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Young Writers Society


16+

A red Play : a dystopian Adventure

by chrisharley


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Where have all the flowers gone? It had been nine hundred years after the holy were saved. "The forgotten"; those not saved, were left behind.I am one of them. We haven't' aged a bit since he left us.The young, are still young. The old, are still old. We live in small cities, where no flowers grow, and the sun never gives heat. We are immortal, and the only way to die is to be killed. We are the forgotten; Those left behind by God."

"In this new world, every town centers around, the Light City, the only city with electricity.The Light City is the center of everything now. "The Spaceship", is being built there and will save people taking them to "God's earth"; The second earth created by God for the saved ones. The light City is also the center of The suicide tower, where people line up one behind each other, and push each other off falling to their death."

"The surrounding villages are ruled by a renaissance in art, especially theater since tv is rare. "Lane is the biggest actress around, she even writes plays. The plays mostly tellings of repent for sin and most ending with a murder, Which the crowds find amusing since they long for death ever since their life was turned into a new hell."

"Lane is short and she loves blue. She is always seen in a blue dress. lately, she had been very interested in,"The spaceship". Because she had fallen in love with a man named, Harley Dean and she wants to go away with him to God's new earth. I know that because I am him. We have been together for one month, and Lane is getting worried a long eternity may diminish our love. We had seen it happen dozens of times before, in each other's own past relationships. Some that lasted hundred of years, eventually died out. Lane is in love now more than ever, and we can't consider suicide. I am an engineer for "The spaceship" and Lane is the biggest play actress around."

'I met Lane after one of her plays. She and I took a slow walk over to a small river. We sat next to its waters. Lane rubbed her hand on the water and she shivered.The lack of heat had made the water almost ice. "Do you think he'll ever come back for us?" Lane asked. I thought about it like I always had tackled that question before, silent and scared. "Lane teared up with her head leaning deep on my chest. I tried to calm her, but as I opened my mouth my own sadness was heard as I choked.

"We both stared at god's new earth it floated above in the blue sky. It was ghostly like the moon." 9 more weeks and will be there", I told Lane. She looked at me now kind of smiling. "Yesterday you said 8 months" Lane said. "Were getting closer", I rsponded. "I got everyone helping me design the rockets. You know Jonathan, one of the farmers down here?" I asked her. "yeah. .why"? Lane asked. "I got him helping me. Yeah, he's kind of smart".We laughed and then a long pause.

"After we walked to town. It had gotten dark. While walking along side a wide dirt road, I saw in the distance a crowd of people who were holding bright torches. They were standing around something. Lane and I ran over "What's happening here?" I asked the nearest person gathered around the scene. "Someone was murdered! She was crucified! I could hear the shock in the person's tone. I got past enough of the crowd to see a young female nailed on a wooden cross, clothed in a white robe, blood staining it violently. "Clara"! Lane shouted. She then got close to the dead girl and began to cry. "Clara", Lane said again. I then heard a man behind me explain "She was an actress she was in a play with Lane today". It was her first play she was studying with Lane for two years, poor girl." I saw Lane her face covered in tears. "Who did this to you?" She asked.This was not the way people wanted to go. By being unwillingly killed. Clara wanted to realize her potential of becoming a great actress. Lane wiped her tears as people gathered around the cross and began taking her body down.

"Are you Lane"? A man came out the crowd and asked Lane He was a detective. He came with two other cops, one to write down notes for him. The detective cop was missing his right arm. "Whoever murdered this girl it was not mutual. Her body is bruised she was beaten, She struggled". He told Lane. "What kind of help can I provide"? Lane asked the detective, "when was the last time you saw Clara?" Today just after two, she was going to the Shakespeare Library. I was supposed to meet her tomorrow for acting lessons. "Do you about anyone who might have been close to Clara?" The detective asked. "Do you really got to do this now"?I asked the detective. "She has just seen her friend's, dead, beaten body"! The cop paused and stared at me almost suspecting I was stalling and might have something to do with Clara's death. "Okay". The detective said. "Will talk tomorrow". Lane nodded.

"That night I stayed with Lane. She sat in a chair thinking,who would have killed Clara. She didn't move much. I, afraid of her sanity, decided I would help her figure out the killer. Late that night. She had come to something. "Do you have a copy of,"Art time magazine"? She asked loudly. "Yes", I replied "Why"? "What month do you need"? She got off her chair quickly as I took out a crate of books and magazines. "I need June"! I Scurried threw the covers of magazines as Lane talked. "Harry Watts, The artist! I read about him! In that magazine, he was talking about a new kind of art a depraved, post dystopian, art. " Where he would stage live scenes of torture, murder, and rape", "To a group of art critics, and make that his art." "He stages the art anywhere"! " In the food market in the streets". "We can ask members of the art world!" I told lane."But how will we be certain they will give the description of Clara". "Because Harry Watts only uses women in his "Art".Lane said.

