Young Writers Society

Hi Soul! (Nice name )
I'm Kat, nice to meet you, and I will be your reviewer!
Now, let's see!

Line by line!

A dark shadow creeps beneath
The surface of my mind.
Feeding on the little sanity remaining.
I can't hrelp but wonder, what will happen to me next?
Will the sheer hatred of my surroundings
Consume me, leaving only an empty shell?

Let's talk capitalizing! There's no need to capitalize every first word of a line. Like in the second line, capitalizing the 'the' is wrong, because, even if it sounds as if not, capitalizing and punctuation change the way you read the lines. So, don't capitalize the 'the' .
As for the period at the end of the second line, I fear I must question it. The line bellow it's in some way related, so my suggestion would be to trade the period for a semi-colon. I'm almost 75% it will work
The adjective you used to characterize your sanity, 'little', seems childish in some way. Maybe 'small' or some other word.
On the forth line, I believe 'hrelp' should be help. Just a typo
Now, as I'm talking of the forth line, I might as well point out your flow/rhythm. It has been acceptable and constant until here. This line has too much length/syllables. You can either brake it down, or cut something out. I think that if you want to keep your point, you should brake it down and add more syllables to the second part, so that it can be even. Now, you ask what will happen to you next. That tels me something has already happen. You leave the open question: what has happen before? It must be something bad, since you tell me you have little sanity left.I suggest you develop that more, because you shouldn't leave too many open questions. If you leave too much questions to answer, your message will be lost.
Comma after 'surroundings'. Again, don't capitalize 'consume' on the last line.

Or worse?
Could it condemn me to a life
With nothing, no family, no friends,
No love?
just an empty room with no doors or windows?
I cannot say as it has not yet happened.
But i do know something is coming
And i am terrified...

Comma after 'life'. Don't capitalize the 'with'. Don't capitalize the 'no', on the forth life.
Again, you ask many questions, but I can get something from this. Emotions. Fear. You fear you'll loose everything.
Now, I've been telling to des-capitalize many words along this review, and now I'm surprised to tell you to capitalize one! Let's see if I can explain when to capitalize words. Usually, it's like in fiction. After a comma, don't. After a period, exclamation and interrogative point do. And so on. Capitalize the 'Just'.
Let's get back to rhythm. The forth and fifth line completely kill it. Make it even!
Comm after 'say'.
Oh my God! *gasps* Capitalize the I's, for crying out loud! *I'm a grammar freak xD*
Comma after 'coming', and don't capitalize the 'and'.
These lines... as for imagery and description give nothing to me. I'm sorry, but try to put more feelings into it! In a way that I can actually feel them when I read this.

Of life... Death... Everything.
I don't know what to do.
i'm fading. Soon i will disappear.
Gone from the world.
Gone from existance.
gone forever.

Comm after 'everything'. Now this is just a bit pitiful. You complain of what everyone complains! Make it original, specify your problems!
The second line is so overused. I suggest you either reword it or cut it out.
Capitalize the 'I'm'. Capitalize the 'I'. Also, the first period after 'fading', it alternates it's meaning. Switch it for a semi-colon.
Comma after 'existence'. Existance should be existence. I guess the ending was ok.

Overall: Not bad. This needs grammar correction and so, but above from that you accomplished to pass me the message. But nothing more. I couldn't feel your sadness, despair. Nothing. I advise you to imprve on your imagery. If you have any doubts and want help, you can either PM me or go to the 'Knowledge Base' under 'Resources'.

Have a nice day!
*Kat*

First of all, please edit your poems before posting them. A single typo ("hrelp") is one thing, but you neglect to capitalize your 'i's four times. There were two sentences, also, where you didn’t capitalize the first word (not always a necessity in poetry, but it was your trend to capitalize and you should be consistent).

“A dark shadow creeps beneath
The surface of my mind.
Feeding on the little sanity remaining.” I don’t like to focus on nitpicks, but it should be a comma at the end of the second line, rather than a period.

You have far too many questions in the beginning of this poem. One question can sometimes be one too many; five is far beyond that. To make things worse, you never answer the questions. If you’re going to describe someone’s worries, describe them; don’t ask them.

I cannot say as it has not yet happened.

This line is bland, and superfluous. It negates all the questions you asked before this, makes them even more pointless.

I’d do a complete overhaul on the poem up to that point, changing the questions to statements, of one kind or another and scratching the line “I cannot say as it…”

But i do know something is coming

How do you know? What sort of something? Why is it coming? Why is it something to be afraid of?

And i am terrified...
Of life... Death... Everything.

In poetry, just telling us something isn’t enough (not even in prose, most of the time). You have to show us. What I mean by that is, not just description, but by describing the results of your terror in such a way that you never have to say you’re terrified. We can tell by the resulting actions, which you describe for us. You can use a metaphor, you can use personification, or plain (but unique) description.

I don't know what to do.

Again, don’t just tell us. Show how the person is feeling. They don’t know what to do, okay; does that make them tense? Afraid? Hopeless? Careless? Happy? It could make them happy for all we know from what you’ve told us.

i'm fading. Soon i will disappear.

What does that look like? What does it feel like? Sound like? Smell like? Taste like? Try to employ, if not all five senses, at least three in this poem. They can do wonders for you if you take advantage of them.

Gone from the world.
Gone from existance.
gone forever.

No quarrel with these lines, necessarily. “Forever” could be replaced with something more final and less common: eternally, for instance.
You misspelled "existence."

Rhythm: I found no problems with the flow of the piece. But I always suggest reading it aloud; with poetry especially that helps reveal the tiniest little problem spots.

Content: I think you could have gone creepier, darker, to make us feel the emotions more strongly. I think adding more description, being sure it isn’t cliche and only furthers the effect this poem is supposed to have, will help with that. This sort of topic should have strong language; you want us to feel the fear, the stress, the urgency as we read this.

You could accomplish a lot with the beginning of the poem if you take away the questions. You’ll have a lot of flexibility in there, making them into statements while maintaining that slight sense of “This hasn’t happened yet, but the way things are going to, what’s likely to happen is: [this].”

Good luck, and I’m here if you have any questions or want any more help with this.


_Nam