Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Thank you for using my review for food thread! That helps me keep track of what I need to review, and I appreciate it.
The great thing about this story, is how you started it off with a bang. True, it did have quite a bit of info-dumping, but since this is the first draft, it can be easily remedied. What I was truly shocked at was how you killed a character off so suddenly, in the middle of the story. Obviously, you are setting the play up for something serious. This girl's death is going to get the story moving and get Lane and Harley to do something, I'm assuming. Lane is going to be the main character, correct? Or is it Lane?
That is honestly, one of the things that I was pretty confused about. Who exactly is your main character? Who's POV is this? From what I could tell, it was switching between Lane and Harley erratically. If you are going for an omniscient POV then, for now, it isn't working. Here is a pretty cool source for how write omniscient.
I would however suggest going for a single POV and whoever that is, that is up to you. Whoever you choose needs to have a clear viewpoint. Here is another great source that explains all three. Hopefully these sources will help you out. If they don't, then talk to me and I can hopefully link you up to some more helpful ones. Let me know. ^^
The first thing that I would suggest you do with this piece is fix the formatting. Like Satira said, it is a bit strange and isn't exactly grammatically correct. Let me show you an example, using the first and second paragraph.
Where have all the flowers gone? A warm voice said under a heavy blue evening sky, cold air whistling
over dark green hills .It had been nine hundred years after the holy were saved. "The forgotten" those unsaved were left behind. The people hadn't aged a bit since he left them, young were still young old were still old, people now living
These are two separate paragraphs the way you have it. But if you look at it, you can see that you start the second paragraph while still writing in that sentence from the last paragraph! I will show you in another quote what exactly I mean by it.
"Where have all the flowers gone?" a warm voice said under a heavy blue evening sky, cold air whistling over dark green hills.
It had been nine hundred years after the holy were saved. "The forgotten" those unsaved were left behind. The people hadn't aged a bit since he left them, young were still young, old were still old, people now living
1) I put quotation marks around the parts where the voice is talking. Remember that if somebody is talking, then you usually always have quotation marks around the dialogue.
2) I took the two paragraphs and ended the first one directly after hills. The reason why I did this is because of: 1)You can't break a paragraph in the middle of a sentence. The idea is not complete! Therefore, you cant end your sentence, and paragraph without finishing it. Make sense?
3)The last thing that I did is place commas in the proper places. I will go into comma placement later.
Firstly, I would like to talk about your dialogue. From what I can see, it is flat, and not very strong.
Fixing the paragraphing isn't a big deal, so don't worry. All you need to do, is run through and make sure that every word of the sentence is within the same paragraph. You can't have well, we saw so and so walk
down the street to the store.
No, you can't have that. It would be Well, we saw so and so walk down the street to the store. All within one paragraph, meaning that the idea is complete and full. Does this make sense? If it doesn't, I would be perfectly happy explaining it further.
Next, would be proper punctuation. I noticed that you have commas where you have periods, and periods where you should have commas, all over the place. What you need to do, is basically a run through with a grammar check. Use Microsoft Word or something like that, that will do auto correct, and that should also help you out immensely. Do you have a specific program that you use for writing? If so, check and see if it has a grammar and spell check. If it does, put it into effect. It will help immensely, I promise. Just an idea.
Quick Reminders
1)Always capitalize names. They are proper nouns, therefore they are to be capitalized.
2) Make sure to look up proper punctuation. That is something, that if not done properly, will irritate the reader.
3) Figure out your character's POV. That is also something that will irritate the reader, if not done right.
There are some basics that you can work on for now. Hope it helps. <3
Okay, I think that's all from me for now. Let me know if you have any questions!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Points: 1658
Reviews: 401
Donate