It's a hot summer day in July, and the sun is burning in the sky. My cousin had flown in from the frosted mountains of Milan this August. His time here is soon to cease and we want him to relish his last few days. So we resolve to take off to the Keys.
Before the shore, before the mangrove tress that divorce the sand from the grass, there is a playground. It was your ordinary playground with monkey bars, swings, slides, and tunnels. It was constructed out of red plastic that cooked in the sun, and was sustained by blue poles stained with rust. The fluorescent red "roofs" could be spotted from a mile away. The playground was filled with a fine powder that resembled sand in every way.
My cousin was infatuated with photography. He had an obsession with recording everything. Everywhere he went, anywhere he was, he would take thousands of pictures of everything. He had numerous photo albums comprised of photographs from his travels. Photographs from the plazas of Italy, photographs of the structures of Paris, photographs of the urban life of London, photographs of the plains of the Holland, photographs of everything.
Till this day, I don't understand what overtook him that day. He feast his eyes on the playground and said, "Perfecto." That picture still rests on a wall of my living room. Whenever I have guest, they ask me, "Why the picture of the playground?" And I respond, "It's not a picture of a playground. It's a picture of my cousin."
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I loved your use of vivid verbs and imagery. Also, I like how you ended your piece by stating that the photograph in your wall doesn't represented the playground, but it represents your cousin and his passion for photography. Nice work, keep writing. Hurtado
A good little story and some parts of it even sound poetical. Maybe that's just because some words rhyme, but I think it gives it a nice flow and creates a good image. I was a little confused at first because you wrote something about the cousin's last days and I thought, is he dying?
It is a nice narrative. It conveyed the scene very clearly. But the third paragraph seems to be incomplete to me. Maybe you should add some more detail. I wonder why there is ' before "Till" in the last paragraph. Some of the words are too stereotypical.
I really liked how you used adjectives that makes me imagine I was really there!
Keep it up!
Do you always copy others' reviews and post them as if they were your own?
they are mines i read the others and get a idea of it when i get done with the story
Hi Tomorrow786!
I really liked how you used adjectives that makes me imagine I was really there! It really flowing and smooth. But what I don't understand is that, is he dying? Butall in all, I like it.
Keep it up!
A good little story and some parts of it even sound poetical. Maybe that's just because some words rhyme, but I think it gives it a nice flow and creates a good image. I was a little confused at first because you wrote something about the cousin's last days and I thought, is he dying? I think it's the way you say "his time here is soon to cease", that makes me think of someone who is about to die, rather than just going back to Italy (or wherever else).
The rest is really cute and I like the ending, it's also poetic somehow and I can really imagine how that cousin runs around with his cameras, taking pictures of everything. Very well done!
Its a good one. You write description really well. So you created a good picture with your story. Like someone else mentioned, it would be better if you used a thesaurus. Hope this helps:)
Good job!
It is a nice narrative. It conveyed the scene very clearly. But the third paragraph seems to be incomplete to me. Maybe you should add some more detail. I wonder why there is ' before "Till" in the last paragraph. Some of the words are too stereotypical. I suggest you use a good thesaurus. For example, you used the word "look" in the last paragraph. That is too common a word for writers. Writers paint pictures with their words and they use more shades. Hope you got the point.
Okay, I replaced some words, did some editing and made the third paragraph longer. What do you think?