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A desperate actress.

by ThemagicalEbonyFox


There once was a failed actress,

who blindly leaps across the stage,

Desperate for attention,

Tired of rejection.

She covered her tears with cosmetics,

But couldn’t hide her true emotions,

Kicked out of every theatre,

Because she didn’t fit the roles.

She left her dream behind,

And in order to find acceptance

She surrendered her pride

And abandoned her values.

Now she's in a freak show,

Where the worthless ones belong,

Each night the same routine,

In exchange for a worthless reward.

Make sure you go and see her,

As she tumbles to and fro,

The spectators laughing

At the clown she cannot see.


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Tue Nov 07, 2017 2:00 pm
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IzzyIsHappy wrote a review...



Hello! Izzy here for a review!
I am not that great at poetry reviews but I love doing them! So here we go!

The first few lines really got me, and that's a good way to get the readers attention and to make sure they enjoy the work.

My favorite part was the end where she joins a freak show and she is viewed as a freak instead of a wonder.

umm, not good at this, haha.

Maybe to make the words flow better, use more descriptive language and see where it takes you.

Sorry for the weird/bad review!

Hoping you are well, Izzy.




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Tue Nov 07, 2017 11:50 am
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Koitsubaki wrote a review...



Hi EbonyFox, it's Koitsubaki here.

I'm not really much of a poetry person, so I apologize ahead if I miss some things. Still, I see some value in this poem, and I want to talk about it for that.

Your poem definitely had me in the first four lines. It had that wise, aged, literate storyteller tone all throughout. No one speaks with that kind of sentence structure in the first line, unless they're storytellers (like us!). The second line put an image in my head, and the word "blindly" made me think of the actress as somewhat incompetent. Lastly, I noticed a pattern in the third and fourth that reads so well in my mind and rolls so smoothly in my tongue: the parallel adjective - preposition - object of preposition, a hard contrast between the meaning of both lines, both lines only three words, and they rhyme too!

The spell was broken, however, when the later lines came in. Gone was the rhyming and the storyteller tone, which was replaced with more direct language not unlike everyday prose. If I were to suddenly tell someone about this actress using lines from this poem (like "kicked out of every theater, because she didn't fit the roles"), they wouldn't really mind my language. They'd just seem ordinary. Personally, I'd like words and phrases juicier and meatier to chew on as a reader.

On the bright side, I love the last four lines. All throughout the poem, I've been sitting in the sidelines, listening to this guy talk about some poor, pitiful creature that becomes even more repulsive as he goes on, when out of the blue, he involves me in the poem and asks me to visit this poor, pitiful creature, as if I've always been walking the same earth as this failed actress. It feels good. I love it when something we initially consider fiction suddenly blurs or even destroys the boundaries between the imagination of the story and our reality, shaking the complacent, distant state that comes with being a viewer, and dragging us into the world of ink and paper.

Yeah, I think I rambled a bit too much there. Sorry about that.

In summary, this poem does have its highlights at the beginning and the end, but its midsection isn't as flowery or mind-stimulating as those two.

I hope you liked this review. Good luck in your future works!

-恋椿






Hi there. Thanks for the review. I'm still quite new to poetry, so I'll try and take this stuff on board in future.



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Mon Nov 06, 2017 10:37 pm
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Radrook wrote a review...



Congratulations on your very skilled use of assonance and consonance as displayed in such words as:

[covered, cosmetics clown cannot] [where worthless] [hide her, ] [behind, find, pride], [she’s show]

Such a fine tapestry of sound is really a pleasure to read.

The introduction has a tense discrepancy that made me pause:

Suggestion to correct tense disagreement:

“....was once ....”

“...who blindly leapt across..”

The expression "Once was..." means that she no longer leaps. It means that she leapt once in the past.

I also paused when I came across the same word "worthless" used twice too closely together.

Suggestion:

Same word follow one another too closely.

“worthless ones" "worthless reward.”

Substitute:

“valueless reward”


The ending says far more about the speaker than it does about the failed woman. The speaker regards her as just a mere curiosity and the abuse heaped upon her as a mere part of the show.

He or she obviously lacks the capacity for empathy as do all the others who are entertained at the cost of her humiliation. So the poem is more a comment of man’s inhumanity to man than it is about a performer’s failure.

Thanks for the very interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.




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Mon Nov 06, 2017 10:16 pm
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L182 wrote a review...



Hey Fox evening ^^

you've got an interesting piece here , you excel in establishing the theme and its exposition but i believe you could work on your delivery a bit further. i'm not going to focus on your grammar ( were all a little floozy in that aspect one way or another) i will however be focusing on your wording.

Things like continuing the flow of a narrative are pretty crucial in any medium of expression , this might be as poem but even poetry can have a narrative.

Having said that in the first verse alone you could use the fact that you are speaking of this story in the past tense "There once was a failed actress" and continue that past tense all throughout it instead of "who blindly leaps across the stage" id say "Who'd(would) blindly leap across the stage"
just a subtle change but stuff like that can strengthen your ideas graveness.

non the less loved the piece ^^ good work.




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Mon Nov 06, 2017 9:29 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello ThemagicalEbonyFox! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
There once was a failed actress,

who blindly {lept} across the stage,

Desperate for attention,

Tired of rejection.

{Add a "--" here to separate stanzas}

She covered her tears with cosmetics,

But couldn’t hide her true emotions,

Kicked out of every theatre,

Because she didn’t fit the roles. {theatre and roles don't rhyme}

{--}

She left her dream behind,

And in order to find acceptance

She surrendered her pride {behind and pride don't rhyme}

And abandoned her values.

{--}

Now she's in a freak show,

Where the worthless ones belong,

Each night the same routine,

In exchange for a worthless reward. {What's the rhyme scheme in this stanza?}

{--}

Make sure you go and see her,

As she tumbles to and fro,

{As t}he spectators {are} laughing

At the clown she cannot see. {Rhyme scheme?}


My interpretation:



At first glance, this seems like an actual poem about an actress, but digging a little deeper I believe that this whole poem is a metaphor to being a girl who was kicked out of the cliques at school or something and is verbally abused and bullied.

If so, I totally understand. If this poem is about you, feel free to PM rant.

Overall:



Overall, I liked it. The first stanza threw me off, thinking there was a rhyme scheme. I dunno if there is, but you need to fix that :D it's pretty good. Great job and keep up the great work!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

Image


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Wow that was fast.



zaminami says...


:P refreshed the green room and there it was




Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.
— Lemony Snicket