of her stomach as she took slow steps down the dark, narrow hallway.

"Strange", she thought to herself.

Indeed it was. The rest of the house had remained untouched, while the living room looked as if a tornado had hit it. As she neared her mother's bedroom, the chemical odor of bleach tugged at her nose.

That dark feeling had grown more unsettling by the second. She began to quicken her sluggish pace.

"Oh my God!" The words unknowingly escaped from her lips.

(72 hours earlier.)

“Ugh where is it”, Ember exclaimed as she scoured her room for her book bag. She had ransacked her closet, underneath the bed, and any other place she could think of. Her room appeared as though a tornado had hit it. Her clothes and shoes had been strewn across the floor, along with her jackets, the occasional sports magazine, and a few other knickknacks. She ran her fingers through her amber locks of hair as her knees hit the floor in apparent frustration, stuck in the middle of her now junky room.

“Ember!” Her mom exclaimed. She turned to her mom, who was leaning against the doorway, in surprise. She must have furtively snuck her way into her room while she was busy destroying her room. She quickly jumped to her feet and began tidying her room.

“Mom”, she panicked. “What are you doing in here?”

“The better question is what happened in here”, her mom rebutted as her hazel eyes wandered around the room. Ember dropped the bundle of magazines, clothes and shoes she had managed to wrap in her arms. She looked down at the stuff and then at her mother.

“Uhm”, she responded. “I was looking for my book bag. I couldn’t find it.”

“You mean this book bag?” Her mother investigated. She held up the black and pink shoulder bag Ember used. Her eyes bucked wide open in surprise. She quickly strode over to her mother, ignoring the pile of junk her feet further scattered across the floor with each step. They ran up and down the book bag as though she was trying to process what had just happened. She had looked everywhere for the bag and yet, there it was: clutched in her mother’s hands. She took the bag from her mother and adjusted it on her shoulder. She had never been so happy to feel the weighty bag burdening her shoulders. She shifted it so it sat comfortably.

“Where did you find it?” She investigated.

“You put it next to the front door yesterday”, her mother answered. She slowly nodded her head as the memory came back to her. Her eyes shut as she sighed in astonishment.

“I didn’t want to be late for the last day of school”, she commented. Her eyes reopened and locked with her mother.

“Yes”, her mother agreed. “So you left it there so all you had to do was grab it and go. And I distinctly remember telling you that you would forget and do this to your room.” She motioned around the cluttered room. “I also remember you telling me ‘No mom that’s not gonna happen. I won’t forget.’”

“I forgot anyway”, she lowly remarked.

“Yes you did”, her mother agreed.

“Don’t worry mom”, she reassured. “I’ll clean all this up as soon as I get home.”

“Oh I wasn’t worried”, her mother quickly responded. “Because that is out of the question”

“Yeah”, Ember quietly agreed.

“Now you should get going before you really are late for school”, her mother ordered. “This mess will still be here when you get back. I promise you that.” She turned towards the clock: 6:20. She planted a quick kiss on her mother’s cheek before sprinting out of the room and down the hall.

“Bye mom!” She exclaimed.

“Bye!” Clara’s distant send off indistinctly registered in her ears. She yanked open the door and dashed across the small porch and down the stairs. Her two hands firmly gripped the handle of her bag. She raced down the driveway, and hurriedly unlatched the metal lock keeping their small gate closed. She shut the gate then made a break down the sidewalk and towards school.

“Ember!” A deep voice exclaimed as she felt a tug on her arm. She gripped her hands around his wrist and flipped him over her back. A vociferous thud followed. The figure groaned in pain all while clutching his wrist. He wiggled around the sidewalk for some time before making it back to his feet.

“Mason!” She exclaimed. What the heck was wrong with her? She just beat up her best friend. She extended her hand, however quickly withdrew it when she saw he was getting up on his own.

“Are you ok?” She investigated. He dusted off the black jeans and black and blue plaid shirt he wore. He adjusted the straps of his black book bag on his shoulders before answering.

“Oh yeah sure”, he sarcastically responded. “My best friend just tried to kill me. Why wouldn’t I be ok?”

“I am so sorry”, she quickly replied. “I didn’t know it was you. All I knew was I felt a tug on my arm.”

