Beautiful things lie around us;
Just turn and look at it;
Days are rolling,
Yet, I'm in the same place;
My mind always wandering here and there;
It is a trap;
The thought holding me;
I'm not able to move;
Oh my god!
I'm going to lose my self;
Can you help to find my way out?
I'm seeking help from my heart;
It is asking me to follow its beat;
I'm just dancing according to its beat;
Still, I'm unable to find my way;
Next I'm seeking help from my blood;
But, I'm drowning;
Help! Help!
Thank god!
Coz it is my dream.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey there!
This is a nice and interesting poem! I like how you added second person to engage the reader in the poem. I have a few things I'd like to point out. These are just suggestions, so of course, you don't have to listen to them!
You use a great number of semicolons at the ends of your line. A lot of them can be replaced with periods or commas if you'd like punctuation to still be there, but honestly, you could just take out the punctuation entirely. Basically, I wouldn't recommend so many semicolons, but this is just a suggestion!
"It is asking me to follow its beat;
I'm just dancing according to its beat;"
I personally don't like the repetition of "its beat."
"Coz it is my dream."
I personally would not use the word "coz."
Overall, I think this poem could benefit from some imagery, like Em16 said! I hope this review helped <3
I love the beginning of the poem, a positive start, telling that one needs to be observant of the surrounding and find meaning in them.
"Beautiful thing lies around us;
Just turn and look at it;"
I really like the way you have brought out a contrast in the following lines:
"I'm in the same place;
My mind always wandering here and there;"
Mind does not stop thinking and goes to places that is beyond imaginary. You can get lost in another world by just being in one place!
"I'm gonna lost my self;"
I found a grammatical error in the line above, I recommend you to use the word 'lose' instead of 'lost'.
One thing I noticed is that you have used semi-colon in nearly every line. I suggest you use a comma or other punctuation marks.
The fight within us is always calling for an action. Introspection and self-reflection is really important in order to understand ourselves better. I liked the concept of your poem. Keep writing!
Best wishes,
I
Thank you! So much mememimer for your encouraging words. Surely I will keep in my mind about all your words...
Hey, Little's here to review!
I'll start off with what I feel could be improved in the poem.
This sounds a little weak. I'd suggest writing "Beautiful things lie around us." It just sounds better.
Instead of "still", how about "And yet"? It adds a flair to the lines.
I don't see the point of the "Yup!". It creates a spasm of excitement or happiness, which is not what the rest of the poem conveys. I think it's unnecessary and can be removed.
There is no need for a comma after "Oh", and it's "lose", not "lost."
This line is grammatically a little off; There should not be a "to" in the first part. Moreover, I think a question mark is more suitable than a semicolon.
These lines feel weak because of the repetition. In some cases, that's okay, but not here. Try tweaking the lines somewhat.
I'm going to nitpick here. First of all, I think it's too abrupt an ending. Secondly, no need of a comma after "But".
The last line (aside from replacing "Coz" with "because") just doesn't go with the two previous ones. it's a little too random. But perhaps that is what you intended.
I did like the idea of everything being a dream, and the tone as Em mentioned. Keep writing!
I'm sorry if my review seemed too critical. Just trying to be helpful.
-Lee
Thank you! So much LittleLee for your valuable review... Surely I will change it.
I love the first line. It’s so enticing, and immediately draws in the reader. I also love the way you describe how your thoughts take over your body and mind. Personally, I can understand that, and I think it’s really cool that you’ve put that feeling down into a poem.
There is such a tone of fear and helplessness in this poem, and I can feel the desperation of the narrator. You’ve also made it very clear that this poem is also a cry for help; they’re looking for some way out. They don’t know how to escape. That message is so powerful.
The one critique I would have is to try and incorporate more figurative language into your poem. A lot of it is just telling, not showing. You write, “I’m not able to move”. Is there another, more metaphorical way to express this? Even something as simple as “Chained down by the thread of my thoughts” would help the reader to visually picture the pain the speaker is going through.
Keep writing! I look forward to reading more poems from you
Thank you!
So much for your review Em16. Surely, I will continue my writings...