Young Writers Society

Well, this is a late review, but just wanted to say that this is good! It is punchy, like others have said, and I could definitely get the meaning. So... nice!

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions, I will try to take all of them into consideration as I write new poems.

Hi there!

So, I felt like this poem had a lot of emotion back it up, but wasn't really able to express it in a relate-able manner. See, you built the majority of this on contradictions, blunt, bonedry without much imagery. This means that yes, for the most part, we have a vague idea of what's going on and what you want us to feel. However, we aren't really able to feel it. You aren't allowing us. You need to create an element of understanding for us through imagery and tones that we can relate to. Right now you are "telling" when we you to be "showing".

Next thing: structure. You have each line separate from one another, which creates a pretty jarring rhythm. Remember that one sentence can cross over lines; it creates fluidity, both in concepts and in rhythm.

Last thing, which is more of a nitpick than anything else. The repetition at the bottom is driving me crazy. When you use something like that and repeat it that quickly, it becomes almost distracting for the reader because they're too focused on the word. I don't know if you were simply trying to create emphasis or something, but I would strongly suggest changing it.

Overall, nice piece. Let me know if you have any questions and I'd be glad to answer them.

Your username actually is the thing that intruiged me. Your poem seems very well started, but maybe you shouldn't have broken the rhythm so much... I totally ripped someone apart for saying that about my poetry, so I understand if you're offended. I definitely like how you're stating all of these contradictions in life through your poetry. Well writ.

As stated by previous reviewers, the rythm is great. If you can condense

You say I'm just stupid
for thinking like this,

I really liked this and I can't wait to read more of your works soon...Keep up the good work!!!!! I love this and I hope to see more from you soon. The simple words leave a deep impression in this piece that I find really compelling. So good job!!! Keep up the good work and Happy Writing!!!! I hope you receive many helpful reviews as you already have, I'd point out grammar if I could see any but since I can't, I can not point any out XD. Either way this was well done albeit a bit short, Try expanding? Either way good job ^^ Best of wishes!!!
Soulkana<3

Hi there, ThornedRose. Lavvi in to review your poem for you today

I liked this: each line read with a bang. Like:

lineBAM!
lineBAM!
lineBAM!
lineBAM!

It was kind of awesome. You have skill and you know how to execute it. The only thing I'd like to bring to attention is how you wrote the stanzas. Personally, I thought it would be better if everything was divided as follows:

You say you won't leave,
You will.
(enter)
You say life is a game that has no rules,
It does.

You say I'm just stupid
for thinking like this,
I'm not.
(enter)
You say there's no point,
There is!

I think I'm done
You won't listen.
(enter)
I'm trying to give you the help,
You just won't take it.

So I say, I'm done.

Nice job. One thing, though, and I'll point it out in some of the lines.

You say you won't leave,
You will.
You say life is a game that has no rules,
It does.

You say I'm just stupid
for thinking like this, #FF0000 ">(Okay, so this contrasts a bit with the previous stanza, seeing as how there's two lines before the 'I'm not.' It kind of messes with the flow of the poem a bit.)
I'm not.
You say there's no point,
There is! #FF0000 ">(The exclamation mark seems out of place here.)

I think I'm done
You won't listen.
I'm trying to give you the help,
You just won't take it. #BF0000 ">(This stanza seems almost out of place from the rest. It just seems like an odd contrast from the rest of the poem.)

So I say, I'm done.

Hey, ThornedRose. This was a pretty short poem. I noticed a lot of commas where I would probably assume periods to be. It just felt sort of weird reading this when that became a sort of distraction to me, especially considering where there was capitalization involved. I'll point out some punctuational things here for you briefly.

ThornedRose wrote:You Say

You say you won't leave#BF0000 ">(.)
You will.
You say life is a game that has no rules#BF0000 ">(.)
It does.

You say I'm just stupid
#BF0000 ">For thinking like this#BF0000 ">(.) #0040FF ">(The reason I capitalized the "f" on for, was mostly because if that's the style you're choosing to write this in, you may as well be consistent about it.)
I'm not.
You say there's no point#BF0000 ">(.)
There is!

I think I'm done#BF0000 ">(;)
You won't listen.
I'm trying to give you the help,
You just won't take it.

So I say, I'm done.

You Say

You say you won't leave,
You will.
You say life is a game that has no rules,
It does.

You say I'm just stupid
for thinking like this, #8000BF ">capatalize for.
I'm not. #8000BF ">I love all these little short lines! They're so cool.
You say there's no point,
There is!

I think I'm done
You won't listen.
I'm trying to give you the help,
You just won't take it. #8000BF ">Try adding a 'but' to the beginning of this line.

So I say, I'm done. [color=#8000BF ]This line is great, but I'd get rid of the comma. You don't need it.color]

I like it! The words are very straight forward and it has a lot of meaning!

Heeey The lines are quite punchy and this gives the meaning more impact. I'd just say write a bit more of it. Nice work, keep writing xXx