“Even still you don’t try to kill someone over a tug!” He rebutted.

“Yeah I know”, she responded. “I don’t know what got into me.”

“My head and shoulders are killing me now”, he commented.

“Do you want me to massage you?” She suggested.

“No”, he quickly responded. “I don’t trust those hands of yours right now.”

“Fair enough”, she agreed.

“Well at least I know you can take care of yourself.” He remarked with a subtle laugh, revealing his deep dimples. She nodded her head in agreement.

“Yeah”, she agreed. “You’re right about that.”

“We should get going”, he remarked. “I might need you to protect me.” She laughed.

“A man needs a woman for protection?” She teased.

“Only in America”, he responded. She chuckled. They both continued down the sidewalk in complete silence, save the low thud of the small rock she kicked down the pavement as they walked.

“So what are you doing over break?” He interrogated. She ceased kicking the rock and looked over at Mason.

“Well”, she answered. “I’m not quite sure yet. Mom isn’t really big on going places. Maybe I’ll spend it at home and down at the field. What about you?”

“I’m not sure yet”, he answered. “My parents have something planned but they won’t tell me what it is.”

“Hmm”, she remarked.

“I don’t know if I want to go anywhere this summer though but we’ll see”, he continued. She nodded her head in agreement. They paused in front of the school’s gate. Written on a marquee in bold letters to the direct left of her was: East Town High School. She stared up at the brick building which was almost three times her age. The structure resembled that of a castle’s. The orange bricks had been riddled with scratch marks.

“Come on”, he called. He reluctantly nudged at her elbow with his. She followed behind him.

“Phew”, he remarked – his voice laced with relief. She shifted her gaze to him. “You didn’t try to kill me.” She laughed.

“Keep this up and I just might beat you up a little”, she responded.

They both laughed as they continued down the stone pathway which was positioned in the center of two of the greenest grass one would ever see. Sprouting from the ground were marigolds, their petals twinkling in the reflection of the sun’s rays. Two stone fountains, erupting water high into the air, stood opposite each other in the center of both patches of grass. They arrived at the school’s entry after what felt like a century of walking.

“Is it just me”, Mason investigated. “Or does that pathway seem longer?”

“Nope”, she responded with a nod. “I think it is.”He opened the school’s doors and motioned for her to go in.

“Ladies first”, he remarked.

“Why thank you kind sir.” She responded with a subtle curtsy. He smiled, showcasing his dimples once more. Once inside, Ember scanned the nearly empty halls save one or two students at their lockers. She glanced down at her black, digital watch: 6:40. It was almost time for the first period to start. So where was everybody?

“Where is everybody?” She interrogated. Mason simply shrugged.

“They’re probably in the home room”, he answered. “We should head there too.”

She nodded and soon found herself ambling down the hall and to the home room. They had not even made it halfway there, and already her ears were greeted with the ever familiar sounds of students conversing. She paused in the doorway and stared at the many students sitting down and standing up, trying to enjoy the last few minutes of freedom before they were restrained to the four walls of a classroom. She and Mason scoured the room for some time before finding an empty table. They dropped their book bags to the floor and collapsed into the chairs. After all that walking, Ember felt relieved to get a break. She suddenly started frantically tapping his shoulder. He responded with a look of confusion.

“Please do not let me forget my book bag”, she pleaded.

“Ok”, he responded though he had no idea what made her ask such a peculiar thing. He shrugged his shoulders and relaxed in the chair.

“That’s how you properly handle it when someone taps you by the way”, he remarked. She released a wry chuckle as she too began to relax though it proved rather difficult with all of the chatter being made in the background.

“Whatever”, she responded. Barely two minutes must have passed before she started fidgeting in her chair. She absently found her eyes perusing the room. They stopped when they stumbled on a familiar face. She tapped Mason’s knee multiple times until he had no choice but to respond.

“What?” He interrogated as he shot up in his chair. “Is there an emergency?”

“No”, she responded. “I just noticed someone.”

“Who?” he investigated as his eyes scanned the room.

“Emily”, she responded.

“Emily who?” He interrogated. She gave him a look of disbelief.

