I thought I'd never hear a sound so sweet,
Until I heard the melody you sing.
Therefore, I don't think I could ever meet,
Another who could give me this feeling.
Do you believe that wishes can come true?
For being with you is just like a dream.
I long to feel my lips press close to you,
And watch you sparkle like the stars that gleam.
You truly are the instrument of love,
And I will play you till the end of time.
I'll soar into the perfect skies above,
If you promise you will always be mine.
Sweet clarinet, I love your mellow sound,
So follow me up there, above the ground.
(This was a piece of work I did in school, and it sounded half decent, so seeing as I don't post often I thought I'd let you guys take a look at this. As usual, all feedback is useful, and you can be as brutal as you like.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Ebony, your resident poetry novice.)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,727 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
Wow! I love this poem! Especially the introduction! Nice simile “like the stars!" Nice metaphor “are the instrument” The flow of imagery is very captivating and drew me right into those feelings I experienced for women I considered very special. The punctuation is superb! The only thing that I noticed that can add improvement is to bring the meter more in line wiith the iambic pentameter.
Which is:each line of five feet involving -unstressed-stressed beats each.
Example:
[unstressed-stressed] [unstressed-stressed][unstressed-stressed][unstressed-stressed][unstressed-stressed]
Suggestions:
Suggestion: If you will promise always to be mine. = five beats.
The phrase: “If you will prom.... ” [unstressed stressed] [unstressed stressed] = iambic
If you prom..." = [untressed untressed stressed] = anapestic
= predominantly anapestic [four beats]
Suggestion: [Because of this I think I’ll never meet] = iambic
“Therefore” = [stressed-unstressed] =TROCHAIC (/ x): Tell me not in mournful numbers
Because = [unstressed stressed ] = iambic
Thanks. I'm still new to poetry so I'll make sure to work on this.
This is a very pretty poem, and I especially love how the theme of music is used throughout; it really sets the poem apart from others!
I will say that I'm not sure about 'sing' rhyming with 'feeling', as the stress on the latter means they aren't quite spoken the same. As well as this some of the imagery just feels a little abstract. The clarinet line is one of my favourites of this poem, because its a concrete noun which ties the narrator to reality. In my opinion more concrete or detailed language as such ensures that this is more than a generic love poem.
I think (correct me if I'm wrong) that this is a sonnet, in which case extra well done, because they are not at all easy to write. I don't know if it's intentional, but there's a sense of possessiveness in this poem , such as with:
'I'll soar into the perfect skies above,
If you promise you will always be mine.'
Which gives the poem a very interesting point of view. Thank you for posting this!