“Duck Rhena!” The irritated yell of instruction came just a fraction of a second too late to actually have been of any use to her. Dropping to her knees so quickly she was certain they’d bruise Rhena Moretti couldn’t help but curse her own stupidity. She’d let her guard drop, that was a mistake not even a first year would make! The fist passed centimetres above her head scuffing thetop of the high ponytail keeping the tangled mess of unbrushed red coppery hair out of her face. Planting her hands on the floor she countered her opponents strike with a move that was just as juvenile if not more so. Swinging her leg round she swept her much larger opponent cleanly off his feet.
The thump as he hit the floor had even Rhena wincing slightly, but he was back on his feet in seconds. Once, a move like that would have been enough to take Arden Petrovic out of a fight. With his bulkier stature and taller than average height, at 6’4 he was almost a full foot taller than Rhena herself, most people assumed it would be more difficult for him to get back to his feet and in the beginning it had. She could remember a fair few fights that had been won against him with a move almost exactly like the one she had just used.
But that was the problem. He’d been shown what his weakness was, and they’d taught him exactly how to fix it. It might have taken him a fair few years to master it but now he more than knew what the quickest way back to his feet was. A move like the one she’d just performed was little more than a stalling tactic to allow her the time she needed to get back to her own feet.
The moment she’d swung through she was throwing herself back onto her feet bringing her left leg swinging just high enough that it connected with Arden’s head as he sprung into a low crouch on the floor. He let out a loud shout of surprise recoiling from the hit, but he wasn’t about to go down that easily. Before her foot could even touch the floor he struck out, grabbing her ankle with his right hand fiving a sharp tug that sent her sprawling off balance.
She could feel herself tumbling forward, crashing straight into him completely unable to stop herself from falling. She knew it was over the moment he let her momentum propel them backwards into the floor wasting no time in wrapping his right arm tightly around her neck cutting off her air supply.
Her vision was starting to swim by the time she finally quit her struggling, tapping his arm in defeat. His grip on her neck loosened instantly and a moment later she felt him slide out carefully from under her leaving her lying in the centre of the white tape marked square that they’d been fighting in gulping the air back into her lungs. She had to wait for the room to stop spinning around her and for the blood to stop rushing to her head before she even attempted to move into a sitting position.
“Nice fight Rhena” She glanced up at the hand reaching down to help her up. She followed up the length of his tanned arm until her gaze landed on the grinning face of the sandy blonde haired boy she’d been fighting only moments before. She returned to staring at the hand in front of her for a long moment as if debating whether to take it or not. Even if it hadn’t been for his kind looking face and the grin that seemed to stretch all the way up to his green eyes she’d never have refused his helping hand. Breaking into a grin of her own, she took his hand letting him haul her onto her feet.
“Not bad yourself Arden” She complimented dropping his hand and moving to dust herself off. “That last move was pretty smart”
“Look who’s talking” He laughed as he took a sip from his water bottle having retrieved it from the side of their designated square whilst she’d been trying to orientate herself. “I thought for sure I was a goner after that bloody ninja kick of yours”
“Fancy footwork wasn’t enough to beat Mr.Petrovic, though was it Miss Moretti?” The low voice belonging to Professor Novak, the combat instructor, cut in before she could reply to Arden’s comment. “In fact it’s highly surprising he didn’t have you pinned down within the first five seconds of that fight if you can even call it that”
She hadn’t even realised the young combat professor had been watching but she’d have been lying if she said she was surprised to hear his criticism. She’d known the moment she’d dropped to the floor to avoid Arden’s punch that she was in for a lecture if Novak had been paying attention to them.
“Your technique was sloppy and quite frankly juvenile. I’d expect better from someone who intends to graduate from here in six months” He continued on his dark eyes boring into her with every word as if challenging her to say something in her defence. He’d just love to report her for arguing back, not that she could. She had to agree that the moves she’d used were very childish. But what did it matter? It was just a combat class, of course she wouldn’t be putting her all into it.
She’d thought she was doing pretty well at keeping her thoughts on the matter to herself but clearly her poker face needed some work because the expression on the professor’s face turned from a sneer to a blank, almost dangerous expression.
