Published April 30, 2011
Before the moon burned, great and bright
above those men who, in the night
tell tales of fright to children near
of Dragon's breath and Dragon's lair
It did, when once the void was split
the Daemons kilt, the darkness lit
shine cold, before the sun was warm
and see the mighty winged ones born.
The winged ones saw the seas unmoved
the hills uncarved; a world unproved
they heard the first young creature cry;
vowed not to let this beauty die
The flowering plant, the stretching tree
with spirits dwelling quietly
the thundering horse, the buzzing fly
the fish, the falcon in the sky
And mighty man, who as a babe
upon his mother's breast was laid
was also held by Dragon's claw
kept warm by fire from Dragon's maw.
Unaware of us they grew
seasons turned, the centuries flew
we had no need of fire or claw
to keep the balance or natural law
Until, from bark and mottled shade,
spirits came and bodies made
choosing over wooded glen
the knowledge of the ways of men.
Fair of face as Summer's sky
strong of limb, they did not die!
they'd chosen over life and death
Magic's strength and Magic's breath
Their magic poisoned beast and flower
and fed the human greed for power.
The fools thought they were doing good
by changing stream course, beast and wood!
How dare they do this to our earth,
to us, those present at it's birth
steal from us to the last insect
the life that we vowed to protect?
We flew at them from sunburnt clouds
their homes we choked with fiery shrouds
we hounded them from shore to shore;
the world at last heard Dragon's roar!
But, to meet our towering rage
was Elfin bow and Elfin mage
their magic shafts pierced wing and scale;
Elf, and Dragon, fell like hail.
O foolish world, we watched you grow
we orchestrate the tides and snow
to free you from this curse we killed;
but with hate for us, your breast was filled;
So that man, seeing Elfin die
grasps his sword and gives a cry;
he will not rest till we are dead-
until he has his Guardian's head!
Fair faced ones, we hunt you still
we'll kill all whom we have to kill
so that our world may be at peace;
we kill to see your Elf-Curse cease!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,691 Literary Works • 672,653 Reviews
This is a real epic of a poem! What struck me was that you stuck to your rhyming scheme without anything sounding predictable or forced, but while still being very structured. And you have great description, but more than that - you tell a story, and that's something that you don't always see within a poem. It's more than just a snapshot, so very well written. Good job!
Wooooooooooowwwwwww.............. this is amazing. Good job.
One thing I don't get--you say the dragon cradled babies with his paw and warmed them with his maw, then say in the next stanza that the humans weren't aware the dragons existed. What?
Overall, I really liked this. Thanks for posting.
Hi.. Welcome to YWS!! I'll start by saying that it was very descriptive so it had me glued o screen. very nice but i will be honest and tell you that i was very confused while reading it.. I had no idea exactly what it was saying and that's what made me go bore.. Improve on those terms because I'm sure if you improve and make it more clear.. it would do great.. just that.. Hope I have helped...
Harshita..
Oh wow, this is great and a perfect time to upload it too.
I really can't tell you how good this is, there weren't any points I can make about forced rhyming and getting syllables on the lines to match because you've already done it all yourself. It was perfect!
Another great thing about it is that is was a fantasy poem. All the dragons and elves and humans just brightened up my day. Thanks for uploading this piece, I hope to hear more from you in the future.
Welcome to YWS.
First off, welcome to YWS! ^_^
I thought this poem was very good, it kept my interest and had a story to tell. The theme really drew me in, I'm sure everyone has some sort of love for magical/fantasy things, and this really did it, it was mystical, powerful and, well just brilliant
Saying that, I'm always going to have some sort of critique for people, otherwise there wouldn't be any point...
So, there were a few things I noticed:
If the moon burned, then men told.
And I'm not going to go through every stanza, but COMMAS!
I was going to suggest you remove the 'the' before hills, and then realised every line is eight syllables. I would suggest changing it to an adjective, such as 'great'.
another tense problem, if they watched, they orchestrated, however this ruins the eight syllable thing you have going on, I'd suggest finding a replacement word that fits, but make sure it's past tense.
Now we've got that out of the way I can say the kind of big problem that nobody's pointed out.
Look carefully at the difference between thes verses:
A)
B)
If you hadn't noticed, A) is in a narrative voice, someone who is telling the story to you, but out of the action, and the B) goes on to use the words 'we' as in a first person, look:
A)
B)
You need to choose one person and stick to it. If it helps I'll point out where you change.
1-5 is the out of action voice
6 is first person
7 could go either way
8+9 out of action
10+ first person
You see what I mean?
Other than that I really loved it
~Tinkembell
I loved this. This was long, but you did a good job of not letting me grow bored. I loved the descriptions of everything and the imagery was very well done! Try capatalizing each line to make the poem look a little more uniform. The rhyming here was excellent. I loved this. I said that already. Oops. But I did. It's really cool. Probably the best thing I've read all day (and this is review day!) Well done with this. I look forward to more of your writing. Keep up the good work!
Mixed emotions here.
First : OH MAH GAWD THIS IS EPICCC!!!!!!!! emotional and mystical and its like WHAM! then SMASH! and so exciting and omg omg omg omg omg!
Then the excitment fades nd i just go wait.... what i this even about? Sometimes it seems like evolution, then a fairytale. Then a lesson on perseverence and revenge, then mythical beasts. So i get suuupppeeeer confused.
But still. This was EPIC. Drop me a line and let me know your thoughts on my thoughts. Thanks!
Very descriptive and it pulled me in on the first line! Keep up the good work!! Your descriptions painted a very vivid picture in my head and I could emotion in this!!! Very nicely done and I can't wait to read more of your work!! I hope you like it here in the young writers society!!! Post more soon so I may review!!! I hope you receive many helpful reviews!!!! Happy Writing and best of wishes!!!
Soulkana<3