Published October 8, 2012
Chloe Hallow hated clowns and the moment she laid her eyes on the invite for her neighbours clown party she was automatically frightened. She knew why she hated clowns it wasn???t just an impulse, a reaction.
It all started on a crisp winter???s day eight years ago.
It was Chloe Hallow???s 8th birthday and everyone was having lots of fun, the clown act was on and he was very funny.
When the clock chimed 2 o???clock everyone left and the day had come to an end. Of course Sophia and Emma had to stay, they were Chloe???s best friends, the clown also stayed because his car broke down. Something was odd about the way they looked at eachother, her mum and the clown. It was unnerving, like her mum was frightened of the clown but she couldn???t pull away.
Of course a sleepover was necessary so when they all woke up together at once they squealed with happiness, but something was wrong there was no smell of bacon and eggs wafting from the kitchen, no sound of Chloe???s younger brother Josh???s music blasting from the speakers and no Mum wanting to wake them up bright and early. They went to check it out but soon regretted it, the main bedroom door was locked and there was blood on the door handle.
The three girls broke through and discovered three bodies, Chloe???s mum, Josh and Sophia???s mum. Stab wounds on the two mums at the neck, chest, head and abdomen, while Josh had been suffocated in his sleep. They were horrified at the sight, Sophia and Chloe broke down into tears while Emma just stood there unable to move. The neighbours heard the wailing of the girls and ran over, as they took in the bloody sight, they called the police. When the police arrived Chloe???s father, Mr Jonathan Hallow, was missing presumably dead. Chloe and Sophia were forced into foster care.
Eight years later Chloe Hallow was still having nightmares about the tragedy that had struck Sophia and herself, they were orphaned forced to live with family???s who didn???t really understand what it was like to live in fear. At least they still had eachother to lean on and although Emma had killed herself a few years after the incident ,due to the nightmares captured from that moment, they still felt her presence in times of need.
So when Chloe received the invite she was frozen in her spot she was contemplating on whether to go or not. It was an opportunity to finally overcome her fear of clowns but it just seemed so unrealistic to sit there like a happy 16 year old girl and laugh throughout the whole clown show.
She decided to go and if she freaked out she would run to Sophia crying in her arms sobbing until she???d forgotten her situation.
When the party came around she was happy, not for the clown and not for herself but just to interact with others.
As soon as she saw the clown she was scared straight, her stomach was doing backflips, somersaults, everything imaginable but she couldn???t move she was drawn towards the clown.
So she stood there, suddenly an overwhelming urge to tackle the clown came over Chloe, so she tackled the clown.
Her senses came back to her and she realized that she???d ruined a little girl???s party and probably broken a few of the clown???s bones. However the kids squealed with joy thinking it was all part of the act.
She stepped back and thought, at least she hadn???t ruined the party but the poor clown, she???d hurt him. Chloe ran over and said how sorry she was to the clown, he was a nice clown and he accepted her apology and asked for her name, what was then to come frightened Chloe, once she said her last name he smiled, but it wasn???t a happy smile it was a sinister, evil smile. The clown asked Chloe if she had a birthday party with a clown before and although she was trembling she nodded, the clown accepted this fact and laughed, as he walked away Chloe felt paralysed.
Later that night Chloe was on her way home, as she was walking she heard rustling behind her, she started walking faster and tried to convince herself that it wasn???t the clown but paranoia struck in and she ran. The thought of the local mental asylum rushed through her mind, what if one of them had escaped and was after her, maybe?????? maybe it was the ??????clown.
A shadow came into view behind her and it looked exactly like a clown, the long face, big feet and the big, curly hair.
So she did the only thing that she could think of, she ran. She ran to a taxi and got in giving him the money and hyperventilating in the back seat.
It was 1 in the afternoon the next day when she woke up, she had forgotten why she was scared the night before, so she got up, got cleaned and was ready to go to her new job as a babysitter.
When Chloe got to the Forster???s house, the clown was far away from Oakville or so she thought, Chloe played with the kids until well after 10 and while she was walking home a figure stepped out in front of her and grabbed her, she kicked at him and screamed, but it was useless, she was thrown into the back of his car.