“You are in for a rude awakening when you graduate from here Miss Moretti” The dark haired professor snapped before he turned, stalking away from them. He made it only two steps before he started barking abuse at Alice Fitzgerald about her technique. The poor girl got such a fright that she landed wrong from her kick toppling down to the ground from what was at the very least a sprained ankle.
“Ignore him” Arden stated nudging her gently to make her stop glaring daggers into Novak’s back. “You know what he’s like”
“I’m fine” She lied in an overly cheery voice forcing a smile as they moved away from their square to the one that sat just to the right of them to watch the fight still going on there. In an effort to stop him voicing whatever he’d opened his mouth to say she stared determinedly at the fight in front of her watching every move the fighters made as if it was the most important thing in the world to her. Arden gave a short shake of his head deciding it was probably for the best to not push it any further.
It surprised her but she couldn’t have been more relieved. Arden was the sort of person who would keep talking and talking about a problem trying to reassure the person that it was alright. He was a peacemaker. Some of the time it worked but she really wasn’t in the mood for him to keep reminding her about Novak’s criticism, she was kicking herself enough already.
What had initially just been an attempt to distract Arden eventually captured her attention fully. Her shoulders relaxed as she watched the dark skinned girl flip backwards to avoid the strike coming from her opponent. She moved with an ease that Rhena could only dream of having, an ease that even most hunters lacked. The girl straightened back up, a dangerous smile on her face that she probably wasn’t even aware she was wearing. Her head tilted ever so slightly to the side, her light brown eyes taking in every movement her opponent made, she waited for only a fraction of a second before she sprinted forward using his bent knee as a stepping stool she launched herself upwards landing neatly on his shoulders. Wrapping her legs around her opponents neck she threw herself backwards bringing both of them crashing down to the ground with such fluidity that it looked like she was watching something out of a movie. The guy lasted only three seconds before he tapped out and the girl unwound herself from him.
“Nice job Miss Hartley” Novak called from across the gym hall where he stood arms crossed half watching the fight in front of him. “Maybe you can teach your friend the difference between first year and eleventh year skills”
Rhena scowled at the floor, flushing bright red in anger. His comment was completely uncalled for and they all knew it. Just another jab at her for screwing up. It was an unfair assessment she supposed. She wasn’t the only one that got the comments, in fact as she turned her heated glare on the professors back ,ignoring the reassuring hand Arden placed on her tense shoulders, he was already back to chastising Alice about something else she’d messed up.
“Well Novak’s in a cheerier mood than normal” At the sound of the new voice Rhena’s shoulders relaxed, the tension leaving her completely as she turned away from Novak to face the approaching figure, giving her an automatic smile.
“You joke Elara, but that’s the best mood he’s been in all year” Rhena replied evenly addressing the dark haired girl who seemed to have materialised at their side from the square she’d been in only moments before. Honestly, Rhena wasn’t sure how it had taken her so long to notice her. Even with her dark curly hair out of place and sweaty from her own fight, Elara Hartley was probably the most notable person in the room. And it wasn’t just because of her name.
As the only daughter of Grace and Edward Hartley, two seasoned Hunters who were responsible for the biggest city in the sect, Morrig, and the other half of the Hartley Twins Elara’s picture had been in the newspapers and magazines since she was two months old. Her name alone was enough to get her into some of the biggest parties in the cities, and it had a fair few times.
But Elara didn’t need the Hartley name to make it in the world. With her slightly upturned nose and her ear splitting grin that made her green eyes light up Elara was nothing short of beautiful. If her appearance alone wasn’t enough to catch the eye of men and women alike then the way she held herself certainly would have. She seemed to sway with every step, not the awkward bobbing that Rhena was guilty of that made her hair swing from side to side with every step, but the sort of confident walk that someone who was only as good as she was could pull off. Elara Hartley knew exactly how good she was and she wasn’t about to let anyone for it.
“He’s not all bad” Elara countered her accent drawing out the ‘all’ more than she probably intended it to. It wasn’t an accent heard very often in the Celtic sect but the Hartley’s weren’t originally from there. Both Grace and Edward had been trained at one of Ecne’s sister schools, Itzamna Academy in the Mayan sect across the Ocean but had been transferred to Morrig shortly after the birth of their children. Elara hadn’t picked up much from her parents home sect but she’d never quite been able to master the accent of a Celt as well as that of a Mayan.
