Published May 19, 2008
He Doesn't See Me
First Verse:
He doesn't see me,
Like I see me,
He sees me beautiful.
And he doesn't hear me,
Like I hear me,
He hears me wonderful.
And he doesn't even know me,
Like I know I am.
And maybe, that's just as well.
Chorus
Cause if he could see me
Like I see me,
He would never stay.
And if he could hear me,
Like I hear me,
He'd just walk away.
And if he could look
Deep inside my heart,
It'd tear him apart.
~~~
Ok, so all I have is the first verse and the chorus. Critique, please?
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Original Text:
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141,651 Literary Works • 675,339 Reviews
With good music, I can easily imagine these lyrics on the radio. I love what you've written but I'm with chocoholic on the chorus suggestion - it's needs at least another couple of lines because it's a little abrupt at the moment. You should keep going with these lyrics!
I really like this. I hope you write more, it's really good. Is this your first time writing lyrics?
Okay now I'll try to be critical.
This line reminds me of a line of a song that I hate. It's not your fault, and you could be singing it differently to me. Perhaps change see to think, so it's,
He thinks I'm beautiful.
And the same or the other lines.
I feel like there should be more here. I'm not talking about the next verse, but I think you need another little bit to the chorus.
Feel free to ignore the suggestions I've made. Again, it's a really good song and it was difficult for me to be critical about it.
Let me know if you post more of it!