“Well you have to be more specific”, he continued. “Do you know how many people named Emily go to this school? I mean there’s the Emily who’s on the track team, the Emily who likes to lie and say she’s smarter than me, the Emily who’s never on time to school, the Emily who’s always applying makeup, I mean there’s just so many.”

“You want a mental picture?” She investigated. He nodded his head yes. “I’ll give you a mental picture.”

“The Emily I’m talking about is about 5’4; she has a light complexion; draping dark brown hair with blonde highlights; she’s wearing a fuchsia pink blouse and earrings to match, a black skirt, a blazer and knee high leather boots to match, and a purse – really cute I might add -- to match her shirt; she’s warm, funny, kind, and you’ve had a crush on this Emily since we started high school. Does that ring any bells?”

“Nope”, he hopelessly responded.

“She’s sitting right over there with her cell phone in hand.” Ember motioned to her.

“Oh that Emily”, he remarked. “I don’t know if I’d say I have a crush on her. I mean she’s a nice girl but not really my type.”

“She smiled at you and you nearly passed out”, Ember reminded.

“I had just finished running in the hot California sun with you that day“, he remarked. “I was dehydrated.”

“She said hi and you actually did faint”, she recalled.

“I didn’t faint”, he corrected. “I just decided to go to sleep on the spur of the moment.”

“Ok Einstein”, she remarked. “Let’s see you talk your way out of this one. I didn’t want to have to do this but you leave me no choice. You remember that camping trip the whole school took?” He sighed in defeat. He knew what she would say next.

“I caught you practicing what to say to her!”

“How do you know I wasn’t talking about a different Emily?” He investigated.

“Were you?” She responded. His head sunk in defeat. He wanted so badly to say yes he was but he couldn’t. Well, he could, but not without outright lying.

“Not only do you have a crush but you’ve got it bad, really bad”, she informed.

“Ok fine”, he admitted. “I have a small crush on her. So what? It isn’t that big a deal.”

“No not small”, she corrected. “Huge! And it is a big deal! You need to go talk to her.” He shook his head no – an answer she wasn’t accepting. She shot up from her chair and locked gazes with him.

“Dude”, she exclaimed. “Summer break is coming up. That means you won’t see her for a while. That means she could walk out of this school single and return with a boyfriend. You don’t want that unless it’s you! Which means you need to man up and talk to her! Trust me, if you don’t you will regret because you’ll be wondering what would have happened if you had talked to her. Regret isn’t something you want to have on your chest. So strap on your big boy pants and go talk to her!”

“I can’t!” He exclaimed. “I don’t even know what to say.” She firmly gripped both of his shoulders with her hands.

“I’m no genius when it comes to this stuff”, she responded. “But I’m pretty sure you start with hi!”

“And after that”, he investigated.

“Ask her what she’ll be doing over the summer, ask her what she likes to do for fun, I don’t know just talk!” she exclaimed.

“Here’s your goal”, she continued. She counted it out with her fingers. “Don’t faint, don’t get all tongue tied, don’t say anything stupid, and don’t act totally awkward! Be yourself.” She ordered.

“Do you know how hard that is around her?” He interrogated.

“I can imagine”, she responded. “Now go!”

“I can’t”, he refused. “I just can’t!”

“Ok”, she responded. “There’s more than one way to skin a mouse.”

“Hey Emily!” She called with a wide grin. “Can you come over here for a second?” Emily responded with a warming smile and a subtle nod of her head.

“What are you doing?” Mason panicked.

“What’s that old saying?” She responded. “If you can’t bring the horse to water then bring the water to the horse. Since you won’t go to her, I’m bringing her to you.”

“I hate you”, he remarked.

“Oh we both know that’s not true”, she responded. He shot her an evil look before Emily joined. One look told Ember he was fighting very hard not to do anything stupid.

“Hey Ember”, she greeted as she leaned in to embrace her.

“Hi Emily”, she responded as she squeezed her for a brief moment before letting her go. Emily adjusted her purse on her shoulder before turning to Mason who stared at her with the worst smile Ember had ever seen. She tried to ignore it. She really did, but it was impossible.

“So”, she remarked. Emily turned to face Ember also doing her best to ignore Mason. “You’ve met my best friend Mason right?”

“Yes and no”, Emily responded. “I’ve seen him in passing but I never got the chance to properly introduce myself.”