“Easy for you to say” Arden cut in making the shrug Rhena gave in reply redundant. “You’re one of his top students, he’s not so nice to those of us lower down in the chain”
“Oh come on you’re not that low down in the rankings” Elara rolled her eyes good naturedly at him convinced he was just being overdramatic. And he was, sort of. Whilst Elara topped the overall class ranking in first place, Arden came in somewhere around twenty two which out of fifty was pretty good. Rhena came in at twenty three which had everything to do with her academic scores and very little to do with her practical ones.
“I’m sorry, what did he just call your technique Rhena?” Arden turned to face her with a raised eyebrow, it seemed like she wasn’t getting out of this disagreement anytime soon.
“Sloppy and juvenile” She supplied without missing a beat. This was an argument they’d had so many times already she knew exactly when she was meant to chime in.
“You did use counter moves a first year could do” Elara replied wincing ever so slightly as she tried not to hurt her feelings. It didn’t help.
“And what did he tell you last lesson Rhena?” Arden prodded still watching her intently, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips as they always did when he knew he was right.
“That he expected better from the daughter of Anastasia Moretti” She answered her face entirely blank as she did. She didn’t miss the worried look Elara cast her way as Arden turned back to face her with a triumphant look on his face. That look had been the exact reason she’d done everything she could to keep a bland smile on her face, she didn’t need Elara reading into it.
“Okay so maybe bringing Rhena’s mum into it was a little excessive” Elara conceded, glancing worriedly across at her as they moved towards the door. Rhena just stared pointedly ahead; it wasn’t a conversation she wanted to be having now. Or anytime really.
“A little?” Arden asked incredulously, his voice rising ever so slightly. “He’s nothing short of a bully Elara!”
“Now you’re just being overdramatic” Elara rolled her eyes at him as they followed the crowd out of the gymnasium and into the hallway.
“Maybe you’re just blind!” Arden retorted angrily.
“Blind!” Elara screeched and Rhena had to stop herself from laughing. This was a regular occurrence for the pair at this point that other than a few heads turning at Elara’s raised voice no one reacted to them.
As they continued bickering like an old married couple Rhena dropped back ever so slightly so as not to get dragged back into it, she knew what they were like and she certainly wasn’t about to take sides on something like this.
It seemed most people had the same idea as she did, as they made their way down the old stone corridor their classmates were giving them a rather wide berth. It wasn’t strictly necessary, once the two of them got started they were pretty much oblivious to the world around them unless they needed someone to back up their point. Then again that was probably the reason most people kept their distance, no one wanted to be called on as defence especially when most were likely to side with Arden over Elara and there was absolutely no one that wanted to be on Elara’s bad side.
It was of no surprise to Rhena that the argument lasted the entire length of the damp basement corridor that housed the Academy’s combat rooms and all the way up a flight of stairs to the ground floor. It probably would have continued for longer if it wasn’t for the fact that they’d reached the changing rooms where half their classmates were already making their way out heading for their next class. Elara had gotten in one last retort about how Novak was a brilliant teacher before she’d shoved the door open nearly taking out the dark haired Isla Walker on her back out of the changing room. Rhena had only been able to give a ‘what can you do about it’ look in the direction of a dumbfounded looking Arden before she followed her inside.
“Can you believe him!” Elara snapped once they were safely in the changing rooms and out of earshot of Arden. It drew a few odd looks from those that remained in the room but Elara had never been one to care about that, but it was an automatic reaction that had Rhena sending them an apologetic look as she set her backpack on the bench’s in the middle of the room having pulled it from her locker on the opposite side of the room. “He thinks’ I’m the blind one!”
