Young Writers Society

Also I like Calliope's character

This is super good. Your detail is astounding. I like the emotion you put into it and the way you explain Calliope!

Hi @Three_Beanz_In_A_Tux, RadDog here. Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here around the site. But with that out of the way, onto the review!

"Here's your drink!"



The man at the counter smiled warmly as he said this, eliciting a smile from the customer as well.


"Thank you, have a nice day!"

"Thanks and same to you miss."

I like this dialogue scene, it definitely is better than saying something like 'The man handed me my coffee' but I don't know what formating is going on here. Maybe its a copy and paste error but I would recommend removing some of the lines and clumping it together.

Calliope held her head down as she walked away from the counter and towards a booth in the back left corner of the bustling coffee shop. It was the only seat open and she gladly seized the opportunity to have it. She kept her hands wrapped tightly around the Styrofoam cup, the strong scent of Hazelnut wafting up into her nostrils making them tingle pleasantly.

She licked her lips as she remembered the chocolate croissant she'd purchased as well. As she walked, she made sure to avoid stepping on the feet of those around her. In the midst of avoiding the person next to her, Calliope bumped into something or rather, someone. Instantaneous tingles spread throughout her body causing her to gasp and the person she bumped into to step back as though she had burned them. Her sudden movement caused the cup in her hands to shake, causing the hot beverage to slosh harshly against the sides of it's container.

I like these paragraphs a lot. You're really good at descriptive language. It's a wonderful start to the novel. I would add maybe some inner thoughts here. Using italicization to make thoughts would help the writing flow better.

The coffee splashed over her hands and the person's chest, causing them both to yelp loudly and back up even further. Most of the cafes occupants turned to watch the unfolding commotion. Calliope looked up with frightened eyes at the person she'd knocked into. Her large brown eyes made contact with a pair of annoyed icy blue ones and inside their heads, something clicked.

"Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking where I was going and I-"

A short growl cut her off. The man huffed and rolled his cold eyes as he ran his dry hand through his long, messy black hair before he pushed passed the little elf and headed towards the bathroom in angry silence. One of the baristas then ran over with a mop and bucket in order to clean up the mess. Poor Calliope was stood trembling on the spot, practically paralyzed with fear. After a few moments, she managed to apologize to the barista before deciding to leave the cafe under much scrutiny from the other customers. Tossing her cup into the bin by the door, Calliope glanced back into the cafe and noticed that her booth had been taken by a little girl at the time of the incident.

I saw a few grammatical errors in this so I suggest running it through a program like Grammarly. This is really bringing in the world-building. I'm getting Twighlight vibes from this and I like it. I'm assuming that the person she bumps into will be an important character so I would maybe emphasize that more. What does he look like? What does he sound like?

As she walked out of the cafe and onto the nearly deserted sidewalk, she put her pastry in her messenger bag and pulled out a hair tie instead. She pulled out a packet of baby wipes and used them to clean the spilled coffee off of her now red hands. After doing so, she stuffed the used wipe into one of her coat pockets then quickly brought her dark, curly hair up on top of her head as she walked, managing to fashion it into a mostly neat bun. The elf then sighed softly, allowing herself to relax as the cool pre-winter air gently nuzzled her plump cheeks.

Once finished, she stuffed her hands in the pockets of her sweater and continued along the familiar route which was currently littered with fallen leaves of different colours, shapes and sizes. Occasionally, a flurry of wind would sweep up a few of the leaves, making them appear to dance in the breeze. A small smile graced Calliope's lips and she tried her best to push the earlier event to the back of her mind. After a few more minutes of walking in silence along the empty and seemingly endless stretch of pavement, Calliope crossed the road ahead of her and made her way into the daycare she owned with a deep sigh.

This is a great ending but again, I would recommend a grammar check. It wraps the chapter up nicely and leaves me satisfied. Honestly, I don't really have any critiques.

Overall, this is an amazing first chapter but I would try to add some to it. Everyone has there own definition of what a chapter is but in my opinion 623 words is a little shy of a full chapter. I really enjoyed reading this and can't wait for chapter two. I hope to see you around on the site, happy writing!

-RadDog

Hello Three_Beanz_In_A_Tux,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you are enjoying your time here. For the first chapter of your story, this was pretty good. There were no grammar mistakes and everything flowed nicely.

1. We got a sense of who the main character was. The reader learns that she is an elf who owns a daycare. But in these two lines:

Calliope held her head down as she walked away from the counter and towards a booth in the back left corner of the bustling coffee shop. It was the only seat open and she gladly seized the opportunity to have it.

Her large brown eyes made contact with a pair of annoyed icy blue ones and inside their heads, something clicked.

Most of the cafes occupants turned to watch the unfolding commotion.