“I’m Emily”, she introduced as her hand extended. Mason finally released that horrid smile and shook her hand.

“I’m Mason”, he responded. Emily gave him a smile brighter than the sun as her hand released his. He smiled back and this time, it was a proper smile. Ember smiled in satisfaction.

This is progress”, she thought to herself.

“So Ember”, Emily remarked. “What did you call me over here for?” She racked her brain for a believable excuse. She also needed to find a way to give those two some privacy.

A best friend’s work is never done”, she thought to herself.

“I had something to discuss with you”, she responded. “But first I need to run and get something from my locker before class. I’ll be five, six minutes tops. Can you wait until then?” Emily nodded her head yes. Mason knew exactly what she was up to.

“I’ll come with you”, he offered. Ember desperately wanted to back slap him; however, she refrained.

“No it’s ok”, she responded. “I’ll be back in a few. You two can just wait here till I get back.” Mason turned back to Emily. He gave her a nervous smile. Meanwhile, Ember slipped into the nearest corner and watched her plan at work. Fortunately, the two were close enough so she could still hear.

Mason please don’t screw this up”, she thought to herself.

“Hi”, he remarked.

Oh God please help him”, Ember thought to herself.

“Hi again”, Emily responded as she readjusted her purse. Her eyes wandered around the room before returning to him. Again, he flashed a nervous smile her way. She returned it with one as well.

“Do you want to sit down?” He offered as he motioned to a seat. Before she could respond, he continued speaking.

“Or you could stand. It’s up to you. I mean you just look tired so I thought you might want to sit but then again in about 15 minutes we’re about to sit down in some person’s classroom so I guess you might want to stand; but I mean like I said it’s up to you. And when I said you looked tired I didn’t mean that in a bad way. I just meant that it’s 6:45 in the morning so we’re all tired. I mean I know I’m tired.”

Kill me now”, Ember thought to herself.

“Can I speak now?” Emily teased.

“Sorry”, he apologized. “Whenever I get nervous I do or say stupid stuff. It’s a habit. I can’t help it. I mean I try of course but when it comes to being totally awkward, I’m a natural and I’m talking too much aren’t I? That’s also something I do when I get nervous which is quite often as I’m sure you can probably tell by now and I’m gonna shut up now.”

Oh Mason”, Ember thought to herself.

Emily responded with a chuckle.

“No”, she remarked as she repositioned her bag once more. “Not at all; in fact, I think it’s kind of cute and sweet.” Ember’s ears perked up upon hearing this.

“Really?” he interrogated. He could hardly believe he was hearing that.

“Yeah”, she responded. She adjusted her purse on her shoulder once more. Mason had never noticed but that was the third time she had adjusted that purse at least 3 times in the last few minutes.

“So did you want to sit?” He inquired.

“Oh”, she responded. “Yeah I did. Thank you.” They took their seats, moments later. Mason took notice of her fingers twirling her purse strap.

“Are you feeling ok?” He investigated. She looked at him with a look of surprise.

“You keep fidgeting with your purse strap”, he explained. Her look of surprise vanished.

“You know how you ramble or do stupid stuff when you’re nervous”, she explained. He nodded his head yes. “Well I fidget with my purse strap when I’m nervous. Not just them though. Basically anything I have in my hands or if I have nothing, sometimes I use my dress. It’s a bad habit I know. I’m trying to break it but it’s easier said than done. You must think I’m totally weird now.”

“Not at all”, he quickly reassured her. “If you’re weird then I’m a total freak.” She smiled at his response.

“Well you’re the nicest freak I’ve ever seen”, she remarked.

“Why are you nervous though?” He inquired.

You idiot Mason”, Ember thought to herself. “Does she have to wear a neon sign you moron?

“I thought it was pretty obvious”, she responded. His lack of response told both Ember and Emily he did not see it.

Ladies and gentlemen: Moron of the year!” Ember thought to herself.

“I like you Mason”, she revealed. Mason nearly fell back in his chair upon hearing those words.

“But you’ve never even noticed me”, he responded.

