Kaia stared longingly at a paper nailed to a post for the second time. It read, “All royals from the five domains will attend Prince Henrick’s eighteenth birthday congratulatory ball. Any non-royals present will be arrested and thrown in jail.”
She let out a sigh. All her life Kaia had wanted to be somewhere other than the streets, to taste food other than the scraps she found, and to be free from the title she held. Kaia slouched her shoulders with resigned defeat and backed away from the sign only to bump into something.
She spun around. “I’m so sor-”
Kaia was cut off. “You watch where you’re going, muck!” snapped a well-dressed woman whose hair was drawn up in a bun and cheeks were powdered with make-up. The lady turned away and continued along the stone road.
Fierce indignation burned inside Kaia. If I was a royal you would have apologized. Since the ball was only twelve hours away, the entire city was crawling with royals. Their taut faces matched their tight dresses and suits as they marched down the streets with looks of superiority. “We’re better than you,” they seemed to say. “We have money.” It didn’t help that there was a total of twenty-three kingdoms in the five domains, each with its own group of kings, queens, princes, or princesses to bring.
Fixing her dirty blonde hair into a ponytail, Kaia strolled toward the market place. Muck, she thought. They’re so rich and powerful they can’t even call us peasants.
Her attention was caught by the sounds of the bustling square. Buyers scrambled over to their favorite shops where store keepers happily awaited them. The livestock auction space was full of bidders ready to shout out any number to get the fattest pig. Kaia was too distracted by the colorful displays of the hat booth to notice she was nearing the bakery.
The rich scent of freshly baked bread washed over her, and her stomach groaned. Kaia desperately wanted to stuff her face with the cooked loaves, but she knew the price of thievery, and did not wish to pay it. Instead, Kaia whisked around to the back to where the burnt and molded pieces were thrown away. Picking out the least spoiled scrap, she went back to the center of the market place.
Kaia plopped the morsel into her mouth, sat down at the edge of the square, and watched everyone hurry from shop to shop with urgent, rushed faces. She gave a soft laugh. If there was one thing she had that nobody else did, it was time.
Soon, Kaia found herself slipping into a doze. Noises filtering through the air were reduced to quiet hums in the background. Minutes or hours passed, Kaia couldn’t tell, and she was waking. Rubbing her eyes, Kaia staggered off the bench and stumbled in the direction of her home. Bleary with sleep, she ran straight into girl with a bright yellow dress.
Instantly awake, Kaia jumped away and said her usual apology. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going.”
To her surprise, the girl just scanned Kaia, then, with brightened eyes, exclaimed, “Can you do me a favor?”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Heya TigerMoon, pretzelsing here for a review. I felt like reviewing this because of the main characters name,Kaia, which is actually my sister's name(except it's spelled Kaya-I like my sister's spelling better)
Anyways, let's begin shall we?
Alright so here are some nitpicks:
I would strikeout at the beginning of your sentence the: "It didn't help" because that is kind of unnecessary and disrupts the flow.
Wait,didn't you say that Kaia lived on the streets her whole life? Then she must have known where everything by memory is, right? That's almost like saying that you didn't notice that you were nearing the kitchen in your house.Plus, wouldn't the smell awaken her senses?
I understand what you are trying to say, but honestly after being hungry and without food for some time,it isn't a good idea to stuff yourself. In fact,it's not even logical. When you or me are sick and we almost don't eat anything for a couple of days, because of no appetite, after that we slowly implement amounts of food.
Even if you are sleepy and you or I woke up, I think that we would see a bright yellow dress in front of us, no matter how sleepy we were. This just doesn't make sense that Kaia didn't see her. Do you know what I mean?Also since she just woke up, why would she runinto someone? I know that when I wake I slowly start walking.
Also with your genre labels, so far I am seeing absolutely no fantasy. If you want to implement that then you can introduce the setting and that there is something fantastic or magical or different about this world, if you know what I mean.
I want more information about Kaia. Show me how poor she is. What does she wear,where does she live, how much does she eat, does she have any family,etc. That all helps us imagine her situation better, because right now I can't imagine her situation. Most of us aren't that poor, and live in comfortable houses. So I can't relate to Kaia, I feel no connection to her.In my eyes she is just another beggar and dirt-poor person. How/why is she different from everyone else?
When she bumps into that rich lady the first time, do either of them get knocked down onto the pavement? Do either of them get hurt or is it just a light brush? If the last option that I gave, why is the lady making such a big deal? Maybe her arms were loaded with shopping bags and they fell down into the mud? Just throwing out some possibilities.
That's it from me. I hope that this helps you improve your story. As always I truly encourage you to keep on writing!
Hello, Whosabell here for a review.
I want to guess! teacher pick me! pick me! I know what's going to happen!
*Raises hand
Yes young student?
She will- oh wait, I forgot I was writing a review. On to it now!
I love Kaia already, and I hate the royals. They seem snobby.
Except for the yellow dress girl...She's promising....*giggles uncontrollably.
Oh, I think that she will get a chance to go to the "Congratulatory Ball" *stifles laugh at weird name.
But PLASE please keep writing this story because I LOVE it with a capital L!
So, please don't let me down, and FINISH.
Becuase god knows I need a good romance right now because of my (sadly) single status.
