I’ve never been to a funeral where it hasn’t rained. I remember passing funerals in my car, on a perfectly sunny day, and I remember asking myself, “where are the raindrops,?” It was odd to me. Rain on the day of the funeral where like God’s tears…Gods mourning. As I sat in the front row of an outside funeral service I was relived that huge raindrops were falling from the sky, and mixing with my tears. This was gods way of helping us say goodbye to her, but I didn’t want to.
All I could do was stare at the big burgundy box that held my best friend, as the priest went on about how Kate was a model student, and a responsible, caring human being. All this did was made me angry. They don’t know Kate. Not like I do. They don’t know that she had her first kiss with the biggest geek in our grade when she was six, because she was the only one who thought he was cute, or that she could fit a total number of seven jellybeans up her nose, which she proved on valentines day in grade four. And they didn’t know her biggest dream was to be a professional singer, let alone know she was a good singer. That’s because these people aren’t me. I’m the only one who ever knew Kate, and it makes me sad to know that I’m the only one who ever will.
Hey guys!! this is my first piece of writing, i dont have a title yet but i soon will. Read it over and help me make it better, i want your criticism! i know i dont explain much but i did this in like 5 minutes
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay this is an interesting moment to start on here. For starters the not quite so subtle but somewhat subtle way that we learn that our main character is attending a funeral for someone they clearly seem to care quite deeply about is a pretty solid way of dragging us right into the story here, and now on top of that the way you tie this whole situation to the idea of rain and what it might represent in the context of a funeral is also quite an interesting little splash of imagery into the mix that does also help convey a bit of the personality of our character here and also how they feel being at said funeral. On the whole, its a solid start.
Well that is quite the powerful medley of memories there to end us off on. It fades away quite beautifully on this note with this chapter and so despite this being as short as it is, this feels oddly complete. I think you've done a wonderful job there in terms of really hammering home how much this means to this person and just how badly this is going to affect them. Those memories are those precious sort of treasured ones that very few know about and I think you absolutely nail it in terms of getting us to really feel some things with this. A very solid opening chapter this one. For five minutes of effort, this is really impressive.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, Tickled Pink!
Welcome to YWS. ^_^ This was a really impressive piece for a first post--you've got a really great start. Kate sounds amazing--are we going to see the jellybeans-up-the-nose in real time? XD
A few things, though:
This paragraph is really pretty, but it's kind of confusing. You mention other funeral services in passing, but then we're not certain at this point why she's suddenly at one. It would be better, "As I sat in the front row of this outside funeral service" or something such, it would be better. Clarify where you are! It will help people keep track of position better, which makes for really happy readers.
Eeek! This is definitely something you don't want to tell your readers. Critiquing's kind of a tough deal, because you're not sure whether or not it's going to be helpful. If you did it in five minutes, chances are critiquers are going to be picking up mainly on things that would have been easier for you to fix yourself. Take some pride in your work--you've got plenty to be proud of. Write, take a break, come back, and edit like mad before posting, to make sure you get the most out of every critique.
PM me when you put more up, okay? ^_^
I`m actually going to keep this as my beginning, because i need to add to it more, and make it more rounded and explanitory. So once I start explaining things it will be more satisfactory. Because i did this in literally five minutes out of boredom.
Hi,
Well, this is a good piece, but not for a beginning. I have no idea who these people are.
I can't say much, because this is how I posted my first part of Lake Girls.
I don't think you should start it off this way, something about it just doesn't make me feel for them.
I want to read more though, so keep writing.
-lg*