“Just because you fixed it that way in your head doesn’t mean it’s true”, she responded. “I’ve had a crush on you since we got back from the camping trip. Ember told me how you were practicing what to say to me. I thought it was really sweet that you put all that effort into approaching a girl. How do you think I got to be friends with her? She’s been helping me all this time but I never got the chance to talk to you since you would always faint or run away whenever you saw me.”

“I’m sorry can you say all of that again?” He inquired. He could hardly believe what he was hearing. She chuckled.

“What are you doing over the summer?” She investigated.

“My parents have something planned”, he responded. Her mood dropped upon hearing that.

“Oh”, she responded trying her very best to appear delighted by the news but badly failing.

“I haven’t decided if I’m going to go yet though”, he continued. Her face brightened just a touch upon hearing this.

“My mom’s a museum curator. She’s showcasing a new exhibit at the end of the month. I’m helping her put the finishing touches on it. You should come. That is if you want to.” She explained. Before he got the chance to respond, she interrupted.

“I was also thinking that maybe we could get to know each other over the summer”, she suggested. “If you want to of course” Mason felt his heart soar to Cloud 9. Was he getting invited to spend his whole summer with his crush since 9th grade? He refrained from displaying his feelings to the world as much as possible.

“I would love to”, he responded. “It looks like the trip with my parents is off.” She smiled brightly as did he.

My work is finally done. It took me nearly three years but it’s finally done.” Ember thought to herself. She quietly slipped from her corner and back into the home room. She put on a disappointed look and strode over to Emily and Mason. At first they did not notice her because their gazes were locked on each other. She pretended to be disappointed.

“Sorry I took so long”, she remarked. Their gazes broke and turned to her. “I couldn’t find the thing I was looking for. Oh well. It’s probably somewhere at home.” Emily and Mason stood up and stared for at her for a half a second before Emily wrapped her arms around her. Caught off guard, Ember’s arms threw themselves up only to find themselves at the mercy of Emily’s bear tight hug. She squeezed Emily as hard as she could.

“Can you let me go now?” Ember wheezed. “I can’t breathe.”

“Sorry”, Emily apologized as she released Ember. “Thank you… for everything.”

“Well”, Ember responded. “Someone had to help this moron out.” She motioned to Mason. He did not dare rebut. Instead, he hugged Ember as well. Only, his was not nearly as tight.

“Thank you Em”, he remarked as he released her.

“It’s not like I ended world hunger”, she joked. “Save the hugging and stuff for each other.” They laughed and nodded their heads ok. Ember smiled at the warm feeling that came over her as she watched the two.

“Just do me a favor”, she pleaded. “Please don’t turn into one of those lovesick couples who can’t stand to be apart for one minute. I don’t think I could take all that.” They chuckled as their eyes cut to each other and back to her.

“We’ll try”, Mason remarked. Ember took one look at him and knew he wouldn’t try too hard.

“Yeah”, she sarcastically remarked. “Sure you will. And my name is Elena.”

“Fair enough”, he responded.

Ember glanced down at her watch: 6:54. Only 6 minutes until she was at the mercy of her algebra teacher.

“So how should we spend our last few minutes of freedom?” She interrogated. Emily and Mason shrugged their shoulders.

“There’s not a lot to do in 5 minutes”, Mason answered.

“I have to go get something out of my locker before class”, Emily announced. “I’ll see you in class.” She planted a quick kiss on Mason’s cheek before hurrying out of the room and to her locker. Ember’s eyes cut to Mason. His cheeks were as red as a rose.

“If that’s what you’re like after a kiss on the cheek”, Ember teased. “I hate to think of what you’ll be like after one on the lips.”

“Oh shut up”, he responded. She laughed as she bent down to pick up her book bag. Mason followed. She situated the bag comfortably on her shoulders. It was just in the nick of time; for shortly after she finished, the bell sounded. Ember groaned at the annoying rings sounding throughout the school’s halls as she and Mason filed out of home room and ventured towards the math classroom.

“Oh cheer up. This is the last day.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to be all perky. You know I can’t stand school especially math.”

“Your grades beg to differ.”

“That’s only because mom is always threatening to get me kicked off the soccer, basketball, and track team if my grades drop.”

“I have no idea how you can do all those sports. I’m completely worn out just from working out at the gym.”

“You have your brains and I have my capacity for athletic sports.”