The next day, Lane and I met with Art critics of the popular,"Art Times Magazine".We sat with them in a conference room. The conference room had large round windows with no glass or frame. The men sat close together on one side of a long silver table, us in the other side of the table. The art critics all wore reflective, plastic- like, black suits. "We have seen many art installations from Henry Watts. Please describe Clara more specifically". One art critic said .coughing often, and inhaling from a gas tank under his feet. Lane described Clara to him. "She had dyed yellow hair and she always wore a white cloth around her neck to cover burn marks. She had gotten a long time ago. "The Cactus girl"! The man responded, laughing, and coughing quickly, inhaling his oxygen tank ferociously. "Yes, She was beaten by a long cactus plant. She never screamed! Most quiet death, Henry Watts had ever performed. She cried like a cat! The man joked. "She was murdered!" Lane said angrily, leaping off her chair. "That bastard killed her! Lane began to cry, looking at the art critic disgusted at how amusingly, he had recalled Clara's sad death. "You people made it right for this events to happen. You, see your chance to praise an insane man's fun way of burning the world, and you cash in on it calling it the newest art!" Lane slapped the coughing man. He dropped his oxygen mask quickly, picking it up now breathing very sickly and heavy "Okay, Okay will find Henry watts. Will help you get him arrested"! I wrapped my arm around Lane. Hoping she would calm down.

We waited that day in the police station, for Henry Watts to show up in cuffs. "They won't help us Lane said hopelessly.


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401 Reviews


Points: 1658
Reviews: 401

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Thu Jan 22, 2015 3:59 am
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Thank you for using my review for food thread! That helps me keep track of what I need to review, and I appreciate it.

The great thing about this story, is how you started it off with a bang. True, it did have quite a bit of info-dumping, but since this is the first draft, it can be easily remedied. What I was truly shocked at was how you killed a character off so suddenly, in the middle of the story. Obviously, you are setting the play up for something serious. This girl's death is going to get the story moving and get Lane and Harley to do something, I'm assuming. Lane is going to be the main character, correct? Or is it Lane?

That is honestly, one of the things that I was pretty confused about. Who exactly is your main character? Who's POV is this? From what I could tell, it was switching between Lane and Harley erratically. If you are going for an omniscient POV then, for now, it isn't working. Here is a pretty cool source for how write omniscient.

I would however suggest going for a single POV and whoever that is, that is up to you. Whoever you choose needs to have a clear viewpoint. Here is another great source that explains all three. Hopefully these sources will help you out. If they don't, then talk to me and I can hopefully link you up to some more helpful ones. Let me know. ^^


The first thing that I would suggest you do with this piece is fix the formatting. Like Satira said, it is a bit strange and isn't exactly grammatically correct. Let me show you an example, using the first and second paragraph.

Where have all the flowers gone? A warm voice said under a heavy blue evening sky, cold air whistling

over dark green hills .It had been nine hundred years after the holy were saved. "The forgotten" those unsaved were left behind. The people hadn't aged a bit since he left them, young were still young old were still old, people now living


These are two separate paragraphs the way you have it. But if you look at it, you can see that you start the second paragraph while still writing in that sentence from the last paragraph! I will show you in another quote what exactly I mean by it.


"Where have all the flowers gone?" a warm voice said under a heavy blue evening sky, cold air whistling over dark green hills.

It had been nine hundred years after the holy were saved. "The forgotten" those unsaved were left behind. The people hadn't aged a bit since he left them, young were still young, old were still old, people now living


1) I put quotation marks around the parts where the voice is talking. Remember that if somebody is talking, then you usually always have quotation marks around the dialogue.

2) I took the two paragraphs and ended the first one directly after hills. The reason why I did this is because of: 1)You can't break a paragraph in the middle of a sentence. The idea is not complete! Therefore, you cant end your sentence, and paragraph without finishing it. Make sense? :)

3)The last thing that I did is place commas in the proper places. I will go into comma placement later.

Firstly, I would like to talk about your dialogue. From what I can see, it is flat, and not very strong.

Fixing the paragraphing isn't a big deal, so don't worry. All you need to do, is run through and make sure that every word of the sentence is within the same paragraph. You can't have well, we saw so and so walk

down the street to the store
.

No, you can't have that. It would be Well, we saw so and so walk down the street to the store. All within one paragraph, meaning that the idea is complete and full. Does this make sense? If it doesn't, I would be perfectly happy explaining it further. :D

Next, would be proper punctuation. I noticed that you have commas where you have periods, and periods where you should have commas, all over the place. What you need to do, is basically a run through with a grammar check. Use Microsoft Word or something like that, that will do auto correct, and that should also help you out immensely. Do you have a specific program that you use for writing? If so, check and see if it has a grammar and spell check. If it does, put it into effect. It will help immensely, I promise. Just an idea.

Quick Reminders

1)Always capitalize names. They are proper nouns, therefore they are to be capitalized.

2) Make sure to look up proper punctuation. That is something, that if not done properly, will irritate the reader.

3) Figure out your character's POV. That is also something that will irritate the reader, if not done right.

There are some basics that you can work on for now. Hope it helps. <3

Okay, I think that's all from me for now. Let me know if you have any questions!

Keep writing!

~Cricket




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Reviews: 94

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Mon Jan 19, 2015 12:53 am
Satira wrote a review...



Hello! Welcome to YWS! I'm gonna be reviewing you today, and I'm just going to jump right into it.

Your formatting is a little weird. Actually, it's very weird. I don't think weird is bad for most things, but when it prevents readability of the story, it is a problem. Like, sometimes there are no periods or no capitols but not ALWAYS- it's really irregular. Also, when somebody starts talking, you need to skip a line- for example:

"You should skip a line," Lucy told Chris. "It's hard to read when you don't."

"Maybe..." Chris said doubtfully. He was already dreading the rest of Lucy's review.
----
Honestly, if you want to make this story better, just do a giant grammar check. I really hate pointing out grammar, but I know a lot of people here are big sticklers for it, and they'll help you with some of it. Also, try to treat your characters like they're real people and not puppets- like, don't underestimate them. Fictional people can change the world as much as real people can.
That's it! Again, welcome, and happy writing!
~Satira





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