Young Writers Society

Hello Tigerlilly37,
even though I am not against abortion I have to say that I found this poem moving. I am someone who is (as I'm sure most people are) against any cruelty towards children. Innocence is a fragile thing to easily stolen. I guess I haven't ever thought of abortion as taking away a child. But as you said yourself the outside world is 'unforgiving', I believe an unborn fetus is better off unborn than in this world. ANYWAY, this is a tricky topic that I don't wish to get too deep into.
I liked this poem, I liked the way it flowed and it was nice to read. The structure was great, starting off light then getting more sinister towards the end only to end with sarcasm. I thought the last like "It can't even speak" was an interesting choice. A fetus can't do a lot of things, was there a particular reason you chose speaking or was it just random? Maybe because it can't tell us it's suffering or? well whatever it is, I'd be interested to know.

Great poem and keep writing.
-plathonstone

Hello, tigerlilly.

If I'm being honest, which I am, I felt the same way about this when I was your age. Because I didn't understand. I hope you understand what is right some day.

This poem is a self glorifying column that does nothing to sway the other side. I'm assuming that's the purpose of the poem. By whining again about how a fetus is alive and it's "oh so innocent!" you do nothing to show the other side that there is something worth anything about being pro-life. There is nothing here that even makes me feel anything because it's been done a million times.

In order to convince the other side that "abortion is bad" or whatever you believe, you need to use an argument that they would understand. While I am pro-choice, I am pro-choice because I believe that women need to have bodily autonomy when pregnant. That they can do what they want with their bodies. A fetus is part of that. While I would probably not get an abortion myself because yes, they are terrible, I believe that it is a right that women should have. Now what you have to do is convince me somehow that abortion is not a feminist idea. Probably not going to happen, but this is true for all arguments of this sort. Convince whoever that what they believe in doesn't go with their overall ideas and you've got them. Or at least you've begun to sway them.

I noticed that you said that "most abortions are made because the child is simply an inconvenience to the mother." How do you know this? Do you know anyone who has had an abortion? Or are you simply regurgitating the conservative rhetoric that you've heard on TV? Take a second and think about it. Do you think that women are just waltzing into the clinic, handing over more than $500 dollars with a soft and sweet voice, and walking away without any remorse? Someone once said, "A woman does not want an abortion like she wants an ice cream cone, a new dress, or a Porsche; she wants an abortion like an animal caught in a trap wants to gnaw off its own leg to escape.” Abortion is not the first choice. It is a last resort.

On the poem front, use more vivid imagery (include ALL of the five senses), and break your lines on strong words. As in, don't end a line on "it's" or in the middle of a phrase. A common complaint throughout the comments below include the fact that you use innocence and its variants too much. I agree. Also, make sure you're always using the right "it's."

as it's
drug from its only home

Hey TigerLilly,
this is excellent.

I love what you did with this. I mean, it's such a complex topic and there are so many 'what-if's' and 'but's' and what not. But you just crushed them all. I swear, I've never felt more strongly about this topic than I do right now. You would make a greatly poetic debatist (is that what they're called? Can't be 'debate person'...) if you ever chose that route. But I would never think that you should, because this is pure, natural poetry. It's something you clearly care about and that's evident in the way that the piece poured out. There was no flaw in the flow, no misunderstandings or grammatical tumbles... There was no falter in your attempt to express yourself, and because of that you did it really, really well. The only advice I could give you is to keep writing like this - passionately. Every time you write get into that focused mind-set because when you do (apparently) the result is incredibly powerful.

Also, great topic you chose to write about, I hate when people avoid writing things for confrontational issues - these things need to be written! And by the way, just on an edit - if you felt it was a good idea - maybe add in a stanza at the very start (kind of like your finish at the end) describing a boy's life. Maybe he's a teen, or a ten year old - whatever. But describe it, in not too much detail (you don't want it too long, I'm sure) but with just as much passion as the rest of the piece. Then at the end say - obviously in a more poetic way than I am here - that the life doesn't exist. Then without any explanation delve straight into the main body. JUST a suggestion, if you don't like it don't do it

Hoping I helped, because your piece was the most powerful I've seen in a while. So much truth, so raw Please continue to write with such passion, it really is what makes a poem.
Yours in ink,
TS.

Cakerissa here!
This is a good poem, Tigerlilly37! I really liked all your imagery. It's probably just me('cause I'm extremely innocent-minded) but I was a little confused on what the vacuum was. This is what happens to so may different babies. I loved how you decided to go deeper into the topic and write from the baby's point of view. And how you threw in that little hint of how the mother had a hard love life, "An innocence wrapped up tight, dependant upon this woman who refuses to be a mother." For grammar, you spelled dependent wrong. Keep writing!
Cakerissa

Hi there. KingQueenKnave here, and it's time to look into this poem of yours. It is about abortion, which is a controversial topic. You offer your side of the controversy by voicing your opposition to abortion, declaring that the baby is innocent. You are also brutal in your final line, offering how you view those who support abortion.

Personally, I support a woman's right to abort a pregnancy at the first twelve weeks of pregnancy. I support the choice, but I'm not exactly happy about the abortion process, and I oppose it when a woman decides to abort late in the pregnancy. That is my stance of the issue, and that will influence my review of your poem, which is in opposition to my view. That is inevitable.

Now, your first mistake is that you use the words innocence and innocent way too much. It really detracts from your poem and presents your argument to be incredibly weak. "Babies are innocent!" "What else do you not support about abortion?" "Uhh...babies are innocent!" It's just an example of circular logic. Secondly, you are assuming too much of the mother. There are varying reasons why women decide to abort their pregnancy, perhaps due to medical reasons or because they cannot afford it or because they were raped, and you do not touch on any of those issues.

Now, this poem wasn't entirely bad. In fact, your language and style are very eloquent and rather beautiful in places. Take the use of "monstrous vacuum", or the "little cave of flesh". Those moments are really lovely.

However, what cannot be ignored is your straw-manning of those who are pro-choice. Again, like mothers who decide to abort, you paint pro-choicers under the same brush as ignorant and materialistic. What's more, I detect a bitterness in your tone with that last stanza. The problem with your generalisations is that they have no place in a work which tries to tackle a controversial issue.

I admire you for offering your perspective and I think you are a good writer. However, from a personal standpoint, I disagree with you too much to enjoy this poem.

I'm not going to comment on the topic you've chosen, since it's very political, so we'll just focus on the poem itself, yeah?

An innocence awaits,

That place inside her is all it’s ever known,
burrowed in the flesh and tissue; it’s only refuge

Tigerlilly,

This is amazing. This is awful. I don't know how to respond. You took infanticide, abortion, and dressed it in beautiful words. You took a problem in society that is so covered up with excuses that most people just ignore it, and you pushed it out into the light. I love the honesty in this piece. Thank you for having the courage to speak out.

The last lines were especially powerful. They left me with tears in my eyes. The trust the baby feels before it is killed really impacted me too.

Keep writing,
Joy

Hey there! *trumpets sounding* Its Ravens here for a review!

To start off, well done You made the feeling of the poem circulate perfectly around the child inside the womb and I could hear it and feel it- awesome!

I would like to talk about a few things though (since that is the point of a review...)

So, #1

Eyes sealed shut, its small heart flutters at the sound of her voice/ soft and sweet, a comforting melody that lulls it into a false security

That cord attached to its belly is its only means of life,
the only source of nutrients and oxygen.

A machine awaits for it at the bottom it’s home

But of course, who are we kidding?
It can’t even speak.