“Which is way beyond the normal capacity”

“So is your learning capacity.” Mason rolled his eyes. Their gazes drifted from each other and to the wooden door serving as the entrance into the classroom. 3A glistened against the dull back drop in large lettering.

“Come on”, Mason ordered with a quick tap on her arm. She responded with a groan. Her eyes briefly cut from the door and towards the end of the hall. She spotted a figure eying her. His back leaned up against the lockers. She instinctively grabbed Mason’s arm, refraining him from taking one step further. A worried look met him when their gazes locked.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know. There’s someone at the end of the hall.”

“It’s probably another student.” He attempted to enter the classroom only to find he was still restrained by her hand firmly gripping his arm.

“They should all be in their classrooms by now and that did not look like a student.” Reluctantly, he broke his gaze from her and peered down the end of hall. The palm of his hand felt her forehead.

“What are you doing?”

“Checking for a fever… You seem to be hallucinating.” She slapped his hand away.

“I’m feeling fine! We have to go find out who that person was.”

“You want to go interrogate the lockers because that’s the only thing there.” She quickly returned her gaze to the end of the hall. Her hair slapped Mason in the face.

“That’s impossible.”

“What’s impossible? There’s no one there. Now come on before the teacher reports us for being late. I don’t know about you but I’d like to avoid the principal’s office on the last day of school.” He took her hand and pulled her into the classroom. Her mind and gaze still focused on the empty hall, she absently followed.

I know what I saw. I’ll just have to investigate at lunch.

She snatched her arm away from Mason and made her way to her desk. She took her seat next to Emily, who greeted her with a bright smile. She reluctantly smiled back as she removed her book bag from her shoulder and placed it on the floor. Faint whispers were silenced as three taps against the chalkboard filled the room. Students situated themselves in their seats and directed full attention to the teacher.

She was a woman who Ember decided to be no older than 30 but no younger than 25. And yet, her demeanor and wardrobe gave credit to someone much older. Her crème complexion shone in the sunlight shining through the white blinds covering the windows. She wore a silk blouse, black skirt, and black pumps. Her amber hair had been pulled into a tight bun. Ember respected her as a teacher; but hated math.

“Good morning class”, she greeted with a smile slightly bigger than the ones she normally greeted with. Ember attributed it to the fact that this was the last day of school.

“Good morning Ms. Blake.” The class greeted in perfect harmony. This was something she personally tasked herself with over the school year. Ms. Blake reached into her desk drawer and pulled out a black and white composition notebook she used as her role call book.

“Emily Spencer.”

“Here” Her hand threw itself up.

“Mason Grove.”

“Here” His hand flew up.

“Ember Robinson.”

“Right here” She threw her hand up.

“Rachel Manson.”

“Over here.” A sweet voice sounded from the back of the classroom.

***

“I think that takes longer and longer each day” Ms. Blake remarked upon finishing the last name. Brief chuckles resonated throughout the classroom.

“Obviously we won’t be starting anything new since this is the last day of class for the next few months. So I thought I’d just give you all a quiz to make sure my lessons haven’t gone in one ear and out the other. Then perhaps if there is some time left we can discuss how you all will be spending summer break.”

She made her way around the room with a stack of papers in her hand. Each student groaned in disappointment as he/she received their quiz. Well, every student except Mason who rubbed his hands together in eagerness to start. Emily and Ember looked at each other and erupted in a quiet fit of laughter. They laughed for a few minutes before returning their gazes to their papers. She reached into her book bag for the black pouch holding her pencils and calculator. She removed the calculator and 3 pencils before returning the pouch to her bag.

“You have until class lets out which is in 45 minutes from now although it shouldn’t take that long. Begin now.”

I hate multiplying matrices. There’s too many steps.

Oh they can’t be that bad.” A deep voice suggested. Ember looked around the room for the direction of that voice. Every student was busily working on their test. The only sounds that resonated throughout the room was pencils scribbling across paper and the clock slowly ticking away. It was almost as if it was in her head.

“Did you hear that?” She whispered to Emily. She shook her head no and returned her attention to her quiz.

That’s weird.”

I can think of weirder.

Who are you? And how are you doing this?

