Young Writers Society

Hello! Izzy here for a review!
I am not that great at poetry reviews but I love doing them! So here we go!

The first few lines really got me, and that's a good way to get the readers attention and to make sure they enjoy the work.

My favorite part was the end where she joins a freak show and she is viewed as a freak instead of a wonder.

umm, not good at this, haha.

Maybe to make the words flow better, use more descriptive language and see where it takes you.

Sorry for the weird/bad review!

Hoping you are well, Izzy.

Hi EbonyFox, it's Koitsubaki here.

I'm not really much of a poetry person, so I apologize ahead if I miss some things. Still, I see some value in this poem, and I want to talk about it for that.

Your poem definitely had me in the first four lines. It had that wise, aged, literate storyteller tone all throughout. No one speaks with that kind of sentence structure in the first line, unless they're storytellers (like us!). The second line put an image in my head, and the word "blindly" made me think of the actress as somewhat incompetent. Lastly, I noticed a pattern in the third and fourth that reads so well in my mind and rolls so smoothly in my tongue: the parallel adjective - preposition - object of preposition, a hard contrast between the meaning of both lines, both lines only three words, and they rhyme too!

The spell was broken, however, when the later lines came in. Gone was the rhyming and the storyteller tone, which was replaced with more direct language not unlike everyday prose. If I were to suddenly tell someone about this actress using lines from this poem (like "kicked out of every theater, because she didn't fit the roles"), they wouldn't really mind my language. They'd just seem ordinary. Personally, I'd like words and phrases juicier and meatier to chew on as a reader.

On the bright side, I love the last four lines. All throughout the poem, I've been sitting in the sidelines, listening to this guy talk about some poor, pitiful creature that becomes even more repulsive as he goes on, when out of the blue, he involves me in the poem and asks me to visit this poor, pitiful creature, as if I've always been walking the same earth as this failed actress. It feels good. I love it when something we initially consider fiction suddenly blurs or even destroys the boundaries between the imagination of the story and our reality, shaking the complacent, distant state that comes with being a viewer, and dragging us into the world of ink and paper.

Yeah, I think I rambled a bit too much there. Sorry about that.

In summary, this poem does have its highlights at the beginning and the end, but its midsection isn't as flowery or mind-stimulating as those two.

I hope you liked this review. Good luck in your future works!

-恋椿

Congratulations on your very skilled use of assonance and consonance as displayed in such words as:

[covered, cosmetics clown cannot] [where worthless] [hide her, ] [behind, find, pride], [she’s show]

Such a fine tapestry of sound is really a pleasure to read.

The introduction has a tense discrepancy that made me pause:

Suggestion to correct tense disagreement:

“....was once ....”

“...who blindly leapt across..”

The expression "Once was..." means that she no longer leaps. It means that she leapt once in the past.

I also paused when I came across the same word "worthless" used twice too closely together.

Suggestion:

Same word follow one another too closely.

“worthless ones" "worthless reward.”

Substitute:

“valueless reward”


The ending says far more about the speaker than it does about the failed woman. The speaker regards her as just a mere curiosity and the abuse heaped upon her as a mere part of the show.

He or she obviously lacks the capacity for empathy as do all the others who are entertained at the cost of her humiliation. So the poem is more a comment of man’s inhumanity to man than it is about a performer’s failure.

Thanks for the very interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Hey Fox evening ^^

you've got an interesting piece here , you excel in establishing the theme and its exposition but i believe you could work on your delivery a bit further. i'm not going to focus on your grammar ( were all a little floozy in that aspect one way or another) i will however be focusing on your wording.

Things like continuing the flow of a narrative are pretty crucial in any medium of expression , this might be as poem but even poetry can have a narrative.

Having said that in the first verse alone you could use the fact that you are speaking of this story in the past tense "There once was a failed actress" and continue that past tense all throughout it instead of "who blindly leaps across the stage" id say "Who'd(would) blindly leap across the stage"
just a subtle change but stuff like that can strengthen your ideas graveness.

non the less loved the piece ^^ good work.

Hello ThemagicalEbonyFox! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

My interpretation:

Overall:

This review courtesy of