When you're asleep,
I'm the custodian of the night.
When you're asleep,
I'm your guardian angel
and I bury your head
Into my chest.
When you're asleep,
I feel your breathes
snoring softly, and
steaming like vapor
in that confinement.
When you're asleep,
I wipe out the sweat
from your forehead
And my lips
keep lingering there.
When you're asleep,
You sing like that nymph
crouched somewhere
in the upward meadows.
When you're asleep,
Your beauty seems high
soaring in the skies.
When you're asleep,
I want that time to be eternity.
As I gently,
hold you,
stare at you,
feel you,
I don't care for my sleep.
After the night.
When you're awake,
You look at me first
through the light
and the shadows,
smile,
hug,
and sleep again.
I take a deep sigh,
grin and blink thrice,
and I feel relieved,
as I got everything
I wanted.
And then when I go to sleep,
I find you awake
beaming,
looking at me,
then stroking my hair
as if preparing
for your turn.
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Canary word: Present
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139,539 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Overall I thought the poem was thoughtful and meaningful; however, it also lacked in a few aspects. The rhythm of the poem helped convey a soft tone (which I believe was your intended purpose) but the "When you're asleep" line became excessively repetitive as the poem progressed. Most notably here where there are only two lines separating the phrase:
And then your word choice here fell short of the impressive imagery presented earlier in the poem with the words "smile" and hug":
I really admired the use of imagery in this poem but again, I know you can improve! Also, the word is "breaths" not "breathes" here:
Hey there!
I honestly don't read that many poems, but this one was very impressive. I feel like there was some word choice that could have been changed. For example:
'I am the custodian of the night': custodian could maybe be substituted for caregiver or something more caring, to match the mood of the poem.
'I feel your breathes': could perhaps be changed to 'I feel you breath' in order to sound more grammatically correct.
'snoring softly': maybe soft snores
'steaming like vapor': vapor-like steams in that confinement
'I wipe out the sweat': could be 'off' instead of 'out'
'keep lingering there': try 'linger there'
'You sing like that nymph': try 'the nymph', as it's more specific.
By making it passive voice, your poem automatically sounds more gentle and loving. I really liked this, though, and would love to read more like it. Keep writing!
-MB