It’s always who. That’s the first question people ask. ‘Who are you?’ As if the name is going to help them out of their situation. It gets a bit annoying.

You could always answer my other question like how are you in my head.

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

Try me.”

I’d rather let you guess. It’s more fun that way.

Unbelievable. Can you please go away so I can concentrate?

I doubt me going away will help you focus but okay… If you insist!

Are you still here?” There was no response. “He must be gone.” She returned her attention to her quiz and began scribbling on paper.

***

The sound of another chair scraping against the hardwood floor echoed in her head. That was the 15th student to turn in their quiz. Her eyes shifted to the clock: 7:40. Only 20 minutes left until class let out and she was only on number 4. The voice’s theory proved right: She couldn’t concentrate at all. She chewed at her pencil as she stared down at the problem. She knew she had to focus; however all she could think of was that voice in her head. She played their conversation over and over in her head. How the heck did he do that? More importantly, could he have something to do with that figure only she saw? She shook her head so as to rid herself of those thoughts in a futile attempt to concentrate. The sound of Emily getting up from her seat resonated in her ears. She watched as Emily placed her paper on the teacher’s desk and returned to her seat. She dropped her head to her desk.

“Ms. Robinson” Ember’s head shot up.

“Ma’am.”

“Normally you’d be finished by now. Is there something you’d like to share with the class?”

She thought for a half a second before shaking her head no. There should have been no thought whatsoever. What would she say? There’s someone talking to her in her head. There was a figure stalking her in the hall even though Mason didn’t see him and she only turned her head away from him for a few seconds. She would be branded insane by the class. She would be the subject of gossip and pranks. So what if it was the last day of school? Guaranteed the class would have an entire punch line waiting for her when she got back.

Ok Ember focus.

That’s right Ember… focus.

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Panikos
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Panikos wrote a review · Sun Nov 06, 2016 1:31 pm

Hi, Tootsie. Hope you're settling in well at YWS. I'm Pan, and I'll be frying up a review for you today.

Well, you certainly know how to write an action-packed opener. It's an interesting premise for a story, and it kept me reading, but it's going to take quite a bit of tweaking before it reaches its full potential. I think you're so excited to get to the meat of the plot that you forget to pace yourself sometimes, and that harms the realism.

A few things to note:

First, the integrity of Ember's grief. Considering that her mother has just been brutally killed, she recovers pretty quickly. Death of a family member is traumatic enough without it being a consequence of murder, and yet she's being teasing and sassy with Damian by the end of the chapter. More likely than not, she'd be in such a state of shock that she'd barely be able to think straight. She'd be in no situation to joke, and in no situation to swear calm revenge against her mother's killer. Denial comes first.

With that in mind, I'd recommend you rethink how Ember would really react to something like her mother's death. Try to sympathise with her. Grief isn't fun or easy to write, but there's no way to get around it. We need to feel the weight of what's happened to her.

Secondly, trust in your reader to infer meaning. You have a tendency to spell things out too much, and it makes your writing a little heavy handed. Take this paragraph, for example:

She drew her mother's body closer to hers, hoping she would feel a faint heartbeat beat against her aching heart. Nothing, all was quiet. She prayed, wishing it was all a nightmare that would soon end; but her prayers were denied. No relief, hope, or peace came; only anger, depression, hatred, and tears.


Resist the urge to clarify; you're trying so hard to make the reader sympathise with Ember's plight that it borders on melodrama. You don't need to tell us about how she's praying and no relief is forthcoming, and how awful the world seems to her. It would be quite enough to talk about how hard it is for her to breathe, or about the nausea swilling in her chest. The reader can infer her distress from that.

In short, my main advice is to just keep your characters realistic and trust in your reader to infer meaning from the narrative - don't spell it out to them. I hope that makes sense.

But, like I said, a very interesting start. Action-packed, dark, and full of potential. I hope you continue with it.

Hope I helped! PM me if you've any questions.

Keep writing!
~Pan

User avatar
Featherstone
Review

Excellent use of metaphor- it makes it very easy to imagine. I love how descriptive you are. You also did a great job with hooking the reader by leaping right into the story. One piece of critique: I would suggest substituting some of the 'interrogated' with words such as asked or inquired. Other than that, I think this is an excellent piece.

