Gasping. I can't breathe. I tried to open my eyes but was only able to for a second. I was able to make out what I was wearing and what the floor looked like. Apparently, I was wearing bright blue pants and a pink shirt. The floor and walls around me looked like the tiles you'd find in swimming pools and everything looked blue and kept moving.
I realized what was happening. I was drowning. I didn't know how to swim very well as I was always frightened of the deep side and would never go there. In my head I wanted answer to two questions.
How did I get here? And am I going to die?
I then remembered that I was swimming alone and had accidentally gotten to the deep side. All the while I was kicking and thrashing trying to get up, trying to gt out of the water. And I guess I got the answer of the second question.
Anyway, what you're reading was something that had happened last year. When I drowned and died a year ago.
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Short and straight to the point, yet effective! Maybe try to be more descriptive in the first paragraph to add extra emotion. It was there, but I would've personally liked more.
Great job!
I love the ending, it's such a plot twist. I did not expect that outcome, haha.
Heyo, Braiden here for a review on Review Day!
I thought this was rather interesting, and the ending made me go "What." XD Needless to say, I didn't expect that at all. Good twist.
Some pointers: you kind of have some problems with repetition (don't worry, I do sometimes as well). They are:
Okay, so there's three examples of repetition here. "Gasping. I can't breathe." Those two mean the same thing, so maybe just take out 'gasping'?
You use 'able' two times, rather close to each other. It sounds kind of choppy.
'Wearing' is the same case as said above.
'Trying' is repeated here, and it sounds sloppy.
'Last year' and 'a year ago' mean the same thing, so that sounds weird.
That's all I noticed; This was really good! Keep writing!
~Braiden
Hi ^^ i really enjoyed reading this! Although it was short it explained everything! I really enjoyed being able to feel what was going on.
On the other hand, i do have some things i think would help if changed.
"I wanted answer to two questions."
Try adding "an" in between wanted and answer.
Also try using italics. Show that your thoughts are your own personal thoughts.
Your details are there but are too blunt. Try using different vocabulary. Rather than describing the clothes in blunt colors use more....pizzaz. As well as describing her emotions.
"Anyway, what you're reading was something that had happened last year. When I drowned and died a year ago."
Try ommiting the anyway and don't use last year and a year ago together.
Good job and happy writing!
Hello, steampowered here with a review and to welcome you to YWS!
First of all, I like how concise this piece is. It’s a talent to be able to tell a story in only a few words, and it’s good that you don’t ramble. I especially like how you leave a lot of it up to the reader’s imagination, such as who revives the main character (if anyone does) – although maybe some additional information might be good, as there’s a bit of a jump between the character drowning and the present day. Did they actually die? Who revived them, for example, since they were swimming alone? Was it someone they didn’t expect to save them, such as a burglar or the creepy next-door-neighbour? Just a few ideas, if you wanted to expand on the story and make it more unusual.
The main thing to throw me off was actually the bit about the character not knowing how they’d got there:
and
I personally felt cheated by your opening paragraph. You have a good hook here, and you’ve immediately implied to the reader that the main character has absolutely no idea where they are or what is happening. Yet somehow, they miraculously remember they’d been swimming alone and had drifted into the deep end. Would they really just forget? To me as a reader, this feels kind of deceiving, and not really in the best sense. Generally, misleading the reader is only a good thing if you want to make the reader think something totally ordinary is happening, and then later on you reveal it isn’t quite so ordinary.
Now, if you wanted to tell the reader the character has amnesia (perhaps they hit their head or something when they dived into the pool, and knocked themselves out for a second) I think you need to make this clearer through clues, like the fact their head is hurting. As it stands, this bit isn’t really realistic enough. If you end up drowning, you probably know all along that you’ve been swimming, and you’d probably be able to tell from the fact you can’t touch the bottom that you’re out of your depth.
Here are a few ideas for maybe improving this (you can take any, or none; they’re just suggestions you could think about):
- The danger of the situation is good but you could maybe amp it up some more. Show the character’s panic more, and drag out the drama a bit so the reader has time to actually feel something for them. You could do this by writing a few more paragraphs and describe the character’s thought processes.
- Getting rescued or drowning. The character obviously either was revived or is now a ghost. So they clearly had either a death or near-death experience. Maybe you could describe what that feels like? Did they see, from outside their body, someone burst in and try and resuscitate them? I really like the ambiguity of the last sentence, so maybe you don’t need to make the outcome too obvious, but you could maybe imply whether they’re currently alive or dead?
- Was somebody trying to kill them? Did they throw the character in the pool, to make it look like an accident or something? Maybe you could make some more of this?
Anyway, it’s OK as it stands, I think, but I reckon you could make a really interesting story if you expanded it a little, put in some more action and / or gave the reader some hint of the ultimate outcome.
Hopefully this review isn’t too harsh; I can see masses of potential in this story, hence me going a little overboard with suggesting possible routes you could take to give this some more depth.
Keep writing!
-steam-