Thank You, Whosabell. <3
This is PerfectWeapon reviewing live from a unknown location: Ok, so this story has an amazing plot, and story line! The girl has to suffer from being poor, and not having what she wished she had like the "rich" people in the domain.
The only thing I did not like was the the fact you used Kala and she way to often. Other than that I like the writing. My only question that seems to appear vividly is, Where are her parents, or family? The story is an amazing idea, and I can only imagine what will happen later!
Please Please write more for this!!!!
Hello, TigersMoon, here to review!
You have got an interesting plot here and you're already creating an empathetic character, by giving Kaia a poorer status in this world. I also think it's very relatable because a lot of people are affected by class and wealth, and even though it's not always to this extent, in some way emotionally, it can definitely feel so.
I thought that too many of the sentences started with 'she' or 'Kaia' so it became a bit tedious to read towards the end. As it's not in the first person I understand that it's hard to control this but I think you should vary the way you start your sentences a bit more to keep it interesting. You could also think about revealing more of Kaia's thoughts rather than just telling them, it'll allow us to learn more about her character.
This was one of the examples where you were telling, not showing. However you did show by saying that they wore suits and expensive clothing. So rather than saying the sentence above, you could talk about how they walked- probably with their heads held high not caring about anyone else; how they talk too. This will let the reader create their own opinion of them, rather than you saying 'they wore suits and so they think they're better than everyone'.
My last point is a question, I didn't really understand why everyone was going from shop to shop and they were in such an urge to do so. Maybe you could explain that a bit more clearly. I think generally in revealing things about this world, you've done a good job not to share too much, but enough to keep the reader hooked. However, I don't really understand this shop thing. In terms of description, I thought there could be a tad more just around the MC's surroundings, like more about things like the bench. Was it uncomfortable? How big is 'the square'? etc.
That's all from me, I think your story has a good plot, but you just need to think about the way you've written it and possibly adding some more descriptions. I hope this helps, feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything (and please le me know when you post more!). Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Hello TigersMoon,
Myjaspercat here for a review
Before I begin telling you everything I didn't like or that I think should be worked upon, why not start with the positives. I think that this piece is rather interesting and has amazing potential. But like always, there are things that every writer should work on based off of what they write and where they want to go. So, on with the nit-picks...
1.) "Kaia stared longingly at a paper nailed to a post for the second fourth time."
----Now, I know Buggiedude2340 already mentioned this but it never hurts to hear something twice. When you think of a number stick with that number. However unlike Buggie, I disagree with putting that number at the front of the sentence (not that I am saying they aren't right either). It just makes more sense (for me) to leave it as it is.
2.) "All her life Kaia had wanted to be somewhere other than the streets, to taste food other than the scraps she found, and to be free from the title she held"
----There are two things that I think could be looked upon in this sentence. For one, it would be better if you elaborated more. Instead of telling us all that she wanted better show us (i.e. instead of tasting scrapes you could say something like 'to taste food other then the rotting pieces of meat I would sometimes find.) this gives your reader more to think upon and to imagine what is really happening in the story. And second, tell us about the title Kaia holds (I'm pretty sure she isn't royal based off of has been said) but it would be nice to know what she is exactly. Is she a peasant? Orphan? What.
3.)"“You watch where you’re going, muck!” snapped a well-dressed woman whose hair was drawn up in a bun and cheeks were powdered with make-up."
----The dialogue here doesn't seem right to me. Pretty much every story I read where there are royal people, the women are never really 'dis-respectful'. They are always respectful (even when they don't want to be) and they strive for perfection. So this piece of dialogue seems a little out of character. (unless your royals are very snotty and rude) So remember to make your characters seem realistic. As well, try to describe the look of the woman more. Instead of just telling us her hair was in a bun and she had make up on, describe it. Is her hair a messy but cute bun? Is it a braided bun? What color is her lipstick (if she wears any)? Does her makeup look a little over done?
Overall, those are the top three that I think could help with the rest of the piece. To touch you up on some of the concepts: Show don't Tell, Make your Characters seem real and above all believe in your self. This is your story and this is only advice that I can give to help you improve. So good luck and Continue writing. ----Myjaspercat
Yo! Buggie here for a review.
Once you decide which number you'd like to keep, might I suggest moving "for the second/fourth time" to the front of the sentence? It simply flows better that way.I shall start with the nitpicks.
I would split the paragraph into two between these sentences because while they both have to do with royals, the first deals with 'if's and apologies, which has very little to do with the ball.
Rather than "and she was waking" it might sound better to use some word which makes her seem more reluctant to wake up. She seemed rather groggy in the next sentence, after all. Also, you would not separate those parts with commas, but with long dashes.
Onto the broader spectrum:
Your action lies very much on the 'tell' side rather than the 'show' side. Some of the verbs are very strong, (jumped, scanned, plopped) but many others involve thought-based emotion. And while it is nice to get into a character's head, emotions sound more alive when described through the face and body.
In other business, you already have good flow. I could read and understand quite easily, and you have nice sentence diversity. I'm not found of cliff-hanger endings, and believe this could have included the new girl's favor, but you still picked a relatively good place to end.
I hope you have good luck with this piece!
-Buggie
Hi TigersMoon.
I thought this piece was rather interesting.
The only thing I noticed wrong is that 'dose' should be 'doze'.
That's all. I'd say this piece deserves 8.5/10 stars.
~Swiftfur