User avatar
Griffinkeeper
Review

Hello Tootsie! Welcome to YWS!

Reading the story made me feel as if I was walking through someone else's nightmare. Which is to say that it was pretty confusing to follow.

"Mom!" Ember screamed.

Panic devoured her as she stared at the scene before her. Sunlight peering through the light beige curtains added a sort of shine to the dark red blood that defaced the once pristine walls of an eggshell shade. Family photographs that once lined the walls lie face down on the wooden floor, broken.


Ordinarily the advice we give writers is to start off with action, add in background, then introduce conflict (which is easy to remember because Action, Background, Conflict = ABC.)

In this case though, you're thrusting us right into the middle of the murder scene. The problem with that is that we don't really have a connection to Ember, much less her mom. For the full impact of the murder to be felt, we have to develop their relationship first.

The trick to apply here is patience: don't be in such a rush to tell the story. Instead, build it up slowly. Advanced writers will use techniques like misdirection, sub-plots, and minor characters to break up the pacing of a story.

For example, if I wanted to write a chapter where a young girl (let's call her Amber) discovers the body of her dead mom, I'd outline it more like this:

1. "Let's race" says Amber. She's on a bicycle, racing her best friend Beth down the street where they both live. They're both students and have just returned home from school. (It is important to show the protagonist in a happy state, so that we can see how affected she is after we kill her Mom.)

2. Amber wins, as usual. She taunts Beth, before they split up. Beth goes to her house to drop off school books, promising to meet Amber at her house. Meanwhile Amber enters the house. (This is a fairly common experience among your readers, which allows them to relate to Amber.)

3. When Amber walks in the house, there is a stillness to the house. This is unusual, usually her Mom is there waiting for her. "Mom I'm home!" she yells, figuring that she must be in another part of the house doing something weird. (This is foreshadowing. By introducing something unusual, we create tension in the reader.)

4. There is no response, but being a typical teenager, Amber is already thinking about other things. She enters the kitchen to get a drink of water. The cute boy in Chemistry remembered her name today and Beth would probably make sure to mention it to her mom when she came over. (Here, we misdirect. We have Amber focus on something else, drawing the reader's suspicions away from what we're about to hit them with. Notice how we use Beth to great effect, even though she is no longer in the scene?)

5. She leaves the Kitchen to go into the hall, and that's when she notices the first signs of struggle. Pictures have fallen to the ground, glass shattered. Amber follows the path, absorbing the details. We pace the writing so that we spend progressively less time on each detail. If we spend two sentences on a picture, we'll only spend one on the next detail, and then start listing the other details. (This is where you started your story, but where you had to rush to fill in the details, we don't have to, because we've already set the stage.)

6. The first details are probably innocent enough, prompting the typical "Mom?" query. But when there is a sign of blood, then Amber is going to panic, racing past all the other details, to the place where her Mom's dead body is. (Notice that, even though we know things are wrong, we don't immediately thrust a dead body in front; we introduce fear and panic, before we introduce horror.)

7. When the body is discovered, we reset the scene. Where before we were making our sentences shorter (so that the reader could read them faster and thus unconsciously be drawn into the same frenzied state as the character) we now take time to describe the horror that is before her.

One thing is for sure, her Mom is dead. The method of execution isn't important, (strangled, stabbed, shot) but what is important is Amber's reaction to this. If we get that wrong, then we might as well retire into teaching English. If there is no immediate sign of death, then she might try to rush to her and revive her. If her Mom is covered in flies, then vomiting might be more appropriate. (Amber's horror, not her Mom's, is what we're looking to display.)

8. When we've finished writing the scene to our satisfaction, we bring Beth in. "Call the Police!" Amber cries to her, ending the chapter. (I think this ending is a bit weak, but the main idea is that it gives us an exit for the chapter.

I realize your story had more to it than the murder, but because the murder scene was so rushed, I got lost well before the other elements of your story entered into play. Hopefully though, by sharing this outlining process with you, you'll be in a much better position to revise your story.

Hope this helps!



As a former (and rather excellent) liar herself, Aru knew that, sometimes, speaking the truth felt like wrenching a thorn out of your side. But doing the opposite meant pretending it wasn't there. And that made every single step ache. It was no way to live.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality