z

Young Writers Society



He doesn't see me

by This_is_history


He Doesn't See Me

First Verse:
He doesn't see me,
Like I see me,
He sees me beautiful.

And he doesn't hear me,
Like I hear me,
He hears me wonderful.

And he doesn't even know me,
Like I know I am.
And maybe, that's just as well.

Chorus
Cause if he could see me
Like I see me,
He would never stay.
And if he could hear me,
Like I hear me,
He'd just walk away.
And if he could look
Deep inside my heart,
It'd tear him apart.

~~~

Ok, so all I have is the first verse and the chorus. Critique, please?

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140 Reviews

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Tue May 27, 2008 4:21 pm
Sapphire wrote a review...



With good music, I can easily imagine these lyrics on the radio. I love what you've written but I'm with chocoholic on the chorus suggestion - it's needs at least another couple of lines because it's a little abrupt at the moment. You should keep going with these lyrics!




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Thu May 22, 2008 6:03 am
chocoholic wrote a review...



I really like this. I hope you write more, it's really good. Is this your first time writing lyrics?

Okay now I'll try to be critical.

He sees me beautiful.


This line reminds me of a line of a song that I hate. It's not your fault, and you could be singing it differently to me. Perhaps change see to think, so it's,

He thinks I'm beautiful.

And the same or the other lines.

It'd tear him apart.


I feel like there should be more here. I'm not talking about the next verse, but I think you need another little bit to the chorus.

Feel free to ignore the suggestions I've made. Again, it's a really good song and it was difficult for me to be critical about it.

Let me know if you post more of it!





I'm also not sure why but even though I normally wear cool tones I have a feeling red would have been my color in the 1860s.
— Elinor