Young Writers Society

Hi there Tigerlilly37. I just stopped by for a quick review.
-I did not find much wrong with the poem. I still like to leave reviews when I like something.
Your poem was very interesting and definitely keeps the reader focused.
Your word choice was very vivid throughout. I do not have anything else.
Keep up the great work and keep writing.
-lizzybookclubqueen1

Hi tigerlilly37. I am not going to review this, because honestly I can't find any problems with it, so I am just going to say. Well done. The poem is excellent and well written. The rhymes work well and aren't forced. I look forward to seeing this as a book if that was what you were going for.

Hello!

You actually have really good rhymes picked for this poem. I'm really impressed with that.

So I can see why you'd want to use this as an open to a novel. It sort of summarizes either what is going to happen or what has happened in the past taking the part of a prologue. I've seen that done in books before where they stick it either in the prologue, replace the prologue with it, or even near the dedication page making it a separate entity altogether. Other books would even put one on any title page. Basically I'm saying that the idea of how to use this is there. It's done, and it can work well.

I think what's missing is the impact that this might have on the reader. As a poem, for me, it's very bland. Now, a lot of poems I read are bland because they don't have that pop that I like in poetry and that is even published work. However, I think you're getting a bit too Dickenson and need a little more Fitzgerald with this particular piece. You're using a lot of information and words and lines that you just don't need. What's the basic story? A man and woman fall in love, they have a baby, the baby is a girl but has a boy's name, the man and woman hate each other right?

Well, right now your poem is telling that, it's not showing it. Despite it being a poem, we still really want to see the conflict and nature of the people in the poem. We actually want to see some sort of action in the poem that gives us a sense of what's going on.

Let me explain; there's a poem that's super controversial now that didn't used to be which teachers love to use to insight discussion in classes when poetry is brought to the playing field. It's by Theodore Roethke and it's called "My Papa's Waltz" if you'd like to look it up, or you can click the link since I've taken the time to look it up for you: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/172103

In this poem there are two camps of belief.

Camp Love) This is really sweet. It's talking about a bonding experience a child remembers with his father.
Camp Abuse) This is a story about a drunken father who's abusing his son and the mother's too done with it all to intervene and protect her son.

Camp Love and Camp Abuse both have their stakes in basically the same words, but different interpretations. The use of "death" tells Camp Abuse that this is something he is fearful of and he finds painful or dangerous. It tells Camp Love that it's something he doesn't want to do without because he clings on like death is letting go. Either camp is supported. Either camp could be right. It doesn't really matter which is right or wrong.

But read the poem, and consider the story and how it's told. The reason there can be discussion and debate about the poem is because the story isn't saying "My father came home / he had a couple drinks / And my mother hated when he was like that / but I finally got to play with him / so I was happy for once" [Camp Love] it used the language of action, "The whisky on your breath / Could make a small boy dizzy;" which shows what's going on through the actions. It's not "I smelled whiskey on your breath" it's a comment about not only the age of the child, but the adult that could make him dizzy, and giving us context that provides an immediate beat for the poem to be read under.

The reason I say any of this is because Camp Abuse is very similar to the story that you're trying to explore. It might not be a potential case of child abuse at all, but, the mother and father are done with each other. That being said, you can take the perspective of the child, or either one of the lovers, and come up with a really interesting, provocative poem that will invite the reader into the story as a story teller instead of as an omniscient voice talking about what's to come.

There's an idea among writers that you write what you wrote in the format you wrote it in because any other format would be too much or too little, or take the wrong sort of hand. Basically, you write a novel to write about all of the details of an event. You write a poem to capture the moment and the emotion. You write a short story to capture the moment of an event when it's too long for a poem, sort of. Short stories are hard to place, but I think you understand my point. You can't summarize a novel in a poem, you have to write a poem if you're going to write a poem and an essay if you're going to summarize a novel, or a novel if you're going to share a novel.

Poems need action to have life, and I think if you get that into this poem, like, really get action instead of this ethereal hand holding, then you're going to get somewhere a lot faster in your novel. Poems are about word choice, so make each word count, and really explore what you're capable of, because I think you're still growing, and when you've really pushed into your prime, you're going to be very good at this.

And like I said, you actually have really good rhymes picked for this poem. I'm really impressed with that.

Hm. I seem to have gone on a tangent and not really been that clear about my critique. Basically, you're trying too hard. Loosen up, pick something you want to show us that shows this moment you want to bring with us through the novel, and let the novel talk for itself. A poem in front of a novel should be used to tie everything together like a snippet of the pattern that happens in these character's lives again and again, not to summarize the novel.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or want to play with poetry some time.

Aley