“Well he wasn’t wrong” Rhena defended as she tugged her uniform out of her backpack completely unable to hide the grin that had made its way onto her face. They’d always been like this, Arden and Elara. They could barely spend two minutes in a room together without breaking into some sort of argument or another. At this point, she was almost certain it was a desperate attempt to stop any of them figuring out that there was something going on there. She didn’t quite have the heart to tell her that it was obvious to just about anyone paying even the slightest bit of attention. “Novak is a bully, no matter how good a teacher he is”
“I never said he wasn’t” She denied dropping onto the bench beside her to untie her shoe laces, even though she pretty much had but she wasn’t about to pick her up on it. “But he’s just trying to get us prepared for leaving here. I mean, it’s alright for you and Arden you’re just at the right level to get put in a small city or a village you’re not going to be facing danger all that often…”
“Wow, thanks Elara” Rhena rolled her eyes at her as she hopped around trying to get the tights that were part of the school’s uniform on. They were nothing short of an absolute pain to put on, so was the skirt, but she thought the trousers the boys wore looked a lot more restricting.
“That’s not what I meant” She sighed flopping back on the bench to stare at the ceiling now that the room was empty, making absolutely no effort at all to get changed. “I just mean, you pair are going to get nice cushy assignments, you might even make it to thirty five! But Cas and I? Mum wants us in Morrig the moment we graduate. It’s pretty much a done deal at this point”
“Your parents said that?” Rhena asked as she sat down on the bench beside her leaning back on her hands as she watched Elara’s face intently trying to figure out how she felt about that.
“Mum’s looking at flats for me and Cas” Elara admitted quietly, her hands fiddling with the simple gold chain necklace she always wore. It was the only sign she ever gave that she was uncertain about something, and never in front of anyone else. She was a Hartley, they weren’t supposed to get nervous. “She says the house is too far out for a first year Hunter if they want to progress. Don’t get me wrong I want out of that house but…” She trailed off unable to finish her sentence.
“But you don’t want your parents planning out the rest of your life for you?” Rhena suggested and Elara nodded looking up at her wordlessly as if asking her to tell her what to do. She didn’t have an answer for her. She’d met the Hartley parents many times in the past, they weren’t the sort to not get their own way. “Well you know, you can always abandon your fancy flat in the city and runaway to live with me in a village in the middle of nowhere. We can become farmers and own our own farm with goats”
“Goats?” Elara laughed sitting bolt upright on the bench as if it was the most outrageous suggestion in the world “Why not something useful like cows! Or chickens!”
“Because goats are cuter” Rhena decided with a smile of her own “Now come on, we’re going to be late for Tactics”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hi! Spunky here to review!
Grows:
This sentence just seems a bit hard to read. It's unnecessarily wordy.
"centimetres" should be "centimeters" and "thetop" needs a space in-between "the" and "top"
"opponents" needs an apostrophe unless she is fighting more than one person.
All throughout this Chapter, you forget to add end marks in the dialogue. The dialogue needs end marks too!
"Mr.Petrovic" should be "Mr. Petrovic" also, this is optional, but the "though" stops the flow of the sentence. I had to reread the sentence a couple times to understand what you were trying to say. It would make much more sense if you just take the "though" out all together.
A comma is needed after "stated"
A space shouldn't be between "back" and the comma.
The apostrophe shouldn't be after "thinks"
There are other mistakes, but I won't be covering all of them
Glows:
This is really great! I love the concept, and it seems like it would be a really exciting story!
The dialogue is nice, and you already fleshed out your characters pretty well. This is a very well written story, and I hope you will continue on with it!
Bye! Have an awesome day!
Hola~
I'm Chris and I'm trying a new way to review~
First of all, I really like the way you write this story. And I love this piece of story with its adventurous atmosphere. I think it's well written and quite an impressive first chapter. Although I loved this chapter very much I thought that as I have already written a review, I should point out a few mistakes. Remember that grammar doesn't matter much am I'm just being reviewy!
"centimetres" is supposed to be "centimeters" I think.
"thetop" should be changed to "the top".
"opponents strike" should be "opponent's strike"
You need a comma after "In fact".
When you use "what", "why" or "how" you are making it a sentence asking something, and so you need a question mark...
"backwards" needs to be "backward"
You used pasted tense words until now, so you should probably continue in pasted form for both of the quoted parts too.
You need a comma after "Well" and a comma after "
"parents home" should be "parent's home" or "parents' home".
"bench's" should be "benches" I think.
I am sorry if I wasn't very encouraging, I could sometimes focus too much on grammartic mistakes...I loved your story and would really love to read more about it!
Keep on writing!
~Chris