Young Writers Society

Hello, Obsidian giving you a review! And, if you don't like some of the things I say, just ignore it!

First, I have to say well done. I really took a minute to stare at my own hands, questioning my own being and existence. The repeating of 'What's inside? What's inside?', I'm not sure what you were going for, but I felt that the person in the poem never stopped questioning.

"The life of me could be so small.
And by small, I mean nothing at all.
By nothing at all, I mean so very small."

In this part, you rhymed 'small' with 'small'. I realize this was probably on purpose, but I'm just one of those people that rhyming a word with the same word bothers me.

Other than that, I really liked the poem. It left me thinking and that's amazing!

H'okay, so.

What I see here is a poem completely built upon the attempt to keep such a coil-tight rhyme scheme that you've sacrificed all superlative content, most flavorful imagery, and given us, the reader, repetitive AAAAAA BBBBBB CCCC. That's no scheme, that's just berating.

What would you say if not trying to keep so loyally to the rhyme scheme?

1. My flesh could be a disguise
2. I could be mechanical
3. How do I know?
4. Contemplating my own existence exhausts me

5. I feel so finite that it's overwhelming

6. Or maybe I feel nothing, and it's just an illusion.

SO THERE IS MATERIAL. It's just horribly presented! You have everything ranging from existential crises to solipsistic delusions to null-thoughts, and it's all very good content in theory, but it needs to be executed in a way that's digestible, the way small cubes of cheese are digestible instead of entire blocks.

Think on this and reflect. All the best,
Ty

Hi. This is kman134. I'm here to review your work.

Ah. the never ending question of what's inside of our flesh. honestly, this poem was very morbid and disturbing, yet thought-provoking.

the second stanza leads from existentialism to nihilism, reflecting on one's individual existence, yet points out how small and insignificant our reality is.

the third stanza emphasizes the heavy existential question of whether we exist or not. it also ponders how long we will live and how we should spend our last days on earth.

the emotional tone and metaphors were dark and grotesque. it gave a creative insight on the inner workings of the human body.

Anyway, this was really good and i hope you'll continue working on new poems.

Hello there! And welcome to YWS! I'm just stopping by to leave a little review for your poem here. So without further ado:

Stanza 1
I like the opening line; it's unique and just reading it, I have no idea what it could mean so it leaves a lot of avenues of meaning open for the reader.
Moving on to the 2nd line, I don't think that the continual repetition of "what's inside", "what's inside" adds anything. It somewhat makes it seem like the speaker wants the reader to look closer and closer and closer like a microscope getting down to what's really there, but I'm not sure you need the double "what's inside" to portray that. For me, the repetition was a bit distracting I guess.
By the last line in stanza 1, I'm not sure as a reader, that I've came to any meaning within the poem. There is no clarity in why the comparison between hands and coils etc works or makes sense... so yeah I'm just a bit confused, and wish that I understood the metaphor or link because right now it's not making sense.

Stanza 2
First line of stanza 2, I think "Flesh" should probably be lower-cased to be consistent with stanza 1. Again, I think you have an interesting leading line, but then I don't feel like it goes anywhere. How is the speaker making the jump from talking about not having a body/flesh to then saying "the life of me could be so small"? I'm just not a fan of the secound line here, I think the adjective small in this context (especially when it's following a really significant adjective like nothing) is just not working and almost sounds a bit Dr. Seussy...

The second stanza uses some circular logic, which I kind of like because I feel like we're getting somewhere. It's actually a lot like Budhism if you're familiar with any of their teachings - like the impermanent body, self, and circular life etc. This stanza gets stronger as it goes one, although I think you may want to take another look at the adjective "small" and see if you can find a more fitting one.

Stanza 3
I wish that this stanza had 2 extra lines to mirror the first 2 stanzas - it would feel more orderly this way, especially with the rhyming. I think this is the strongest stanza of the piece, it really expands on some of the ideas you brought up in stanza 2, and brings it full circle. I think the wording in line 3 feels a bit odd, and "death's kiss" is a little bit cliche but this stanza still really worked overall - and the rhyming was quite good here too as it was a little less expected. I don't think you need a comma after the word "nothing" in the first line.

Overall
I think you have some interesting concepts to work with here and the idea of nothingness/no identity/ no body is really unique too. But I don't think that the 1st stanza felt like it went with the poem at all. The rest of the poem really doesn't bring up the imagery of a machine, or wondering what's inside, or being tired - so it just really didn't feel cohesive with the rest of the piece. There were a few parts that were vague in the poem, but I think you can easily expand on them to be more precise. Another opportunity for improvement in this poem would be to use figurative language more. You already make good use of rhyme, assonance, and a little bit of consonance here and there - so relying a bit more on metaphor would really add to this poem.

Best of luck in your writing!

~alliyah

Hey, Thepape24! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review

First of all, this was a good poem. I loved what you attempted with the repetition of the sounds: "I", "A".

However, it did not have the impact it should have. The first stanza was brilliant (enough to have been the entire poem just alone, by itself) but when you began the second stanza, it kind of felt as though you were too caught up in rhyming and failed to get the message of the poem across.

And by small, I mean nothing at all.
By nothing at all, I mean so very small.

Hi! I'm just gonna give a quick review. The one thing that I can say is that You repeat the "all" sound over and over and it starts becoming monotonous.

Interesting poem! I like how you question what's inside, what you are. I have no suggestions to make. keep writing!