Chapter 1: Is everything about today delayed?
Don’t we all love video games they’re bright,colorful, and full of challenges. Well not when your entire life revolves around doing missions just to pay living fees literally!And all these missions accomplished I've ranked a number with 5 digits..5 digits! Well I always knew the system was rigged with the way it treats me, giving me a collection of tasks i can barely manage to finish juggling everything around, i have been non-stop doing missions and working part time on every job i could manage to snag a permit for the past 7 years and right now i hope my life gets better since keeping this cycle up won’t do me any good.
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Beep,Beep
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Beep,Beep
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Before another beep had sounded out into the room before I reached out and shut off the console lying with the pile of letters on my bedside.It’s about 5:30 in the morning and I would probably need to get up by now but the bed is the better option in my opinion right now.Well despite that reasoning i got up anyway and got ready for the day after all i have about 2 shifts today and i wouldn't be a fan for getting my pay cut off because of a late attendance.Walking down the hallway of the small apartment I resided in, I opened the fridge to the lone bagel lying on a simple plate covered in plastic wrap before I took it out placing it on the countertop beside the window.I took a seat,outside the window watching as small drones carrying packages around the city,with the sky trains causing an occasional shake of the apartment as they flew by the busy streets below crowded with street vendors,alleyway dealers, and people minding their own business passing through the dark grimy streets down below.I always wondered in my free time what those alleway dealers could be selling,’probably nothing legal’ is what i concluded too.I finished my bagel leaving my plate in the sink to handle later when i got back.Walking over to the chair in the corner near the hallway,i took my bag placing the strap around my shoulder before turning the door handle,taking the key card into my hand and walking out.Making my way over to the elevator,when i got there a piece of paper poorly taped onto the elevator door with the words [Out of order] plastered onto it. I massaged my temples in defeat as I gave in and made my way down the stairwell. After 10 to 15 minutes of traveling down all those stairs from the 20th floor I had finally reached the entrance to the building before I took a step and walked out into the busy streets of the district.
The surroundings were bustling in noise.One of the nearby restaurants was bustling with with customers,as my eyes fell to the small board beside the shop door talking about a discount of sorts on some certain product i had forgotten since I never understood the interest in those type of products.Going further down the street I stopped in my tracks,the way to the metro was blocked by officials holding back civilians as behind them was a barrier set up to block out whatever was blocking the way from the public eye. Standing beside me a bystander who seemed just as perplexed as I did,I tapped his shoulder as he turned to me “Excuse me,do you know anything about why the metro is blocked?”I said before the man spoke up “Well apparently there was a system error on someone heading down the metro a while ago which ended up causing problems.” a lot of times these system problems were mentioned on the news. I didn’t understand in what ways it could malfunction, curiosity got the better of me “What exactly would have caused this?”The man turned to me,with a blank look on his face he probably didn’t know either which as expected he replied with a simple “i don't know” I gave him an apologetic nod before walking off,Now that the fastest way to work was closed i’d have to figure a different route.
writer note- Short preview i dont have much motivation being drained but if i have enough points ill try making the next part longer TvT
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Canary word: Present
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140,255 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
I smell... dystopia. False alarm?
It's a cool story that reminded me about "The Giver", except it's about games and dailies. Looks like our boy isn't much of a gamer and is forced to grind those missions on the board, at least there aren't any gachas and ptws... or will there?
One thing I'd like to say is that some sentences seem to have no pauses in its tone, unless it was intended... For example:
"Well, despite that reasoning I got up anyway and got ready for the day'.' After all I have about 2 shifts today',' and i wouldn't be a fan for getting my pay cut off because of a late attendance."
Or
"I opened the fridge to the lone bagel lying on a simple plate covered in plastic wrap before I took it out',' placing it on the countertop beside the window."
Again, it's just my personal preference, but hope it help... on way or another. Great story, looking forward to how this continues.
The games shall begin, and be played with finesse.
Howdy! I'm Jazz and I am here to review your chapter!
I love science fiction and action / adventure together. It's my favorite type of book to read, so yours has successfully drawn me in.
The first paragraph was especially hooking, and I want to know more about his need to pay the living fees.
There are a few things that confuse me. He wakes up early and needs to get to work without being late, but sits down to eat his bagel. It would go along better with his need for money to live if he eats on the go.
Another thing that I see often in other people's work, and I tend to do myself on occasion, is misplace commas. There can be some that can be removed like in:
You could remove the comma in this sentence, and instead replace it with "as I saw that".
The comma here isn't really necessary because there's no independent clause, no complete thought and there's no FANBOY after the comma. This can be a sentence itself.
I love your world building so far! I'd like to see more of the ranking system and what it means in this society, especially how it links with video games since so far we haven't seen much of it in this chapter.
I am interested to see what comes next, especially with him being late to work! I can't wait to see more of this story if you publish more chapters, and I wish you a good day and night!
Howdy there, and belated welcome to the Young Writer's Society!
I'm a big fan of science fiction, and an even bigger fan of video games, so I was very excited to read the opening passage of this chapter! You do a great job giving just enough info to draw the reader in, but still leave plenty of questions to ask themselves; why does the protagonist depend on video games for an income? Is it rigged against them specifically, or this there a class system in place? What's life like at the top of 'the rankings?'
Though I think the opening paragraph works great in of itself, it doesn't quite flow into the rest of the chapter. This exposition is provided by Ling, but because it's followed by the blaring of an alarm, the reader infers that he is still asleep. Does this imply that Ling dreams in exposition about his life & world? If that's the case, who is he narrating it to?
We learn a small amount about Ling, and the world he resides, in the next big paragraph, and I really enjoyed reading it! However, I do feel you gave the wrong information priority; we hear about the bagel he eats, how he hates getting up early, that he leaves dirty dishes in the sink- but not his name (I got that from the works description) his appearance, what it is he actually does, or what really makes this world different from our own. Overall, it's a slower paragraph that give the reader little-new to digest.
I'm curious about the metro being delayed, and I wonder how Ling being late will affect his work. I look forward to finding out what happens next!
All this said, keep on writing, and have a great rest of your day!
Authors note:Please dont mind how short it is