Red mittens in blue gloves,
Holding hands in the snow,
Sheltering each other from the wind.
They walk like lovers,
But they do not sound like lovers,
Their angry, raised voices muffled softer
By the white world around them.
That cold sugar falls from the sky, landing in her hair,
and his hair.
He shakes like a dog to remove it, making her laugh halfheartedly.
She sounds like she is trying to laugh the pain away.
The laughter dies.
The silence is so loud now.
I love you, he says, but he is not sincere. His eyes find somewhere else,
anywhere else,
to look.
Love you too, she says. It sounds like an old, tired step
that she has danced too many times.
The snow is nice, she says.
I noticed, he tells her.
The silence is deafening now.
He makes a sound, like an angry cat, and
walks ahead,
His cold, chapped face scrunching in the wind.
Baby? she calls. He doesn't seem to hear.
She walks slower, not fast like she should,
not running after him, like she should.
Just slower. And slower.
Until he is a dot in the distance, and she is crying on the bench.
Red mittens fall to the ground, staining the snow like blood.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Overall, I really like this. It's interesting and beautifully worded. However, I do have a few nitpicks.
This is a tad redundant. Maybe "Their angry voices muffled" would be better because you're not repeating yourself.
I think the line breaks in this part are weird. Perhaps you could try:
I love you, he says, but he is not sincere.
His eyes find somewhere else,
anywhere else to look.
Overall, I thought this piece was lovely, especially the beginning and ending. Great job and keep writing!