Young Writers Society

What an intriguing piece of writing. At first I was a little confused at where you were going with this but obviously it seems to of gone somewhere as I can see you've written two other chapters.

"I am genius. I study all the night long, plotting, planning, perfecting. No mere nightmare is my existence. For centuries I have hunted and hidden behind a cloak of fear and superstition. Soon, I shall don a shroud of ignorance and manners. I shall wear nobility, titles and breeding, and let my preys modern thoughts convince them of my sincerity. And I shall gorge myself on their theater, their opera, their politics, their society, their history…their blood. No cross shall stop me there. I shall rule the modern world as entirely as I rule this world of ancient fears."

I think this is the best paragraph in the entire piece, each line has a double meaning, never have a read a YWS piece in such detail as yours. Once you got to their blood part I'd grasped what this story was about. The best part of this piece is that is uses an over written idea in a unique way. There are so manny twilight idea's around now it is hard to find a vampire story unique enough to be worth reading. I look forward to seeing where this story goes.

Guys, this is just my prologue. Dracula is not my main character.

Oh, well, I suppose I'll have to post in order from now on the keep you in the loop. But, please be aware that I don't write in sequence, so sometimes it might be a while between posts. Thanks.

The 2nd person approach sent chills down my spine. I loved it, because it makes the reader involved from the first sentence. I have to admit that I got a little bit disappointed when you introduced the character as Dracula, as I have read too many stories about him, but I must say you pull it off quite nicely. And I suppose that were this not Dracula, the vampire would just seem stuck up and egocentric. Dracula really is known to everyone, and you play well on that. I salute this piece and look forward to the first chapter

sigh i love YWS. Seriously their are so many talented writers who if their book was at Boarders or Barnes and Noble i would pick it up and be like, "Wow, this sounds cool." And buy it. You are one of those writers i would gladly make filthy rich buy telling all my friends to buy your book.

I really liked this piece as you may be able to tell. I'm totally not used to having books written in second person but because I've never read a book like that, it made it all the more intriguing and special. I liked the character cockiness from about the third paragraph. Ha it was sorta funny that it turned out to be Dracula because so many times in so many stories was he was killed.
I really would like to read more so PM me when you put anything else up k?

Hey there Thirst. =)

I clicked on this topic on a coca-cola induced whimsy, and was captivated by your opening sentence. Those three short words - Who am I? - are a great way to open your novel. Whatever else you may choose to change whilst editing your novel, don’t change those three words.

Onto the actual critique:

Must I explain to your feeble mind?

Come, enter my study. Forgive the atlases and guides; I have a trip abroad in mind, but I’ll speak more on that later.

I am legend.

Oh Snap! That was great:) I haven't read many stories in 2nd person, but I'm glad i read yours. It was so worth it. No grammar errors. Punctuation was perfect, and the plot draws people in. I love it and can't wait to read more.

I think the other reviewers have really said it all in just one word - WOW!
Everything about this piece draws you in, the language, the setting, the prose. It's truly a masterpiece waiting to be unraveled. I wait with baited breath for the next installment, thank you!!!

Hey Thirst,

Firstly, I must commend you on the sheer entertainment value of this piece. You write a remarkably interesting prose, and I particularly like your story. Let's see what input I can give though. Hopefully this'll help.

Thirst_23 wrote:Who am I? Surely, you should know on whose property you so freely trespass?

Must I explain to your feeble mind?

Most surely you shall know me hereafter.

Try, "For, after I have done so, there is little chance that I will remain as foreign."

Come, enter my study. Forgive the atlases and guides; I have a trip abroad in mind, but I’ll speak more on that later.

Great. You are sounding madder by the second.

I am legend. No introduction is needed for me, and he is a fool who asks one of me.

Once again, this seems a little clumsy. Try, "My name is legend. He who requests an introduction is a fool. For, even amongst most fools, my name is commonplace."

From this fortress, I rule with iron will. None shall oppose me because none can. Yet, I confess I grow weary.

Beautiful!

This place is not enough for me when there is still so much more I could rule.

Try, "My appetite grows, and after a time, as is my nature, an almost animalistic urge to broaden the horizon of my empire rises within me."

No mere nightmare is my existence.

Try, "My existence is not merely a nightmare.

and let my preys modern thoughts convince them of my sincerity.

You are missing an apostrophe in "preys". This really confused me.

I shall rule the modern world as entirely as I rule this world of ancient fears.

Once again, marvelous.

But, I do not believe she is unequal to the test.

Try clarify this sentence, "But I do not believe the test beyond her capabilities."

I must see about a house in the land I am going to.

The higher colloquial voice that you have given your character does not fit this sentence. Try, "I must also arrange my new residence."

What is a King, though, if he only rules paupers?

I suggest, "What is a king though, if he rules over only paupers." Note the lack of capitalization of king. Unless you refer to a title of an actual king, or the title itself, you do not capitalize it.

you will love me, and call my “Father” with affection.

Call me Father.

I really have no interest in letting you live any longer. Your blood calls to me. Surely you must see there is no escape. Now, I command you, remove that scarf from around your neck. Do not tremble as I sink my teeth into your flesh. It is the last pain you shall ever know.

Ahh...I bid you welcome.

Hello Thirst!
Wow, this was amazing! At first I was a bit doubtful to tell you the truth. Being actually spoken to was a bit disconcerting. However it works perfectly here.
I despise you for not making any mistakes!
I love how you made it seem that the reader was the one that was being turned into the vampire. It really got me into the piece.
Keep me posted whenever you post more of thirst!

xxmimixx

I'm not used to reading things in the second person, so this is a little different for me. I think you pulled it off very well. Writing was flawless. No gram&spell mistakes. The words flowed well together and it was really easy to read.

It was really entertaining, too. At first I thought this vampire was a little too arrogant for my taste, but then it turned out to be Count Dracula and now I like him. I'd imagine him to be something like this if we ever met. After you introduced him, I kept picturing that accent. Lol.

This was a good read, Thirst. I'd love to read more. PM me if you post more up and I'll be happy to leave a review.

Worx.