You swim in a bowl, a cancerous growth sitting, waiting beneath your skin to burst,
The only thing stopping it the space around you, like store bought ham in its plastic mesh cage. You have polluted your dish, and the water is heavier than what it should be. Something is seeping out of you like rot. Like the apple that was set outside of your realm, shriveled and decayed, and one day was nothing at all, you could have been something better, but you could never grow in a cage so small.
So it spills through you instead. Mold instead of muscle.
A cage is still a cage, no matter the distance you can swim.
A young person walked in one day,
Took you gently from your bowl and placed you in a tank.
There's tapping every day, now.
It never seems to quite be quiet. Despite the attention dust builds unseen by any.
You cannot see the world outside yours anymore. You still feel the swell of growth beneath your scales, but it is not rot anymore. It is now both growth and the ever-present dust pouring out. You knew about rot, from food left on tables. You do not yet know that dust is the flavor of forgotten things. You are still not big enough.
This space is still far too vast for you to see the edges.
Maybe you were meant to be something small, but your world consists of moldy apples on counters, and dust covered tanks. (There is no small, only smaller)
One day, a small child will point their grubby hands at you, and scream about fairness.
One day, a mother will sigh, and ask how much the goldfish in the tank is, and buy it.
Maybe that child was meant to be small.
But that childs world was a goldfish.
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142,152 Literary Works • 676,789 Reviews
ahhh.. before beginning, let us tell you that this is a wonderful work. precious.
and second person? a delightful surprise!
immediately, with the first line only, you let us know that you will be making use of second person, that a fish or something similar stars in this story, and what kind of tone the tale will have. marvelous!
this part is a bit confusing to us. we get that the only thing stopping the cancerous growth ready to burst is the space around you, but after that we don't really understand. right now it seems like 'store bought ham in its plastic mesh' refers to 'the space around you', which confuses us. the space around you being plastic mesh makes sense, but being store bought ham not really... if that makes sense.
we aren't sure, but shouldn't 'then' be 'than' here?
the second 'that' could be removed. right now it makes it seem as if the realm is what shrivels and decays, not the apple.
the first paragraph alone is already delicious! so we see ourselves as something tainted, tarnishing? and we know we could have, would have been something better, if only our world had been better too... interesting! the weaving of images, like the ham and the apple, is beautiful.
we like this poem already!
ahhh.. delicious!
suggestion: make the T in 'took' lowercase, since there's a comma, not a period, before it, which means it isn't a new sentence. if it was intentional.. well, you could keep it, but you never did this anywhere else in the poem (uppercase letter while not a new sentence), so it doesn't really make sense to us..
'quite be quiet'. we love that!
isn't food already plural? sorry if we're wrong!
the fourth paragraph is so yummyyyy!!! *resists urge to quote everything and yell about how pretty it all is*
paragraph six.. we can see it happening.
forgive us if we're wrong, but shouldn't it be 'child's'?
WE LOVE THAT LINE, BY THE WAY.
overall, we think you are very skilled with imagery! this poem was a delight to read!
- deianira
thank you! I'm very happy you enjoyed it! honestly I do not really care much for grammar except when its a reallllly stupid mistake, but I fixed foods and a couple other things! ( you were very much so right that that should have been food.
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Am moon!!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
I really loved this poem its so simple but hold deep meaning. I think this poem is about you trapped in the world that limits your growth.even when it seems like your world has become bigger. The fish is moved from a bowl to a tank, but it still cannot experience the world beyond its glass walls.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I have no suggestions
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
Damn finally i love the comparison of person to fish is so so good and now my favorite line~
you know what this line is so good that it stood out to me like a sunflower along beautiful crimson roses.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall it has sad and good vibe, its easy to read and understand. Keep writing!!. Thank you so much for sharing am glad that i read this work
Thanks! =]
Your welcome dude