Young Writers Society

The idea for the scene was good, but it needs some work.
There isn't really much description in this story, you need to be more detailed about things such as what the characters and scenery look like and more descriptive about the conflict between the person and the dragon.

Maybe lengthen the scene out a bit, it would definitely help with making it more suspenseful (if you wanted suspense in it). You could make a few things happen between the time he land then is attacked and/or stretch out the scene where her wings are sliced off. Also, you should use use stronger descriptive words to make the scene where she loses her wings then is pushed off the mountain seem more horrific.

For example, you could say, "He brings the blade's sharp edge down on her wings, ripping past her scales and through the bone, splattering a thick red across the ground and coating his knife. The dragon leaps to it's feet, letting out a agonized roar, blood pouring from the stubs on her back. Before she can attack the man shoves her, sending her stumbling over the edge of the cliff. The last thing she hears is him say, 'Try flying now' with a malicious sneer." or something, but in your own words, it just needs to be more descriptive and have a stronger choice of vocabulary that really puts an intense picture in the reader's mind.

And in this sentence "Nothing can stop her; only the aching in her muscles after flying all day." using a comma would have worked better than a semicolon. Semicolons are used to join together two independent clauses that are closely related in what they are talking about. Commas are used after introductory clauses, phrases, or words that come before the main clause. In your sentence a comma would have been the grammatically correct punctuation to use.

Again, the idea itself is good, and could be great, it just needs some work.

......That's brutal, Tigerlilly. Personally I would never do that to a dragon despite my choice of avatar. This story needs a bit more explanation, in my opinion. Who is this guy? A psychopath? A dragon hunter? A vengeful hero? Why was he tracking this dragon? I did love the description of the dragon's scales, though. I also liked how you worked in the title at the end: "Try flying now." Nice touch. I would love to see this story turned into a book or a longer story! Great job overall!

Hello again, tomodachi! (friend)

Just Jen dropping by to slip you a quick review on your... uh... relatively plot-twist filled story. Um. Okay. That ending... though..... Uh.... okay.

Anyways, your story was very cute (Jen holds no responsibility to how she butchers the word 'cute'. Jen is weird like like. Please forgive and forget.). The plot twist at the end certainly took me by surprise! However, I liked it. This story is very unique, and I quite enjoyed the little shock! XD

Anyways, allow me to point out a few minor details. The first sentence of the story goes: "Scales glimmering in the deep blue sky, a beautiful young dragon soars." It might just be because I've been cramming too many poems into my brain today, but it sounds like a line that should be used in freestyle poetry. Maybe try adding "with" at the very beginning? "With scaled glimmering in the deep blue sky, a beautiful young dragon soars." It sounds slightly more short-story-ish, and not really like a poem, where grammar can be ignored in times like that.

Another point is: "Nothing can stop her; only the aching in her muscles after flying all day." Again, it's just a minor detail, but I feel like using a semicolon to separate the two clauses is a little... choppy. A semicolon is for two independent thoughts, and should be treated like two different sentences (most of the time). Therefore, when I read this line (mentally), I paused a little after reading "nothing can stop her". And when I went on to read the next clause, it kind of bothered me, since it should be connected to the first clause but seems oddly disconnected. How about, "Nothing can stop her except the aching in her muscles after flying all day." Or, if that doesn't fit the context, try "Nothing can stop her (except the aching in her muscles after flying all day)." Personally, I would use parenthesis. However, I do know that a lot of people tend to eschew them, so if you are one of those people, get rid of the parenthesis and insert a dash in between the clauses. Well, change it as you see fit, I'm just pointing it out.

Also, I have a suggestion to further shock your readers. You can try adding more descriptions of the scenery, and making it sound extra peaceful. Distracted by fanciful words and a false sense of harmony, the readers will be extra dumbfounded when they reach the plot twist at the end~~~ Also, thanks for the tip you gave me earlier about diction. I will keep working hard on that!

Overall, I found your story creative, amusing, cutely written and skillfully crafted. Just pay more attention to minor details, and add more descriptions for the setting. I'm looking forward to reading your short stories again~

Sorry, this is a minor mess-up on my part. Please look at my other review ^ ^'

The story is very, very short. I thought this is more of a bed-time-story kind of tale; a story where a moral lesson is about to emerge, but I'm mistaken. Don't get me wrong. I can see that you can write a good story, but I just don't know the point of this one that you write here. I mean the man just removes her wings for what reason? To what end?

Your tale doesn't have to be very long. It must just have enough detail for your readers to follow your intended story. This could be a good bed time story, I guess, if there is just a little more back story on why the man wanted to cut off the dragon's wings and kicked her into the cliff.

That's all I can say. XD I'll give this 2.5 out of 5 stars.

You have talent, so keep writing please. XD

That took an unexpected turn. When I read the title and 3/4 of this story, I was expecting some sort of optimistic, moving ending. It was unexpected but I did really enjoy it. I only wish that the story could have been a bit longer so the transition from this beautiful, free dragon roaming the skies without a care in the world to her falling to her death after a man murdered her. I suggest working on transitions so the reader isn't all "woah whaaaaa?????" I did really like the meaning and the message behind the story so that area doesn't need to be touched on. Your descriptions are pretty awesome too so good job. I pretty much loved the whole thing just work on the minor details.

Keep on writing!

Dragonrider

Very clever! Your writing is astounding, I love all the detail you put into it. I can tell you have worked very hard on this. Putting a lot of thought and piecing it all together.
This is just my opinion when you said
" He gently pulls a long curved blade from his belt,"
Instead..
From his belt he gently draws a long curved blade.

Again, it is only my opinion just to me it sounds a bit smoother. That was really all that bothered me. I hope you will wright a sequel to this one. Keep it up, and good luck!

Ooh! That was a little... Hmm? How could I say it? Cruel? Evil?

The setting up towards the end was amazing. The beautiful imagery was so detailed and straight to the point. I could imagine it exactly. It was calm and nice, but then it built up to the cruel ending, which I thought was a great twist.

This almost doesn't sound like a story - but now that I think of it deeply, it's almost like a fable, with a moral. Except the moral isn't quite as obvious in this one, and there's no direct "The lesson you learned is..." I think it's really nice. THe hidden message is awesome in here (kind of like what the reviewer below me said).

I thought it was a little short, or at least maybe give a little clue or foreshadowing of what the man did that for? Because this way, it almost seems a little pointless (with the cruel-ness added to it, of course) and I'd like to see a little more. But, I'm a very curious person and I'd love to see what you could Come up with, so that could be a big part to this criticism too.

Anyways, I thought this was awesome!
Great job, keep writing!

~ EternalRain

That's so mean! I think I understand what your trying to say in this story though. When someone bullies another person, it hurts so bad. This man cuts the dragon's wing, and it can no longer fly. When someone bullies another person, they mentally die on the inside, like being pushed off of a cliff.
Anyways, I really like this poem. There's a lot more than the naked eye can see. Good luck, and press on!