Chloe was trapped in an abandoned factory and was waiting for the clown to kill her, she heard footsteps, she squealed behind her gag as he turned the corner, but it wasn???t him, it was just a man holding her purse and taking her money out, she was relieved but not by much, he could still kill her, this man didn???t look like he really cared for her life. The abandoned factory gave her no hope of escape, the scaffolding falling to pieces along with the wooden beams holding the roof up and the ceiling with ropes hanging off it.
As if on cue he spoke to her, he wasn???t going to harm her, but she could never tell anyone that this night had ever happened.
She heard an evil laugh, he was here, the clown was here in the factory, but where?
Suddenly her attacker gave a lurch forward and was driven into her by an unimaginable force. Blood rushed out of his mouth and sprayed her face, he quivered but then collapsed and fell on the floor. In his back was the weapon that had killed the man, a giant fishing hook was forced in and up his body.
He was inside the factory, something ran past and cut the ropes around her hands, she undid her gag and closed her eyes.
She didn???t want to see him in her last few moments but when she felt the tip of his blade against her neck something snapped inside her, Chloe was done playing victim, she kneed her attacker in the stomach and ran.
Chloe ran up the stairs but he was already there, she jumped from shelf to shelf of the scaffolding, but he was still already there. Just as she was about to give up the clowns head popped up out of a hole in the floor, Chloe kicked him in the head and swiped his knife and in an act of desperation she cut the rope he had climbed, as he hurtled towards the ground she swung from a rope in a complete rush of desperation and adrenaline, she hit a wall and was knocked unconscious.
As she woke up she saw the clown on top of her, his breath smelt foul and his lips were red. As she looked down at her arms she noticed bite marks, this was no ordinary person, he must have escaped from the mental asylum before he became the clown. Her previous fears coming back to her, the people who went in there weren???t normal, they were deranged in the absolute worst ways. The schizophrenics, the deranged murderers, rapists and the aggressive people who attacked everyone in sight.
She couldn???t bear to be killed, not so young. Not by him. Chloe grabbed the knife from the ground next to her and in a blind act got him right in the stomach, as blood engulfed her hands, the sweet taste of victory shot through her mouth.
Hours later at the police station she was free to go and they pronounced the clown dead.
She no longer felt in danger, when she walked down the street she was happy.
As she entered her room a noise was made behind her back, although the clown was dead she couldn???t help but wonder if he was back from the dead. As she turned on the light a shadow was cast over the wall.
As she turned around a knife was jutted into her stomach, she asked the intruder who he was and when he removed his mask Chloe had a look of disbelief on her face. The last words ever spoken from Chloe???s mouth left her lips in her last breath and that word was Dad. The intruder smiled and lifted the knife out of Chloe???s stomach. As the attacker was Mr Jonathan Hallow, Chloe???s Dad, the murderer all along.
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it was written with paragraphs. i dont know what happened
Derailey pretty much covered the bases here...I didn't understand much after the neighbor's birthday party, because everything became sort of jumbled (partly because of the lack of paragraphs, and some run-on sentences).
Nothing a bit of proofreading won't fix. Also, the pacing was a bit off; this has so much potential to be a horror/thriller, if you just took some time to flesh out the characters, build the suspense, and establish a plotline of some sort. Take some time to write about Chloe, her parents, where she lives; just something to solidify the world. Don't be afraid to draw things out in a story like this.
Keep up the good work, and let me know if you would like anything else reviewed!
I am terribly sorry, but I couldn't get through the first part of it. There were far too many errors with punctuation. I scanned down the page, and it was mostly just where the apostrophes were supposed to be, but instead of the apostrophe mark, there were three question marks instead.
There were also several spelling errors, as well, but that can easily be fixed with a spell check.
Lastly, just as a bit of advice, from personal experience, people find stories more appealing and much easier to read when they are separated into paragraphs and not just a big clump of writing all the way down the page.
I mean no offense by anything I have said. I wouldn't say any of this if I wasn't trying to help. I like the whole idea of the story, and I think it could be something really great, but there are problems that need to be fixed. =) Good luck, and continue practicing.
yeah, i wrote it with paragraphs and apostrophes but the website made it like this. i have no idea how to fix it