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Beautiful Nightmare - The Next Best Thing

by ToasterRofl

Smile sweetly dear, in the way you always do, and I'll let it crush me in the way it always does, so I can still dream of that smile being directed at me, in the way it never will.

Don't get me wrong, for simply because you are my hopeless obsession doesn't mean I cannot find new love, it just means I can never adore a person as I adore you, since you still hold the biggest piece of my heart, and I still dream about you while asleep next to her.

In a way, it is the hopelessness of this obsession that allows me to love another while I reach out to you forever, because it makes me realize that nothing will ever come of the spark I thought I felt on that day we first met.

Sometimes I look back to then, and reflect on those extinct conversations we had just to get my daily dose of heartache that I have come to accept as the next best thing to actually sharing love with you, and sometimes, like right now, I sink into a corner and bleed out my thoughts onto a page for nobody to read, as if writing to myself could ever solve my problems.

I've stopped trying to let go, and I've realized that I won't soon be getting out of this whirlpool of insanity that I am drifting softly on, like the ice flow on the bay that I so desperately wanted to ride out past the horizon and drown alone as it melted away.

The only thing keeping me in this world is the hopeful fear that you might actually miss me when I go, as if you cared, or knew.

What you don't realize is that every lyric comes back to you, but there aren't enough rhyming words to put in a song for it to mean anything more than the fact that I can get emotional and sing through my tears behind a closed door in the middle of the night, still hiding from you, my beautiful nightmare.

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1464 Reviews

Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:12 am
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JabberHut wrote a review...

Hi, Toaster! (lol, I love your username, by the way.)

Anyway! Happy Review Day!

I like this piece a lot. I can definitely feel the speaker's voice and what he's trying to say. It was well put out, and there were very lovely moments to help reinforce his position. Very awesome!

I don't really have any specific spot of concern. In fact, I have two (well, one and a half) notes, and then I'll just leave. 'Cause this piece is very good!

Firstly, I don't get iiit. I mean, why did the main character get separated from his first love? Why is he stuck with some other chick that's just not doing the trick? I wish there was a hint or two to help figure that out. When I finished this piece, I was a little upset that the MC was being stupid. xD Why won't he just go see her?! *flail*

So building off that, my second (or half) point is that there was a lot of description that made me foggy-eyed. I admit to losing interest once in a while, but I'd quickly come back to the piece. Still, I was losing interest, and that's because the story wasn't being enforced very well.

It felt very much like a letter (which I imagine was its purpose) or an anonymous blog. So it didn't really serve any purpose besides telling the reader that, hey, he's heart broken and can't fix it~

Lastly (this just occurred to me), I don't get the "beautiful nightmare." Why is it a nightmare when the MC himself described it as a dream? That seems silly! I get the beautiful part since the MC is rather captivated by this one person. I didn't get any references to nightmare though, so I'd rethink that bit.

I like this piece, though. You should totes write a song to accompany this, sort of like a part two or a combination piece. I'd love to read the lyrics if you decide to! :D Anyway, well done. Like I said, not much to comment on! It was very beautiful.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Spoiler! :

ToasterRofl says...

Ayooo! Thanks for the review! As for the foggyness and confusion, I was kinda just really bored/sad one day in class and just kind of wrote this down, then I was like, "hey, I haven't even posted on YWS yet, might as well!" So yeah, it wasn't really meant to be structured or anything, and I was sort of being spontaneous and impulsive, and this whole thing has a long back story that explains it all, but I haven't bothered writing it down :p

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60 Reviews

Points: 5400
Reviews: 60

Wed Jun 20, 2012 9:26 am
HorriBliss wrote a review...

Man, this was a heartbreaking piece, a lover who can't move on, but has to - I liked it :D
There's little I can say in ways to improve this piece other than a few grammar slip-ups here and there which I'll highlight below. Other than that, this was an excellent piece and I hope to see more :')

"in the way you always to" - should read: "in the way you always do"

"and I still dream about while asleep next to her." - should read: "and I still dream about you while asleep next to her."

"I reach out for you forever" - I could be wrong here, but I think this line should read: "I reach out to you forever", "for you" works, but personally I think "to you" reads and flows better, but the choice is entirely yours!

Like I said, great piece, a little tweaks here and there would make it a lot easier on the eye, but other than that, well done, and keep it up! :D

ToasterRofl says...

Hey thanks for the review! Yeah, the first two were just typos, really, and you`re right about the third, it should say "to you". Thanks again though!

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155 Reviews

Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:26 pm
Toboldlygo wrote a review...

That's really sad... But I liked it! It was well written and obviously you wrote the way you either feel or would feel in this situation.

I'm not sure what you meant when you wrote: "and I still dream about while asleep next to her." It's prob'ly just a typo, but I think you should go back and clean that up so that we can understand it. Other than a few other spots that could be cleaned up to make it make more sense, it's great. :)

ToasterRofl says...

Yeah, thanks, there were a few typos here and there and I'll go back and fix them, it should have said "dream about you" :)

“Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”
— Richard Siken